To give friend silent treatment

[kcchiefette]

I have been friends with her since we were 11. We are both 31 now.

We have kids around the same age and have stayed in touch. We would every couple of weeks meet for a coffee and let the kids play etc and she has been a great support in the past for me and I have helped her through a lot.

Anyhow, I havent seen her in months now. If I text her to arrange, it'll be cancelled a day prior for some reason e.g. family things, she's working, child is sick.

My child is autistic so I had to stop telling him we were seeing them as the change in plans was distressing him.

I always reach out to her to make plans so I have stopped and I am letting her come to me when she wants or is available to meet.

I havent heard a word. She's seen posts etc of my child being really poorly and hasn't even asked how he is. In the meantime, over the last couple of months, she's seen plenty of other friends as theres posts etc up with them.

AIBU to take a back seat for now and let her come to me when she wants to make plans?

I am not a high maintenance friend in the slightest but even a text or a call. I have been struggling recently and its difficult not having my best friend to vent to for so many weeks.

You've made it all about your child. What if she's struggling?

And having been on both sides of a vanishing act... It usually happens when one side has given a lot and can't do it anymore

How do you know she’s seen posts about poorly children?

Why are you posting photos of your poorly child on social media?!

It sounds like the friendship has run its course. I would just let it go.

For whatever reason, your friendship has been tailing off. You have tried and the ball is firmly in her court here. There's only so much you can do.

I doubt this is to do with your autistic child, but if it is, perhaps she's not the friend you hope she'd be.

Let her go, and if she does come back to you, you can decide if you want to let her in on your terms.

I agree that it sounds like this long friendship has gradually run it's course OP. Life is like that at times, and you suddenly find that a person who you thought would always be there, isn't. You've already made the decision to leave future contact to her, after having clearly done your part in trying to keep things going. Perhaps she's just going through a difficult spell herself for some reason, and will come back to you when things get better, maybe with an explanation or even an apology for neglecting the relationship. However, she may just have suddenly woken up one day and realised that in her opinion you no longer have the things in common that you used to have, and that she'd rather spend her down time with people who she feels she's more comfortable with for whatever reason. My advice would be don't take it to heart, just move on, and put more effort into other parts of your life that you enjoy.

Please don't post online about your child being poorly. Tell the people who need to know and keep it private from the rest of the world. Would you like your medical records plastered over the internet?

I love my friends, but I'm crap at arranging things. Your friend is still your friend, she is just busy with life. Text her and ask how she is doing. Or arrange a facetime call if you can't schedule a face-to-face meetup. Don't throw away 20 years of friendship because she isn't the first to call.

I wonder if it’s about the kids? Do they get on?

Maybe suggest an evening catch up. Just the two of you.

Yanbu to step away for a while, but I doubt she’s going to come flying back, sometimes relationships ebb and flow and some due out.
personally I keep texting maybe once every 10 days but don’t make physical plans to see her, and leave that in her court.

do your children get on?

Why does it need to go on social media?

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with posting about your child being sick and people here can be quick to criticise.

it does sound like for whatever reason your friend is cooling the friendship and you can either accept that or speak to them to try and find out why.

100% this.

Also, if you need support from a friend don’t post on socials and hope they magically realise you want them to contact you.

And tbh if I was your friend of 20 years, I might have wondered how close we were after all, if I only found out something serious happening in your life through social media… perhaps the relationship isn’t as important to you, either?

@kcchiefette I mean this with kindness (and also have an autistic dc). I have found that some people just don't feel like their dc have anything in common with your dc and it becomes a thing. It's hard for many reasons, but it's true.

See if you two can catch up without dc. If she is still cancelling or making excuses, then I'd just bow out gracefully.

Sorry you are going through this.