I don’t know what to try next to help my 8 year old DD make friends

[Hocuspocusnonsense]

Just had another heartbreaking conversation

My 8 year old DD goes to a single form entry school so just 28 children in her class, even split boys/girls. She was part of a solid friendship group for about 9 months until the ‘boss’ of the group it seems pushed her out. The other 3 girls in the group it seems have accepted one girl is in charge. We went through the heartbreak of ‘losing’ her friends, the confusion as she tried to work out what she did ‘wrong’. I then found out she was begging them to be allowed to be friends with them again. We’re six months on, she wanders the playground on her own at lunchtime and can’t seem to get ‘in’ to another friendship group.

I’ve spoken to her teacher and the head teacher numerous times and I’ve found them to be so ineffective and keep telling me “This is typical girl behaviour”..

She is such a lovely girl, really kind, funny, full of life but this is changing her. She’s begging to be home schooled, tells me no one likes her, no one cares, she’s invisible and she doesn’t have any friends.

Ive signed her up to two activities outside of school, I’ve organised play dates to try and help her build friendships. I can see it’s destroying her self esteem and just recently the way she talks about herself is heartbreaking

Anyone been through this? What did you do? What helped?

Thanks for reading.

Honestly is moving school an option? She’s not keen to stay there and a fresh start might be what she needs.

This sounds like she has been deliberately socially isolated by one other child. This is a form of bullying. I think you need to reframe your questions to the school - but I suspect they will do very little. Is there another school she can attend?

Move school. Poor little thing, hope things improve for you both OP.

I think I’d look at moving schools too.
so sorry this has happened.

Thank you both.

There are two other schools she could attend, both are full with waiting lists. I’m not against the idea of changing schools, I’m just worried incase it’s no better because she’s the new girl and friendships might already be established.

At my last meeting with the Head i decided to change my approach and stop making my DD the issue eg: She’s struggling to make new friends, she feels invisible and instead I told the Head I believe this is low level bullying. Once again I was told it’s typical girl behaviour. This is a village school that promotes its ‘inclusivity’ and ‘’nurturing ’ approach.

Urgh. Terrible. Why I chose a massive primary school. Nice deep friendship pool so even if it doesn’t work with one set there are other options. My poor sister went through hell in an “idyllic” tiny village primary - isolated and bullied.

Oh and the two family members who experienced this at the same age ended up being the most popular sociable girl / woman imaginable with legions of friends.

I bet you wish that one girl would just move away so your dd can be happy.

Why should your dd move schools because of one nasty bitch?
Have you spoken to her mother about her horrible dd?

This isn't just 'girl behaviour ' what nonsense and a total cop out by the head teacher. My girls go to the tiniest school - 14 pupils total - and any kind of bullying behaviour is stamped out immediately. Tell them to deal with it or you're removing your child, that's gone on way too long already.

The teachers shouldn't be standing back and seeing one child being isolated. They are showing no compassion and no leadership. Could you look up online the schools bullying policy? The others don't have to be best friends with her but they do have to let her play and join in activities. Otherwise she is being isolated which is a form of bullying. When you find the policy highlight the areas that she is being subjected to and write a letter to them outlining everything. Say you will have to go further if no effort is made to stop this.
I am a Primary Teacher.
But at this stage your child has suffered enough so do put her name down for other schools.

I agree with the moving schools and talking to the school. If these don’t work out, you can try and get her in with a different group , identify another little group . Have them over for play dates individually, then invite them as a group to a very fun activity- bowling, trampolining- whatever you have close by.

Has she friends outside of school? If not, could you encourage that with neighbours/your own friends kids. Just so she continues to experience friendship,

There are 10 other girls. Why dosny she play with them?

She’s struggling to make new friends, she feels invisible and instead I told the Head I believe this is low level bullying

Nothing low level about this OP. Try the head again, be persistent that this is bullying and you want to know what they are going to do about it. And if you are not satisfied go to the governors.

If the school won’t listen or do anything about a child being bullied (and let’s not pretend it’s anything else please Head Teacher) then you go to the school Governors.
Good luck op

Oh so sorry had this with my daughter queen bee deciding who was in and out. I just kept doing playdates regardless if they were returned lots of outside school activities. Told my daughter to brave it out until secondary school and now she has found her tribe
Sorry not much use really but I think from my own school years secondary is when they get real friends

Oh gosh I am so sorry this has happened.
Can she join in with other activities at breaktime maybe

Unfortunately it does seem quite common with girls from this age, year 3 by any chance?

Both my 2 girls began to struggle with friendships aged 8 and in year 3.
If you were to consider moving schools it would be advisable to do it sooner rather than later.

It's really hard as a parent to see you child struggling socially at school. I do think the teachers and head could try some other ways, is there a lunch club she could go to? My daughter has the option to go to a lunch club when she's finding it hard at lunch.

Sorry this is happening OP, I do think at 8, friendship dynamics certainly change. I've noticed it with my DS (also 8) who has gone from having a lovely little group of friends to him now being isolated and it's all down to one child (who was supposedly his best friend). I'd really lay it on thick with the school now, they have a duty of care towards your daughter. I really hope things improve.

Aww bless her, it sounds like school is making her miserable and affecting her confidence and self esteem. Do you get on with the parents of the children whom she used to be friends with? I’m just wondering if you could speak to the parents to help you to patch up their friendship.

If she was my child I would give serious consideration to moving her school so that she can have a fresh start. You mentioned that two schools have waiting lists. Are there any other decent schools nearby that could be considered?

I would also, in the meantime, go through the school’s bullying policy with a fine tooth comb and then arrange a meeting with the school (including the head teacher) to find out why the documented strategies in the policy are not being implemented, or implemented effectively. Quite often schools have chosen playground buddies ie children who take it in turns to actively seek out children who are on their own and make sure they are included and have someone to play with. Has the school got something similar? I would tell the school how the bullying is affecting your child and that, if they don’t take it seriously, you will be going to the school governors. You could also go one step further and inform Ofsted. Tell the headteacher that you will be doing this unless the issue is swiftly resolved. I do think though that if this has been going on for 6 months it is unlikely that her old friends are going to suddenly start including her again. Do you know why they fell out?

I also wonder whether you could arrange something to which she could invite her class? Maybe a birthday party or something different like an Easter party? Something that is seen as “cool” and might result in friendships for her. I would suggest a Halloween party but Halloween is quite a way off.

I hope things improve soon. 🌺

Y4? They missed half of reception due to the first lockdown, and social skills are noticeably lacking thanks to that.

That being said, school can do things to facilitate friendships, rebuild friendships and at the very least, pick up on a child spending playtimes alone and support them.