I'm not allowing my mother to take part in my pregnancy.

[Chaptertwobegins]

I don't know if this is more of a WWYD

I'm pregnant with twins, my first pregnancy. my mum wanted to be a part of things, but I've decided to limit contact with her. because she seems to dislike the attention I'm getting, while also wanting me to make her feel special.

For example. She ignored my pregnancy scans that she's been asking for, because I sent it to our family Whatsapp group and not to her personally. She didn't comment for almost two days
When she did finally comment she ignored me and instead focused on my nieces saying she's excited for them as they'll have twins cousins, then tried to change the conversation to focus on them and away from my baby scans. she said nothing to me, just ignored me. And didn't say anything about the twins scan pictures. Or them being boy and girl twins. This triggered me as it reminded me of my childhood as she tended to behave like that when my siblings or other family members showed me positive attention. She would discourage it or try to take the attention away. Or get agitated.

She then sent me private messages saying she's happy for me but she feels upset about not being able to be part of her daughters pregnancy, she feels like she's being left out. So I should keep her posted with everything that's happening. She also wanted to know who I've told and when. I feel this is out of jealousy. She wants to make sure I haven't told others before her. She seemed annoyed when she heard my husband family were ecstatic and were celebrating all morning with us when we told them the news. She then asked if I had a spare room (we've just moved) for after I give birth so she can come and stay, because she says I'll be out of it, and it will be too much for my husband to care for babies by himself, So she wants to help. But I've decided I don't want her around.

I've stopped taking her phone calls, I only text with her, which she's angry about. and I've limited the baby news I share with her. I've also told her she can't stay with us after I give birth. This is because I really want to enjoy my pregnancy, and my newborns when they come, and I feel she'll ruin the experience out of spite. as in the past she has been nasty to me when I'm experiencing special occasions. like when I planned my wedding, she was awful, she showed no happiness for me and made me feel uncomfortable about showing excitement about it myself.
And I'm scared she'll try do the same with my babies.

I thought she had changed but her behaviour lately has given me doubts.
What do you think? do you think I'm going to far? Am I being over the top? I'm worried im letting past experiences affect me too much and I'm not being fair. What would you do?

As a WWYD, I'd definitely be sharing the news with my Mum before opening it up to extended family on a what's app group. And her replying about your nieces I don't think she's done anything wrong there. It sounds like you've shut her out and she is upset. But the staying over, yeah fuck that. That's only if YOU want, not what SHE wants.

This must really difficult. And definitely something you don't need to be dealing with now! It sounds as though your relationship with your mother has been tricky for a long time and I would guess that this isn't going to suddenly improve anytime soon - especially with such big life changes, hormones, changing priorities ahead.

Boundaries are what you need and it sounds as though you have started this - whatever you are comfortable with is the right thing.
Perhaps you might like to consider some counselling sessions - just so you can get your thoughts and feelings in order. This might help you with those boundaries in the future.
Good luck and enjoy your pregnancy!

You sound very controlling

I can see why she’s upset

Jesus. How does OP sound controlling?

It's clear that this has been going on since OP was a child. And that she recognises nice, normal family celebration of good news - which she got from DH's side.

My mum is pure gold, and we get on brilliantly and that is because she's amazing and one of the ways that's demonstrated is that she puts her kids first. Too much in my view, but that's what mums do. OP's mum is making a fuss about herself when her child is pregnant with twins. Um.

I'd text 'As with everything special in my life, Mum, you want to make it all about you. I'm not having you spoil this for me. If you genuinely want to be involved then you'll take a big step back and accept that you aren't the star of this show. Being respectful about mine and DHs wishes would help a lot. As would asking what you can do to help, rather than dictating how you expect us to behave'.

But then, I have a DM like this and only bluntness has ever got through. She'll probably play the victim to other people, but at least you've drawn your line.

I don’t have DC myself but, from my understanding, you might well be grateful for an extra pair of hands, especially with twins! If you want to keep her somewhat at arm’s length could you get her doing some of the less hands-on things - cooking, shopping, laundry etc?

OP - I think you're right to set the boundaries now.

I didn't tell my mum I was pregnant until I was 37 weeks. I didn't want her involved.

