To refuse childcare/contact?

[alcoholicmum243]

So this might be long but I'll try to explain properly.

My mother is a functioning alcoholic. She has been for twenty years. She often drove drunk with my siblings and me in the car, would drink heavily pretty much every night. She was widowed unexpectedly about 5 years ago and got some therapy. I'd gone NC for about 6 months and so did my sibling for 2 years. She's never apologised for anything - she always comes back to it being your fault by some circular argument. She's very clever so it's hard to argue against her.

I've got married, had 1 child and the second is a newborn. I had several PNa and PND with my first and I've been worried for a while about how to deal with the escalating issues with my mum. She has done some childcare free for us which is kind of her - this started originally on a trial basis with my first and we refused to let her drive our LO just in case of any alcohol issues - but as I said we'd noticed some improvement since she was widowed and weren't really expecting issues.

Over the last month, she has done childcare twice. She turned up drunk the first time, telling me that she was probably still drunk from the night before. I wasn't happy and childcare didn't go ahead. The second time she turned up hung over and got very angry at me for questioning whether she was sober enough to do childcare saying I was being stupid and ridiculous.

We (DH and I) phoned her to talk it through last week once LO had gone to bed. The conversation didn't go well - she hasn't accepted she did anything wrong and wants an apology from me for not asking whether she'd had a nice time out (once for an Xmas party and the second for her birthday). I've ruined her birthday and been rude and vicious by asking her whether she was capable of looking after my LO. She told me I was using my child as a weapon so DH and I put the phone down.

I have no idea what to do to move forward so I'm looking for advice really. I can't stop going over the whole situation again and again. AIBU?

As a fellow child of an alcoholic, you’ve done enough and is now time to put your family first and step back.

I’d go completely NC to be honest. You can’t trust her and she shows no insight or remorse.

I’m sorry OP

Sounds like your life will probably be easier once you can come to accept that the best thing to do is to cut her out of it.

I would either go back to no contact or just make the decision that she won’t be looking after your child.

This is quite probably the most clear cut yanbu I have ever read. Your mum turned up drunk to look after your child. She won’t accept any responsibility for her actions and is trying to blame you. It’s up to you whether you want to expose yourself to more of thid by remaining in contact but there’s not a chance she’d be looking after my dc again. You haven’t done anything wrong.

I think you were very unreasonable to let your alcoholic mother look after your children.

A colleague of mine shares the great work this charity does and I’m sure they can support you

https://nacoa.org.uk/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAw6yuBhDrARIsACf94RUg1_NiXjB2Qex7ipsTABQqhqIFe7PLxwQDFpZiQ96z4B1TCwcM4kIaAv4sEALw_wcB

having family who will provide childcare is great and all but you shouldn’t be living in a state of anxiety hoping your mum doesn’t turn up either pissed or hungover when she’s about to be responsible for the care of your child. You simply can’t trust her and that’s that. Addiction is an illness but it doesn’t mean you have to put up with it, especially when she makes no effort to apologise or acknowledge it.

Yeah no i wouldnt..

I had issues around alcohol in my younger years, i think it would still be a problem now if i didn't take responsibility and own up to my toxic behaviour so i can amend it, grow and move forward. Its something i personally am extremely strict around these days. I feel if its illegal to drive or operate a vehicle even work under the influence then looking after children and being responsible is a no go. Accidents happen all the time with kids, if your reactions/mind is slower and not as responsive it raises the risks a lot more.

I have also stopped relatives looking after my baby at family gathering after a few drinks or if i feel there is an increased risk..if something happened and all along i was questioning their current ability i would blame myself for a lifetime, soothing someones feelings isnt more important then my peace of mind and a happy child.

I worry i sound intense, but from being me back then..i wouldn't want a child in my arms..i was a hazard enough to myself. Being devoid of accepting any responsibility is an even bigger red flag..

Yanbu I left my ex because he was an alcoholic and I could never trust ds in the car with him.

You are not weaponising your children, you are protecting them. Do not feel guilty !

Your child = your rules. As a child of an alcoholic then you have my sympathies. But you are well within your rights not to let her care for children under the influence. So what if she’s not happy. If she one of those kind of people who could threaten legal action? If so, she won’t have a leg to stand on but l doubt she’s stupid enough to say “my daughter won’t let me look after her children whilst lm drunk”

The logical answer is very clear. Under no circumstances should your DCs be with your mum unsupervised, now or in the future. It is hard OP. I had close family who drank and you want to believe that they will reform and do things differently. In some cases they do. In most cases they do not. Put yourself and the family first. You can still have a relationship with ur mum, but she cannot have the DCs unless supervised.

