Advice on coping - marriage separation….

[Blossom4538]

Posted in AIBU for traffic, hope no-one minds….

I feel it’s sadly time for my H and I to separate and am just asking for advice for those who have gone through this please? There are many practicalities to look into but I’m mainly asking about what helped you to cope, get through it and maintain an amicable relationship (we have a child together). We will co-parent and H will still be very hands on. Also, how did you speak to your children and help them cope - our child is early teens, very anxious and emotional.

Thanks so much.

I divorced my ex-H almost 10 years ago.

I was the one to move out of the marital home (he bought me out) and we agreed 50/50 care of our 2 DC's.

I stayed living in the house while the purchase of my new home went through, and honestly the best advice I was given was 'keep your eyes on the prize'. It was exceedingly tough at times but I knew I was getting out & that helped me to slap a smile on in front of the DC & get on with things.

We saw a counsellor, specifically to get advice on how best to handle things for our DC, and her advice was

1. Never discuss anything relating to the split in terms of finances etc in front of your DC, don't leave paperwork lying around for them to see

2. When talking to your DC about the separation be as specific as you can about things. I waited until I had found our new home before we told my then 8yo DD what was happening. I then made an appointment for me to take her along to see it, pick her room etc. It removed un-necessary uncertainty for her as she was able to picture where we'd be living.

3. Get all the legals sorted as soon as you can...once one of you meets someone else any old loyalties fly out of the window & all good intentions to 'do the right thing' can disappear.

As I say, that was a while ago, and I'm sure advice differs from family to family, but they were the basics I tried to stick to.

I can't remember anything else, but if you have any specific questions I'd be glad to help.

Good luck OP.

I also moved out asap to prevent things souring and arguing in front of dc. I rented and dc were gradually taken to my new home and spent one or two nights there a week building up to 50/50. We now have them week about. Tried to not get angry about things or, if I did get angry, ranted to someone else before messaging ex.

Thanks you.
I just feel so sad thinking of us apart, he is lovely. But I also know we are just friends, close friends and I feel like I’m starting to resent him a little as it’s nothing more. I no there’s no coming back from it. I have developed feelings for someone else, nothing has happened (other than long hugs) and nothing can happen as we are now no longer in contact. The fact I was so caught up in him and miss him makes me realise that I’m not in love with my husband. There is no physical side to our relationship, other than hugs. But I’m not some silly teen and if I could make things work I would. I feel so sad about it all but this has been on my mind for two years now. H knows how I feel. I don’t know if I’m making a huge mistake.

I felt really sad, too. And still do sometimes. But I am so much more settled in my bones. And exdh is, too, actually-he didn’t realise how much happier he could be, even though neither of us were unhappy. I’m glad we separated when we did. It was really really hard and has caused many tears and upset but ultimately we both respected each other and wanted to make it as painless and fair as possible and as easy on kids as it could be. When I first moved out there was a period of time where, if we had both wanted to, we could have tried to work it out. I absolutely love life now. I love living on my own and being able to provide for me and the kids and being able to be completely in control of my money and my life.

This will go against the grain but if you're living with someone you describe as a close friend who you are amicable with and an anxious and emotional teen then why not just stay put? In this instance it sounds like it would be better for your child to keep things stable.

I just don’t think I can do that anymore. I hope that doesn’t make me an awful parent

I don’t work currently so need to also get a job, around responsibilities surrounding my child (it’s not straight forward without going into too much detail) and caring for and spending time with another family member too. I do have some savings.

That's totally fair enough and absolutely not an awful parent. Everyone has their limits and right to be happy and fulfilled. Sounds like you're juggling a few things. Good luck with it all. X