Quandary around DDs disagreements - eldest too kind!

[herewegoroundthebastardbush]

I have two girls, age 7 and 3.

7 year old has her silly moments but by and large is quite gentle, thoughtful and sensitive.

3 year old is a force of nature I am just barely controlling tbh. She is lovely but terribly strong-willed, and given to kicking off if she doesn't get her own way.

The girls by and large love each other very much and play really well together. They both understand in principle what compromise is and how it can be useful.

But 3yo is 3 and every now and then we will hit a situation where she is just going to strop.

Yesterday's example: I take 3yo with me to pick up 7yo from ASC. It's raining so give 3yo her brolly and bring 7yo's with me to give her. The second 7yo opens her brolly 3yo goes mental because she wants THAT one, not her one. 7yo doesn't want to swap because 3yo's is much smaller. Both crying at this point. I back up 7yo and remove her brolly from the 3yo who has snatched it, with great difficulty and very embarrassing in front of all the other parents with their suddenly impeccably behaved sprogs :P 3 yo screams her head off and within seconds 7 yo has handed her brolly back to 3yo and is wailing herself.

This happens with all sorts of things. Kids disputing, 7yo has the right of it, I back her but then 3yo throws off and 7 yo undermines me by giving 3yo whatever she wants whilst being very upset about it.

She says it's because the noise of her sister crying is worse than not having the thing she wants. Which is sweet and all very well, but it still means I have at least one crying child! And I'm worried (a) that 3yo will absorb the idea she only has to kick off long enough and loud enough to get her own way, and (b) 7 yo needs to stick up for herself more or she's going to get walked all over in life!

Any suggestions? I mean obviously I could (try to) separate them so 7yo doesn't have to put up with the tantrumming 3yo, but not always practical.

To be fair I also don't want to be telling my eldest off for being kind!

Seems like the younger sister has learned that she just needs to scream longer and louder and she gets what she wants. It would be a good idea to nip this in the bud . I would talk to the older daughter and say that once you have said no then that applies to her too. Let's face it she's not actually being kind she's giving in. If she's not careful a lifelong pattern may form.

I don’t have a solution here as this was a dynamic I struggled with when my DDs were little, and as I thought my DC1 at 15 does struggle to assert herself and is a massive people pleaser and it has not stood her in good stead. You’re right to try to do something but I don’t know what!

This is a good point about when I say no it should apply to her too. Maybe I should stop thinking about it/talking about it as 'taking DD7's side" and instead just frame it as "that's my decision" more independently and take whatever flack arises from that on the chin(as I say, holding this line usually ends with both of them crying 😫) - because it isn't about what's easier/more pleasant for me or DD7 really, it's about DD3 learning how to behave.

My problem is I'm a people-pleaser, so it's very hard for me to take a side in their disputes that leaves one of them unhappy anyway - so when I gird my loins to do it anyway because justice and then get undermined and STILL end up with someone unhappy it pokes me in the issues and makes me feel very upset and frustrated as I have this need to 'fix' things. NONE of which is either of my DDs' problem because I'm supposed to be the grown up here. Big girl pants time!

From your later post, I absolutely think you need to work on your own people-pleasing because modeling 'Other people's wishes are more important than mine' and 'Whatever I do needs not to upset other people' is about the worst thing you could model for a child, and it sounds as if your 7 year old is already setting off down that path.

Re. the umbrella situation, you're not 'backing your 7 year old up', you're teaching your 3 year old that throwing a tantrum isn't rewarded. I agree you should tell your 7 year old you're teaching her sister how to behave and be reasonable.

This is 100% it. I did talk to her later that day about how I admired her kindness, but that I needed her to help me teach her sister. She's an amazing big sister so hopefully that will get through. I will also try and find ways I can minimise the fallout of her sisters' displeasure on her, as she is very sensitive (both to other people's feelings and just noises in general) - maybe if we're home I could remove DD3, and if out I could offer DD1 my headphones and some music for a bit while the tanty runs its course?

I will also try to praise DD7 more when she holds her ground with DD3. As I'm so conflict averse I heavily promote 'compromise' to them both, and they do both do it quite well, but DD7 being older she often give way further and more often than DD3. Often when she does draw a line she's already frustrated from several failed attempts to compromise with DD3, so tends to shout, and I tend to react to the shouting in the moment rather than think about what's led up to it and praise the instinct to stand up for herself (however badly expressed). More thoughtfulness and less being reactive myself probably what's required.

I think the thing to really watch for is if you are starting to ask/assume dd1 will back down because that makes life easier for you.
My parents did that with me, assumed I wouldn't mind backing down every time because that was easier. If ever I refused, it totally threw them. They never went back and asked ds to back down.

What you could do in that situation is praise dd1 to the skies in front of dd2. So dd2 gets the brolly, but then dd1 gets first choice of cake/chooses to go to the park/sit in the favoured seat at the table. But praise her in front of dd2. Hopefully dd2 will then pick up on that her sister is being rewarded, and help her think about when she's getting her own way.

Mine had a bit of this dynamic, with a sub 2 year age gap and dc2 was a boy. It is really odd because you don't really expect to have to overrule dc1 when it is to their benefit.
I'm sending solidarity and also letting you know that in my experience it ended up OK. At 10 and 12 both of mine are very kind, especially to younger children and they share really well. But it does feel weird that you are pushing your eldest to NOT put someone else first, they don't prepare you for that!

This is something I’ve had with my 3dc - eldest and then middle give in to the younger ones to shut them up 😂
tbh I wouldn’t get too worried about it - it will resolve itself in time. Or it did with my dc. I would tell elder dc every time - that was very kind but you didn’t need to do that. I will support you whenever you decide you want to keep xyz.