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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid plus 1

17 replies

Megann76 · 13/02/2024 23:36

I’m a bridesmaid to one of my good friend of 20+ years in the summer. I am the eternally single friend who has supported all of our group highs and lows and attended every wedding happily on my own 10th wheeling. 6 months ago I starting dating an ex (who broke my heart previously) and everything is going swimmingly. I asked the bride if my partner could attend the evening part of the wedding (as the only single person and in light of me paying for an expensive hotel stay) to be told she wasn’t keen but would think about it

The reason for this being how badly he treated me in the past and not numbers/money.

am I being unreasonable to feel devastated about him not being wanted and feeling this will impact our friendship

OP posts:

Kemblefordsnice · 13/02/2024 23:41

The bride may not want to finance a place for someone who treated her friend so badly.

I wouldn't. Though other posters might be more forgiving.

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2024 23:42

I'm not sure, on one hand it's up to you who you see and if you're allowed to have a plus one then that should be up to you about who you bring but on the other hand, it is her wedding day and I know if I had to look at a man all day who had hurt and broken my best friends heart, I'd be in an awful mood..

Medstudent12 · 13/02/2024 23:44

It’s her wedding. She shouldn’t have to invite someone she strongly dislikes. Sorry. You’re a fool if you let it ruin an otherwise good friendship.

InsidiousRasperry · 13/02/2024 23:44

Agree with PPs, it’s her day and I wouldn’t want him there either.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/02/2024 23:45

TBH it's her wedding. It seems clear she does not want him there. If he caused drama in the past it's simply too much risk on her big day. I invited my Mum to my wedding, my auntie had to come to the meal after only as I feared she might have disgraced herself in front of the monks. lol.
Can't you bring another friend as your plus one? It's certainly not worth falling out over. She heard you saying he was a wrong 'un in the past and is being wary because she cares about you and her wedding. Which is perfectly reasonable.

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2024 23:46

Agree with poster above. Why potentially ruin or upset your friendship.
I would message her and say i'd changed my mind, you understand and dont want her to feel uncomfortable on her wedding day.
You can see him any other day.

Notimeforaname · 13/02/2024 23:50

am I being unreasonable to feel devastated about him not being wanted and feeling this will impact our friendship
Devastated? That he cant come on one night out ?
Is it not more devastating to potentially damage a 20+ year friendship over a guy who fucked you over ?

Keep them separate.

Crumpleton · 13/02/2024 23:57

He broke your heart and she probably remembers that very well.

That said there is such a thing as wrong time in one's life and people do get together again.

Not sure I'd let it ruin my friendship though.

Would be good if your DB could understand by biding his time in the hope that your friend sees how happy you both are being together again, in time she may include him in future get togethers.

Original poster

Megann76 · 13/02/2024 23:58

Just to clarify I’m the only person of our group not getting a plus one. Also she has not met my partner so only knows what I have said to her in the past. There was no real drama as such we were unofficially seeing each other and he slept with someone else

OP posts:

Notimeforaname · 14/02/2024 00:00

OP she has told you she is uncomfortable with it. Do you really want to push that? Is it worth it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/02/2024 00:06

So based on solely on what you’ve told her she doesn’t like the sound of him. How did you think she’d react? If you were heartbroken even though you weren’t official she can no doubt see trouble and drama ahead and doesn’t want it anywhere near her wedding. Sensible woman.

Bridesmaids don’t usually get plus ones.

Why would she want someone she’s never met at her wedding.

Stop being so dramatic and drop it.

ImustLearn2Cook · 14/02/2024 00:10

You told her about him cheating on you so even though she has never met him she would still have negative feelings towards him. She shouldn’t have to be confronted by those negative feelings on her wedding day and evening reception. It should be a fun and wonderful celebration of her marriage. She and her fiancé should be able to relax, enjoy and create happy memories of their wedding.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 14/02/2024 00:13

It's one evening, just one evening out of your life, I repeat one evening.

You have only been back together 6 months, very good chance you won't be together in 6 months time.

apparently last time you were ' unofficially seeing each other ' and he slept with someone else.

he ' broke your heart '

can you possibly think of one reason, just one reason, why the bride would want to include him on her special day ?

and you feel devastated that he is not wanted for one evening !!!

give your head a wobble, put on your big girl pants and act as the good friend you are supposed to be - support the bride and respect her wishes / decisions regarding her big day.

she has been truthful and admitted / agreed that she is not keen, but she will think about it.

has she ever met him ? has she met him in the last 6 months? has she and her fiance met him ?

20+ years v 6 months - no brainer in my mind

Notsuretoputit · 14/02/2024 00:19

YANBU. As another perennial single friend who forks out a fortune for everyone else’s engagements, weddings, christenings etc. many of which involve long term partners and husbands who’ve been complete shits, I would not be happy.

retinolalcohol · 14/02/2024 00:20

My sister was lukewarm about having my ex at her wedding. I'd been with him 3 years at the time! Her reason was that she didn't know him too well - I was young, at uni, so he'd not spent loads of time around the family.

Obviously I'd have liked him there at the time but ultimately it was my sister's day, and in the end she was right - we split not too long after. Imagine if he'd been there in all the photos

This isn't really a big devastating thing like you're making it out to be in your head. You're gutted because you've been single years and wanted this to finally be the event you'd have someone to take - that's fine. But it really doesn't sound like some affront by your friend.

For you it's one night. It's the bride's wedding day. Let it go!

SheSaidHummingbird · 14/02/2024 01:27

Up to you who you date. Up to the bride and groom who receives an invitation to their wedding.

RockyRogue1001 · 14/02/2024 01:28

Like everyone else, I'm picking up on...

The reason for this being how badly he treated me in the past and not numbers/money.

youwant to make that ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ your hill to die on? Really????

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