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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend seems to have dropped me

13 replies

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 04:29

My best friend of 25 years started a new relationship about 2 years ago.
It was messy- she was married and so was he.
While she was going through her break up she’d call me several times a week. When she had no money cause her ex husband wasn’t paying her enough money- I fed her kids.

Now things have settled she just wants to spend all her time with her new boyfriend.

We always met during school holidays but now I hear nothing from her.
We would text each other once or twice a week- now it can go a couple of months and she will only message me if I’ve messaged her first.
I’ve messaged her asking if she’s free for coffee and just will say yes and she’ll let me know when she’s free and then just not get in touch.

She has 4 kids and and now a step daughter. She also has now had to go from working 16 hours p/w to now 35 hours a week.

AIBU- her life has changed, she’s now juggling all her kids and full time work plus being head over heels in love- and I need to giver her that space?

AINBU- she dropped with like a sack of shit now she no longer needs me and I need to move on?

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/02/2024 04:47

She might be in the love bubble or she might have been love bombed

I would ask again for a chat or meet up and this time say 'I know you've been so busy but it's been months and I miss my bestie I would love a quick coffee or I can pop over?' I remember when I was in a similar situation a friend literally spelling out how many months it has been worked on me

Crazykefir · 15/02/2024 05:25

I'm sorry op. How close were you before the break up of her relationship. Has the friendship ebbed and flowed throughout the years.

Original poster

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 05:30

We’ve been best friends since we were 14.
We’ve been each other’s bridesmaids, she’s my child’s godparent.
Shes been like a sister to me.
My husband said I put her on a pedestal however I take what he’s says with a pinch of salt as he had never been that keen on her.

I really liked her ex husband and got on well with him. Her new boyfriend is very polite when I’ve met him (3 times in 2 years) and that’s only because he’s been there when I’ve quickly popped round but has never made any effort to go for
a drink with me and my husband.
Maybe he isn’t keen on me?
My friend told me he said I was lovely but who knows?

OP posts:

Crazykefir · 15/02/2024 05:37

It's interesting what your husband says, he knows the dynamics. Do you think your friendship has been one of equals?

Original poster

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 05:48

I think mostly it’s always been equals. She’s very extroverted whereas I’m introverted so for me I prefer to have a smaller group of friends. All my friendships are friends I’ve had for at least 10 years.

My best friend for example had a group of friends from uni that suddenly was coming out with us all the time (which was fine - I really liked them) then after a while they just all disappeared.

At the moment her friends are school mums but I’m already predicting once her kids are in senior school they will all disappear as well.

I stupidly thought that our friendship was different but it’s a horrible feeling finding out that may not be the case

OP posts:

Original poster

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 05:51

She’s a complete scatter brain. Very forgetful- she’s got adhd if that makes any difference.
she’s always late for everything and sometimes forgets we have arrangements.
I just put this down to her adhd and forgive and forget
but my husband gets really pissed off about it- I just have always put this down to me being more understanding but maybe she just doesn’t care enough about our friendship to remember our plans?

OP posts:

Original poster

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 05:56

We always went on holiday abroad every year - just for 4 days
but since she started this new relationship she says she doesn’t have the money to go which I completely understand
but a coffee? She knows I’d buy her a coffee and lunch. But thinking she might use money as an excuse?
she finds money to go on holiday with her new boyfriend

OP posts:

RhetoricalQuestion · 15/02/2024 06:36

I'm a firm believer, in people will make time if they want to.

Even the busiest of people can send a text to their friend to check in. It takes seconds.

YANBU. Let her get on with it, but I understand why you're so hurt and confused.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 15/02/2024 06:46

She knows I’d buy her a coffee and lunch
So is she a bit of a user then? You've always ridden to the rescue, but she doesn't need you right now as she has a new rescuer so you can sit in the waiting room till its your turn to be useful again?
Is she a damsel in distress type?

Picklestop · 15/02/2024 06:52

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 05:56

I think you should listen to your husband, sounds like he has the measure of her.

Keepingongoing · 15/02/2024 09:21

She has 4 kids of her own, she’s in a new relationship, she’s building a new ‘blended’ family with a stepchild, and she’s gone from part-time to full-time work.

How much time, energy, emotional energy do you think she’s left with? My guess would be zero. She probably feels very stretched. It’s hard on you that she’s backed off so much, given your past relationship, but friendships are contingent on the circumstances that people find themselves in.

Maybe it will become more active again when she’s more used to her new situation. I’d say, if you want to give your friendship the chance of being more active again in the future, you need to give her space now.

Original poster

BonkersBolton · 15/02/2024 17:47

Keepingongoing · 15/02/2024 09:21

She has 4 kids of her own, she’s in a new relationship, she’s building a new ‘blended’ family with a stepchild, and she’s gone from part-time to full-time work.

Thanks for this advice.

I’ve never been in her position before. I’m happily married with a part time job. I also only have 1 child.

I definitely have completely backed off- but then months pass - i
panic that I’ll loose her and then text her.

😢

OP posts:

Keepingongoing · 16/02/2024 21:51

I think you’ve put your finger on it where you say you’ve never been in her position before. Friendship is often based on having an experience in common. Or there’s an unspoken agreement that each person will supply certain things to the other - almost like a contract, though it’s rarely made explicit. Then when one person backs off from the friendship, the other person can feel extremely hurt and let down.

She’s in love and exploring her new relationship, and building her new family at the moment. In this circumstance, friendships go onto the back burner. But you’re obviously very attached to her. I don’t think you should completely drop her, but I’d keep in contact in a very low key way, and not make any demands. That way, when she eventually finds the energy, she won’t be put off by sensing that you have ‘difficult’ feelings about her.

You sound like such a stalwart, caring friend. This is how you show your love for her now - by going your own way and wishing her well. I really hope that in time, she’ll reach out to you.

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