To finally want to make a decision for me?

[Megamamma]

Newish to the site and have made a new account.

Long post……

I have an intergenerational living dilemma and would be grateful for external views as I’m spinning with the options. I’ll provide brief background for context.

Female early fifties (2DDs 21 and 16)
Been with DP for 25 years, married for 8
I jointly own a mortgaged property with my DM (76) which was purchased before my marriage.

My DP and DDs have had an unconventional set up- living between two homes for over 2 decades.

In the not too distant future, we will be in receipt of a sum large enough to enable us to be mortgage free if we combine assets/funds.

Option 1.
I have broached the idea with my DM of pooling funds from the home we jointly own, to purchase a larger home (mortgage free), with funds we will acquire, for all 5 of us live in. However DM has concerns about losing her independence due to us all being together. This is the preferred option of DP and DDs.

Option 2.
DM would ideally prefer to stay in the current jointly owned home however, (she can not afford the mortgage or running costs without me) .

Option 3.
Purchase a smaller 2 bed property for DM. Note- she is beginning to become slower physically and relies on me for appointments, techy stuff and shopping. She has the usual elderly conditions, aches and pains and moderate/severe hearing loss but refuses to wear hearing aids. A separate 2 bed house for her is doable financially from the sale of the one we own together, but it would mean that DP and I take on a mortgage on an additional house so that she can be mortgage free on her own.

I have also suggested a new build flat rather than a house as it’s easier to maintain but she has rejected this option as she’s used to the house and garden that we currently have!

Option 4.
Leave DM in current house and maintain my financial obligations to it and her.

Im at my wits end with all the possible options with their pros and cons.
The ‘all in together’ option means there won’t be any mortgages at all!

I want to be mortgage free, but feel guilty for suggesting that DM leaves the home she loves (but can’t clean or maintain), when she doesn’t want to. I financially facilitate her to remain in our current home.

I feel as though I’ve always accommodated DM (she and DF separated and divorced many years ago in awful circumstances) to my detriment, yet feel guilty for even raising this topic with her.

AIBU for wanting to be mortgage free (redundancy may be on the cards in the next 12-18 months)., rather than paying the mortgage off for a further 8-9 years ?

AIBU in wanting to uproot DM and find a spacious home for us all- maybe even with annexe?

I want to say your not but i think you are. I think your being sensible and logical but that doesnt take into consideration her feelings.

I would suggest showing her the types of homes you could afford by doing your preffered option. Seeing it IRL might help but be patient and dont bully. If she feels forced ahe will always resent you for it.

I can see where you are coming from, but also feel for DM if she doesn't want to move in with you.

That said, I think you need to say to her 'Mum, the options are really that we sell up and buy one large house and you come to us - or we sell up and split the cash. You can buy or rent whatever you can afford with your share and keep your independence. It's up to you. What I can't continue to do, however, is keep paying 50% of everything for you whilst you remain here alone. You can't afford to stay here on your own, and I can't afford to keep supplementing it any longer'.

Tell her you're likely to be made redundant, or even that you plan on early retirement. You can't necessarily keep working for another 9 years (I'm in my 50s too and would resent this).

YANBU- tel you mum you cannot not contribute to financially contribute towards 2 homes. So she has the choice between option 1 or 3, or figuring out a way to cover the costs her home herself.

Would you be able to start looking for property where you could all live together, then if you find something with an annexe, take her and show her that she could still have her independence, and the use of a garden, etc. but with you all next door, in case she needs assistance to get to the doctors, help with tech, etc?