If you were an alcoholic your child would be taken out of your care and put into the care of someone responsible especially if you didn't improve your situation so why take them out of a safe environment and place them where they could be vulnerable and you will be uncomfortable.

It's hard when it's family my dad was a heavy drinker I wouldn't have left the children alone with him, he didn't change so neither did the situation.
Unfortunately an alcoholic is self serving and lives in denial and will rarely change if children and grandchildren aren't enough for them to change their lives around, nothing will be.
You can't help someone when they refuse to see the problem.

Alcohol addiction is a serious illness. I know this because a close family member is alcoholic. I'm pretty much NC now as I am tired of being blamed for their descent into alcoholism. I no longer have dependent children but I would not trust an alcoholic to care for them

I had a 10 year period of nc with my dm. No alcohol issues just an awful dm spilling into a sly dgm. . We reconnected and I regretted it immediately.. Muddled on for less than 2 years. She wasn't a positive addition to our lives so again I went nc. No regrets. No guilt. And won't be contacting her again. Ime you have given her more than enough chances. Your dc's safety and your mh count for more than having a dgm around...

Your mother is incapable of providing childcare. Regardless of any thing else, you can’t let her be in sole charge of the kids. At most she can visit them, but you or your dh have to be the ones who are doing the caring.

find local babysitters/childminders and just book care you need, don’t even discuss it with her.

you need to let go of the idea she could be a normal grandmother.

You can't let an alcoholic watch your dc. Ever.

she doesn't ever get left in charge of your children ever again, obviously. if you remain in contact depends on her behaviour - dont see her if it is a stress not a pleasure

Daughter of an alcoholic mother here. Too many awful things to recount from my own childhood. Mother was sober for 15 years but relapsed when my sister died in 2022. She didn't tell me that she was drinking again and I found out because she turned up to meet us at the fair on my daughter's birthday and was acting oddly. I went on a ride with my eldest daughter and she fed my youngest daughter who was 7 months old at the time full fat coke from a can because she 'looked thirsty.' Queried her behaviour at length after the event and she refused to admit that she had done anything wrong. I was just grateful I was there and nothing worse happened. Alcoholics are master manipulators and your Mum is manipulating you into believing that you're being unfair to her. You shouldn't let your children anywhere near her. Certainly not to be in her care. I went through so much with my Mum and I won't let her do the same to my kids. No matter how much she tries to convince me she's better or isn't drinking "much." It's not worth the risk.

Thank you. My DH is being a bit 'Mumsnet agrees with me too' which is fair. It's just upsetting to deal with and accept. I wish she'd pull herself together but I just don't see it happening. My siblings are really unsurprised but the rest of my family are a bit 'don't fight and make things difficult' so that's not fun or easy to deal with.

If she couldn't kick drink for her own dc she won't for someone else's will she?

You should never let an alcoholic babysit, not even for a few minutes while they are sober.

my alcoholic father has never even been in a room alone with my child. We don’t make a big deal out of it, we just make sure either DH or myself is always present.

when my mother was alive, we didn’t let her babysit either because I couldn’t trust she wouldn’t let my father be present.

My ma was a long-term alcoholic and nasty with it. The issue of childcare never arose, although she (very) occasionally saw us as a family; she was usually on her best behaviour then, anyway. I achieved this by mentally 'divorcing' her as a parent, and limiting contact to a general exchange of news, and other purely surface matters. I never entered into any discussions, and ruthlessly cut short conversations that threatened to get aggressive. I would usually send her a birthday card, but that was all. She was just someone I used to know. It relieved the stress admirably.

I just wanted to update you all tothank you for the advice. After the phone call, I've seen her once before today (she ignored me) and spoken to her once on the phone (to tell me about a family death).

Today she arrived while I was visiting a relative and aggressively accused me of lying to suit a narrative and said she would be taking me to court. She pointed in my face as she shouted and when asked not to, said she would do as she liked. She then hit me round the face twice (I blocked her). I'm five months pregnant. I left immediately after. Any doubts I had about going NC have gone (bit worried about visiting the relative though) and I just wanted to ask whether anyone knows if she can legally try to get contact with either grandchild (once the second is born)?

@alcoholicmum243 sorry to read your update and l hope you’re ok. I thought she might threaten you with the legal route. Zero chance for unborn child. Very little chance with existing children. That’s my understanding. It’s about the best interests of the children at the end of the day. She might be able to get a solicitor to said some letter to unsettle you but she’s wasting her time and money ultimately.

She has no rights to your dc. But consider reporting her to the police.. You may need to get a restraining order before long...