Trust your yourself- you know what she’s like from previous experience. People like this do not change - they just cannot bear not being the centre of attention, positive or negative- it doesn’t matter so long as the spotlight is on them.
Keep your boundaries.

Lots of people are going to base their answers on their relationship with their own mothers, good or bad. Only you know whether your DM is the type of person that will be helpful and supportive to you.

I can see it must be hard for your DM to get big news after extended family on your DH's side. However, she didn't have a right to strop about the scan being posted on the family chat. She'll eventually learn that stropping won't get her anywhere if you stand strong on that front.

I'd think about whether your DM will make a good GM to your DC, and base my decision around the level of contact around that. The more people that truly love your DC the better, but not at the cost of your sanity.

She really doesn't

The family Whatsapp group is just me, my parents, my siblings and my three nieces. My mum knew I was pregnant first and that it was twins. my siblings didn't know anything. As I'd had miscarriages before I wanted to make sure they were ok first. I thought sharing scans and genders in the group was best so everyone was informed and up to date. And we could celebrate together, also, that's what my sibling did when he had his children.

Sorry I don't think I explained well. My husband told his family after I had told mine. My mum was just upset about how the made a big deal about having the first set of twins in their family and them celebrating with us.

How did she react when you first told her you were pregnant?

She said she was upset I hadn't told her sooner, but she seemed excited. I told her at 11 weeks when I heard a heart beat. I was nervous of having a miscarriage. I waited till much later to tell everyone else as I was told it was a risky pregnancy due to it being a twin pregnancy.

I like this if you really want to make sure she knows her place.

Shes a crank. She doesn't have the right to tell you that.

mightydolphin · Today 19:06

"I'd think about whether your DM will make a good GM to your DC, and base my decision around the level of contact around that. The more people that truly love your DC the better, but not at the cost of your sanity."

I'm going to see how she is around them. Im concerned because of how she treated us, her children, when we were young.
My brother hasn't let her be alone with his 3 children. Although she didn't seem that Interested in them to be honest. She seems more Interested in mine because I'm her daughter she feels she can be closer to mine I think.

Or you have boundaries that she can walk all over compared with your brother?
she really does have main character syndrome doesn’t she?

That maybe true. My brother was more outspoken then me I think. I never really tried to put boundaries in place or confront her directly about her behaviour before, although I have kept some distance from her over the years. but when you grow up with a parent behaving a certain way towards you, you kinda learn to accept it or allow it. But now I'm gonna be a mum, I feel protective of them and of myself, because I know I need to be in a right mindset to give them the care they'll need.

Thank you all for you input. I'm going to apply some of the suggestions in here.
Maybe this one below.

Hatty65 · Today 18:55

"I'd text 'As with everything special in my life, Mum, you want to make it all about you. I'm not having you spoil this for me. If you genuinely want to be involved then you'll take a big step back and accept that you aren't the star of this show. Being respectful about mine and DHs wishes would help a lot. As would asking what you can do to help, rather than dictating how you expect us to behave'."

I'll see how it goes from there. Thanks everyone.

Good for you OP. Hold those boundaries - not enough people do.

Protect your peace and babies from what sounds like narcissism.

I think the group chat thing- I can see why that would be a bit upsetting- I would tell my mum first before the extended family, and would send her the pics first. But it sounds as if you have a pretty rubbish relationship with her, so I can understand that you want to do it differently. But I think you need to acknowledge that if she feels pushed out- that is what you're doing for your own sake, and that she will notice that and react.

The situation does sound toxic, Op, and on that basis alone I would limit contact.

sad for your babies as they won’t really have a relationship with their gran, but only you know her and whether or not it’ll be a benefit to them to see her or not.

My dil and my sil had twins and the 1 thing they found they needed was an extra pair of hands all the time. So apart from anything else Id try and include your mum and involve her as you will need someone and usually parents are the perfect support. Assumtions about why someone is behaving a certain way help no one, communication is key without accusations. Talk to her. If you dont get anywhere look for alternative support because 100% youre gonna need it

Wow thats a harsh response. Imagine if she hasnt a clue shes behaving how you perceive. Talk to her and say how you feel she is 1st before that sort of hit.