Hitting and spitting

[warmmfeet]

Reposted here from 'behaviour'

Hi mum of 5 year old DS.
Hmm
A lot of my children's 'friends' seem to be quite aggressive, getting tired of it frankly.
It seems like there is always an issue on play dates. Yesterday a friend punched him and spat in his face because they were having a running race which got quite competitive.

Another friend always starts playing nicely and they have lots of fun but before long ends up with punching and pinning him down, playfighting that goes too far and upsets him. I know kids have to learn to stick up for themselves but also why do so many kids act like this? They're not toddlers.
DS is not the strongest boy, he's very slender and not really into rough and tumble play so he always gets defeated, then feels sad/ confused.

We've always taught him not to hurt others.

I know some kids take longer to grasp these concepts and develop impulse control, around what age do they chill out and start playing with less violence?

Has anyone got any tips? Should we just avoid all these kids (it's most of his 'friends' though).

The mums seem to just think it's how kids act at this age and not a big deal, one is always putting it on my son to tell her son to "stop, I don't like it", almost making it his fault for not getting him to stop sooner. The more I type the more I'm starting to rage about it! AIBU?

My DS is five and this isn’t reflective of his friends.

It’s just how they act at this age, nope, it’s just the mums letting them so they don’t have to deal with it.

It doesn't seem to get any better as they get older. Ive been feeling a bit deflated recently and wondering if I've got it all wrong l. I'm trying to raise a polite, thoughtful boy. Meanwhile every other parent seems to have adopted a "boys will be boys" policy and whilst not actually encouraging rough play do nothing to discourage it.

Right - thank you for the perspective. As well as polite and thoughtful, I'm also trying to raise him to notice people and situations that make him feel bad and stay away from them, which is pretty difficult when other kids who are supposedly friends act like this.

I was thinking they aren't really disciplined by their parents.

You're in the wrong group of friends, or your DS is.

I've known the loveliest boys start playing with boys that have never heard the word No and behaved atrociously and it's made them act the same. Very often they've been together because the Mums are friends. I know really lovely Mums who are the most dickish parents and let their kids get away with murder. Then because you're friends with them you end up having to put up with it.
But there's nothing to stop you correcting the other child's behaviour, "we don't do that here, thank you. If you hurt Freddie then I'll be calling your Mum to collect you, let's go and play in the garden..."

They’re picking on him because they can. I’d get him some self defense classes, that way he can keep the little shits at bay without having to behave like them.

You have to be there and you have to parent their kids for them I'm afraid.

I would keep my child well away from anyone who couldn't correct their child's behaviour.
At the very least, it should be made clear (by yourself) that this kind of behaviour in not acceptable, and your child doesn't have to accept this kind of behaviour.
You need to keep your standards high, for your child, and yourself.
Don't encourage these friendship.

Hitting is bad enough, but spitting? That's actually revolting, and I'm assuming learnt behaviour. It's inexcusable on my book and I would have removed my child from the situational not socialised with that parent and child again.

You don't have to inflict these dreadful parents and their hideous offspring on your child. You need to find better mum friends.

Does your DS actually want to play with these children? If not them just stop the opportunity for this to happen. Make sure school knows that this has been happening.

If he does want to play with them but doesn’t like the behaviour I’d recommend very close supervision and short duration play dates. I’d be very proactive about intervening with any of this behaviour and finishing the play dates early if necessary. Yes, explain to the mums/ dads that it has ended early because Billy was spitting.

Praise the good stuff and make play dates interesting and varied so there is less chance for things to get out of hand. Most children know which adults they can play up around and which ones are worth behaving around.

Shorter meet ups and more supervision.. Don't be afraid to defend your dc if the other dc has no parent nearby...

@MatildaTheCat thank you, very useful advice.
He's since said he definitely doesn't want to play with one of the kids anymore, so we won't do play dates. This kid is at the same school but not the same class.

The other 'spitting' child is a friend from antenatal classes, I feel like it would be a shame to lose touch as they've known each other from birth but as they've got older it's apparent they don't play well together and now this behaviour is kind of sealing the deal.

@MarnieMarnie thanks, you are right

We need to find ways to make more friends. We moved to this town 18 months ago so don't know many people. There are 25 kids in his class but only 6 are boys and mostly they all seem to play quite rough so far. He does play with a few girls but he likes playing with boys, he just enjoys proper games with a purpose, Lego, role plays, floor is lava, cops and robbers, that sort of thing., not just fighting.

@CookStrait thanks I've been wondering about that but don't really know where to start. Will have to ask around.

This is madness. Step up and parent your son. No spitting, no hitting! Ever. No exceptions.

@User19798 yeah. Ok. You're right it's just something I didn't really know how to handle in the moment. I did comfort my son and end the play date.

The mother concerned has basically said his brain is not developed enough to control behaviour yet at this age. I have a very basic understanding of neuroscience so I know what she means but I'd still be disciplining my child if he behaved like that. She seems to put it all down to brain development.

His brain is not developed enough, but mum doesn’t do anything to encourage different behaviour, as it’s tooo stressful so he just gets on with it while she lets him Would have had a discussion from my parent should I have been inclined to do anything like that but sadly those days are gone & responsibility is negligible