Husband being short with 7 year old

[Anon4345]

My daughter prefers me to my husband with pretty much everything. We have asked but she never gives an explanation even though admits my husband does some things better than I do but still prefers me. My husband takes this hard and it upsets him. She will say things like 'oh its you' when he wakes her up in the morning and immediately asks where I am. Or if we're going out she will ask if I take her or if we're playing in her room and he comes to join she will say there isn't any space to join in. I would understand if I'm the primary caregiver but I'm not, my husband stays home with her. My husband plays with her, they are silly, laugh together and have a lovely time he spends time with her but it seems to make no difference. We have spoken to her about her behaviour many times as this is not acceptable and she should know better. I fully back my husband with this and try to work with him however it has come to a head. He went to put her to bed and she wanted me. I was busy so he said it will be him. She cried and said she didn't want him and wanted me and this went on. He put her to bed but afterwards was absolutely furious and has hardly spoken a word to her. She's tries to speak to him and he's short with her, says he couldn't care less if she asks him something. Am I being unreasonable to be absolutely furious at this? She is a 7 year old child. Her behaviour is not acceptable but I feel now neither is his! How are we meant to lead by example when he is acting like this? How do I navigate this?

Do you mean that since that incident with his putting her to bed, he isn’t speaking to her? How long has it gone on for?

He's being as childish as she is now, and she's only 7! I know it must hurt that she seems to prefer you to him, but he's an adult for goodness sake. Has he actually sat down and told her that it makes him sad that she always wants you, and makes him feel like she doesn't like/love him? Maybe he should point out to her how it would feel if her friends did that to her. Is she the sort of child that would take this on board, throw her arms around him and say 'sorry Daddy', or would she be more likely to run off to Mummy and say that Daddy's upsetting her? I think also that you need to point out to him that he needs to treat it like you do when your child turns round for the first time and tells you they hate you, you know they don't mean it, so it should be water off a duck's back, not a big issue, but sulking about it and not speaking to her, is a ridiculous way for a grown man to handle the situation.

Omg she sounds infuriating.

Perhaps, if he is the primary caregiver then you are the novelty? I don’t mean that negatively against you, I just mean you might be more exciting if he is around all the time and you are not?
also, if her friends primary caregivers are their mothers then maybe she feels something is “wrong” with your situation.
I'm sure it will just be a phase but in the meantime I think carrying on with insisting dad is doing some things and mum does other things and that’s just the way it is, is the best way forward.
I can understand Dad feels rejected and hurt, but he needs to be the grown up here, giving her the silent treatment or being short with her is abusive and is only going to isolate her from him even more

Has she noticed he's being short with her? If she asks why, I'd tell her the truth. She's been being unkind and unpleasant for a long time and now his feelings are hurt and he doesn't feel like talking to her/playing with her. It's a good lesson. If you're consistently rude and unpleasant people won't want to talk to you/spend time with you.

If she hasn't noticed then presumably she doesn't care/it's not doing any harm.

If it's been going on a while and she's upset by it then one of you (ideally him) needs to sit down and explain to her that's he's upset and why.

She’s 7!! Kids are not particularly reasonable or rational at that age.

most kids have phases of preferring one parent over the other but it usually changes at some point.

I suspect that if he’s the primary carer she just craves time with you.

I think your husband is being 100% unreasonable carrying this over with a 7-year-old. I don't agree with grudges anyway, but she's only 7! However, I have an 8 yo son and he has a preference for me. I have spoken to him and explained that his dad loves him and that he wants the opportunity to put him to bed etc... And that it's hurtful to outright reject his dad for me and that he needs to be careful with other people's feelings. Yesterday his dad was putting him to bed and he started to complain that he wanted me, but I reminded him that it was his dad’s turn and to be more discreet in his preference. He got it and his dad put him to bed no problem.

Preferences with kids is a normal and common part of their development and when my son was too small to understand, fine, we just accepted it. But when he got older, I've tried to make him more sensitive to how others feel. Having a preference for me is valid and not wrong, but he needs to be mindful of how he expresses that in front of his dad. I think your dd needs is old enough to be more sensitive to how she expresses her preference too.

Your husband is the actual problem,not the 7 year old. Your DH is overbearing demanding bully. Stop facilitating his behaviour and stop expecting a child to perform and give praise to him because he has hurt feelings or a disproportionately misplaced feeling of being excluded. Both your behaviour as parents is probably stressing the child, she was subjected to an adult parent excluding her, to his omnipresent bad mood . Outrageous. Start sticking up for your child. Only person who should be getting spoken to is this man child. The talk being be a responsible adult stop enacting bad mood and punishment on a child

you’ve also multiply posted this across many threads

Did you mistype, he sounds infuriating. You surely cannot mean a 7yo child is infuriating? The husband/dad he’s at fault,massively

She spends less time with you so when she has you at home she wants to be with you. She's seven - it's totally normal.

Your husband is being an absolute arse - he's punishing your seven year old daughter by being cold and withholding affection when she doesn't act as he wants her to. Massive red flag, I don't care how much of a "good dad" he is.

He sounds exactly like my dad and believe me I've screwed myself up many times trying to keep awful men happy and not upset them due to growing up with a fear of rejection as a result of exactly this sort of behaviour. Tell him to stop this abusive behaviour immediately before he does some lasting damage.

Because he's a man child who can't deal with the irrational behaviour that's totally normal in seven year olds? It's him who needs a good talking to, not the child.

This. She's 7, not 3. She's old enough to understand that her behaviour is very unkind. If she's doing it to her dad does she act that way with other children?!? I hope not.

Dad does need to sort himself out and be the adult but I can understand why after a long time of this he's got upset. Adults have feelings too and it's good to let children see that on occasion.