To feel like I've lost my whole youth?

[ihaventseenit]

NC'd as this could be outing.

I love my children more than anything (and DP too) so I am not moaning about them personally whatsoever.

I became a mum at 19 (contraceptive failure) and made a decision that I'll forever regret; I moved in with my abusive (wasn't then) ex husband to a tiny town very far away from where I'm from, very rural, without being able to drive or have access to anything other than minimal public transport. It was like being in Summerisle (Wicker Man). I was surrounded by his horrible family and couldn't leave once I got there; it was borderline like being stuck in one of those cults that you see on YouTube. EXH then quit his job and I had to work to keep the family fed. I had my second DC two years later and I had 8 weeks unpaid mat leave as I hadn't accrued enough for paid mat leave. My EXH was abusive, got into debt, refused to work, wouldn't do housework; it was a living nightmare. I had to work 6-7 days a week between two jobs, sometimes totalling 16 hour working days. I had no quality time with my children. My saving grace came when my EXH decided to leave me for someone he'd met online; days later he was begging to come back but I had had enough. I managed to move away from that horrible place a year ago and have never been back (been divorced for 3 years). I have a loving DP who I love very much and thank God every day for, my children are thriving now and I only work part-time (out of choice). I haven't gone into much detail about what my life was like before as I could be here forever but, whilst I'm happier than I've ever been, I can't help but feel sad that most of my youth has gone and it was just horribly stressful and awful. I had no stress-free/fun times at all. Whilst I have my lovely DP now, we have a very normal and routine life with no spontaneity or much 'fun'; we've never had a trip or city break weekend or anything as he's been pretty much everywhere and isn't bothered by it anymore. We do have an evening out a few times a year but that's about it. I wouldn't trade him for anything, but AIBU to just be sad sometimes that my young adult years were just horrible? Thank you for just letting me vent this out, even if IABU. It's been quite cathartic

Time to start planning
And it's never too late
A meal out on a Friday.
Mini weekend break to a city you both fancy.
5 days in a cottage
Depending on money / children's ages, Sky's the limit.
You need to be proactive.

So sorry to hear about everything you've been through. If your DH doesn't get it, could you plan some trips yourself, either with him or a friend? Or go on your own? You deserve to be happy and do everything you feel you missed out on!

If DP won’t do fun things with you can’t you go with friends or on your own?

@ihaventseenit

Make a list of goals you can do on your own and with your husband as a couple and as a family all together,

I am wondering if you could have a cheap break 🤔 away sometimes like i do such as weekend in a guest house or hotel

I book on booking .com website
whether on your own like i do or as a couple,
Or
Yoh Could do mix of both

Have you got any hobbies or interests you've put on the back burner?
You could pick up now your children are getting older,

Is there any hobbies or interests you are curiously interested in about then?
explore this idea

wjat about treating yourselfs as a couple for a meal out sometimes then?

What about treating yourself to a pamper session at healthspa with friends or on your own on a regular basis?

what about visting the cinema, and theatre or vist live music bands at different venues gigs?

be curious to explore things to do things out of your comfort zone,

Visting new places, i like idea of visting olde worlde places as i prefer historical places find them more interesting
and olde worlde country pubs occasionally

I agree with ubove poster 👌 totally nailed it on the head,
Make it new news resolutions you intend to stick to not give up ...

I agree with ubove 📫 poster

If your partner is not up for having a good Time like that,

Why not go on your own or and with friends more often
what about any other family members 🤔 you are close to aswell,?

Your story is sad, but it's made you who you are today. Don't regret it. You'll have learnt a lot about yourself and about other people during that time.

Do you have friends and/or hobbies outside the home? Maybe you could do eg a girls’ trip instead?
Or just tell DP that maybe he’s been there before but you haven’t and you’d like to experience it together!

If your partner is so great then surely he understands that you've missed out on certain things and would be prepared to do them with you - even if he has done them before? He can't possibly have eaten at every restaurant in your nearest city or been absolutely everywhere in Europe - sounds like he's being very selfish to me.

@itsmyp4rty

I agree with you about her partner too,
he is being a bit selfish having that kind of attitude,
it can a different experience visting with his partner to different places,
Why couldn't he explorer other places with you aswell too?

This.

Start living. Start finding out what you love. You won’t regret it.

YANBU. You've had an awful time, and sometimes we don't see how bad a situation is until we are out of it. You are absolutely allowed to take some time to process this, and almost grieve for the lost time. When times are tough, we can be in a constant state of "fight or flight", and the consequences of this can take a bit of time to emerge once things calm down again. Give yourself a break, give yourself time - it might even be worth looking into some counselling to work through that time, to allow you to come to terms with it.