To think it is wrong for ex-husband to have girlfriends / women he's shagging at home in front of our children?

[ElectraBunny]

My divorce is underway. Last year I was very ill and had to go and live with my parents. I became ill, in part because of abuse I have suffered from him which caused the breakdown of our relationship.

Our children are 6 and 4. They currently live with him. I am going to have residence of them but in the meantime I have discovered that he has women staying at their home at night. These are not serious relationships and I came to see my girls this morning to find some woman playing with my younger dd. I don't know anything about her / her background and my ex husband is not behaving very reasonably about anything at the moment.

Today dd2 said "Last night I had a nightmare and there was a lady in daddy's bed" I am worried for the children that this will be damaging for them.

I have no problem with him seeing people but I think he should keep it away from our children. I do not introduce men that I'm seeing to them unless it was serious. I have told him that I think it's damaging and that I will happily look after them at night so he can go out / go to these people's houses.

However, he is unwavering in his resolve to do exactly as he pleases whether it is in the children's best interest or not and I don't understand this...

The children are going to come and live with me at my parents as soon as we can arrange it. I just wondered what everyone's opinion about this is?

No, it's not good for your children to see their father have a string of short-term no future lovers.

I'm not sure what you can do about it, though.

I was thinking that too. But I was wondering whether other people would feel the same as me that it's inappropriate.

I don't think it's inappropriate for children to be aware of adults sex and emotional lives. By this I don't mean it should be shoved in their faces but equally I think hiding it from them and pretending it doesn't happen makes it into a taboo and could cause problems for them later in life if they think it is something which should be hidden.

On the other hand I also am not sure it's fair for children to have to see a series of different partners come and go. Do you know hpw many women are coming and going though? If it's only been a couple in a few months then I wouldn't think it's that damaging. If it's been many over the space of a few weeks then I think you're right to talk to him.

As far as your daughter complaining about the woman in the bed goes, it sounds like she was upset by the nightmare and felt unable to get comfort with her father as she felt unsure about there being someone else in his bed. Probably that person was just asleep but still represented a barrier between your daughter and her father.

Seriously though, I don't think it's inappropriate for your ex to want to have female company and if you were thinking of using it in any bargaining to do with custody I would advise you against it as it could backfire and make you seem unreasonable.

Clearly not good for the children. But this is a really tricky situation, because he is the dsc father, and has a right to see them. He has very different standards of what's acceptable, but so long as he's not neglecting the kids or treating them badly, then I don't really know what you can do. Sorry, that's not very helpful, but I cant see a solution, other than keep talking to your dcs, and let them know that there are other choices/ways of doing things, so that at least they arent going to grow up thinking its the norm to have a different person in your bed each night.

but seriously - is it a different person every night? What evidence does the OP have for this? It sounds at first (From the title) that her ex is actually making out with a series of women right in front of his children, but there's nothing in the main post to suggest that is true.

There's one incident of a woman she didn't know playing with her children which I know must be upsetting and it's certainly not fair of her husband to allow strangers to bond with the children without at least introducing them to their mother, but it's not abusive and not neccessarily going to damage the children.

I disagree beaniesteve - I think it could be damaging for them. Where on earth do you get the idea that I am going to "use" this in a custody battle??

I have already set out that I don't care who he sees. But I do care about the impact on the children which is why I have asked about it to see if others have experienced this.