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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SEN child has been invited to birthday party.

24 replies

AstorianPlease · 13/02/2024 12:22

Hi all,

Just looking for a bit of advice really my just turned three year old who is on the ASD pathway and has a genetic condition and at the moment cannot walk and is non verbal has been invited to another child's birthday party in pre school which is really sweet but I don't know if the other parents know about his additional needs.

It's our first ever invite and I'd like him to go as it's a place that he likes but he won't interact with the other children, to be honest he'll act like they aren't there and do his own thing. He won't entertain the other children or parents at all and I don't know if I should take him really.

The parent has left her number on the invitation so should I message them explaining my son's additional needs and ask if it's still okay for him to attend? Or am I over thinking this?

OP posts:
BCBird · 13/02/2024 12:25

If it makes you feel better then do this. It will also give other mum the heads up. You might meet some nice mums there too.

Barleysugar86 · 13/02/2024 12:27

I find 3 year olds are quite anti-social anyway, so I wouldn't worry about that. Discuss with the mum but I think you should give it a go - unless there are concerns he'll actively disrupt the party I don't think a bit of anti-socialness will even be registered.

Whattodo112222 · 13/02/2024 12:27

I wouldn't ask if you should still attend no. Your son has been invited because presumably he's friends with the birthday child.

You could just rsvp and mention your sons additional needs and not to be offended if he doesn't interact with the kids etc but honestly if I was the birthday child's parents I wouldn't want you to feel you had to explain yourself x

CinnamonTree · 13/02/2024 12:27

I did exactly the same thing when my boy was first (and only sadly) invited to a birthday party. Parents were fine about it. I hope you meet some nice friendly mums/dads there and your LO has a great time.

Dontjudgeme101 · 13/02/2024 12:29

Sorry to hear that @CinnamonTree 💐💐💐

Original poster
AstorianPlease · 13/02/2024 12:32

My DH has just gotten the invitation from the car and it's actually for another child so gonna pass it back to nursery tonight (should have looked at it before panicking and posting here, sorry!)

I guess panic over but a bit sad DS wasn't invited but not surprised, he doesn't know or understand really so won't be upset or anything but I'm gonna take him to the place over the weekend (not when the party is obvs) he'll enjoy it.

Thank you for the advice though and hopefully if he does get invited one day I'll have an idea of what to do.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 13/02/2024 12:32

Don't suggest not going, but by all means give them the heads-up that his needs mean that he might not be able to join in fully but he will love being there all the same. I hope it goes really well, and that other parents are encouraged to invite your son to their kids' parties too.

lanthanum · 13/02/2024 12:34

Oh, that's a pity! Hopefully one day...

seaandsandals · 13/02/2024 12:34

He's been invited so presumably they would like him to attend.
Maybe they are just nice thoughtful people who are including him.
I wouldn't be reading anything other than that into it.

seaandsandals · 13/02/2024 12:35

seaandsandals · 13/02/2024 12:34

He's been invited so presumably they would like him to attend.
Maybe they are just nice thoughtful people who are including him.
I wouldn't be reading anything other than that into it.

Sorry just read your update.

JMSA · 13/02/2024 12:37

AstorianPlease · 13/02/2024 12:32

My DH has just gotten the invitation from the car and it's actually for another child so gonna pass it back to nursery tonight (should have looked at it before panicking and posting here, sorry!)

I guess panic over but a bit sad DS wasn't invited but not surprised, he doesn't know or understand really so won't be upset or anything but I'm gonna take him to the place over the weekend (not when the party is obvs) he'll enjoy it.

Thank you for the advice though and hopefully if he does get invited one day I'll have an idea of what to do.

Oh shit, I'm so sorry. I'd bet my bottom dollar that your son isn't the only uninvited one though.

If another invitation comes - as I am sure it will! - then I wouldn't bother getting in touch in advance to explain about your son. You shouldn't have to. Unless, of course, he was physically unable to manage the activity.

FluffMagnet · 13/02/2024 12:44

I'm sorry the invite turned out to be about someone else but try not to take it to heart. It is hellish trying to get the names of friends from young children. Can you throw a party for your DS and get to know parents that way? Hopefully they will get to know and recognise your DS and his needs. Seriously though, parties at this age are just insane. I've seen children who only want to play quietly with their parents and children swinging from the ceiling, with everything in between.

Serene135 · 13/02/2024 14:31

He will get invited to parties in the future and when he does I would advise that you don’t message to explain your son; you don’t have to! If you are invited to a party and the setting is not really appropriate for your son then you can just politely decline the invitation and say you already have plans that day. Also I’ve lost count as to how many times I’ve been to birthday parties and seen children doing their own thing, not interacting, or just sat on their parent’s lap. No one is bothered! 🌺 Has the preschool got a WhatsApp group? Most classes/groups these days have got one and it’s a great way to share party invites and build rapport with other parents. Your son might not have been invited because the parents don’t know your child’s name and it can be hard for young children to reel off all of the names of children in the class. That’s why WhatsApp groups are so helpful! I wouldn’t dwell on party invites anyway, especially if your son is a little oblivious to them. Just make his weekends special with trips out e.g. to the park. You will all probably have more fun anyway!

Zippedydoodahday · 13/02/2024 14:34

I wonder if the staff have just put the wrong invite in the wrong bag. Is it worth checking with them whether all the kids were invited to their knowledge?

SandyWaves · 13/02/2024 14:44

Serene135 · 13/02/2024 14:31

He will get invited to parties in the future and when he does I would advise that you don’t message to explain your son; you don’t have to! If you are invited to a party and the setting is not really appropriate for your son then you can just politely decline the invitation and say you already have plans that day. Also I’ve lost count as to how many times I’ve been to birthday parties and seen children doing their own thing, not interacting, or just sat on their parent’s lap. No one is bothered! 🌺 Has the preschool got a WhatsApp group? Most classes/groups these days have got one and it’s a great way to share party invites and build rapport with other parents. Your son might not have been invited because the parents don’t know your child’s name and it can be hard for young children to reel off all of the names of children in the class. That’s why WhatsApp groups are so helpful! I wouldn’t dwell on party invites anyway, especially if your son is a little oblivious to them. Just make his weekends special with trips out e.g. to the park. You will all probably have more fun anyway!

Agree with this wonderful post

Whattodo112222 · 13/02/2024 15:42

There will be so many other parties in the future xx

He is a lucky boy to have such a caring mummy

Katemax82 · 13/02/2024 16:26

Yes definitely talk to the mum. My son is autistic and loved the 1st birthday party he went to. It changed over time but parents all new he was autistic so we're understanding

HamsterKebab · 13/02/2024 16:34

Zippedydoodahday · 13/02/2024 14:34

I wonder if the staff have just put the wrong invite in the wrong bag. Is it worth checking with them whether all the kids were invited to their knowledge?

Yes this.

Elderado · 13/02/2024 16:38

At age 3 you will probably stay with him anyway - in my experience parents didn’t leave until their children were in school at around ages 5. Tell them and ask if it’s ok for you to stay.

Original poster
AstorianPlease · 13/02/2024 16:46

Zippedydoodahday · 13/02/2024 14:34

I wonder if the staff have just put the wrong invite in the wrong bag. Is it worth checking with them whether all the kids were invited to their knowledge?

A staff member actually handed DH the invitation along with a Valentine's Day Card (home made) which was also made by this other child so maybe we got handed the wrong one or there's just been a genuine mistake and the staff member had a bit of brain fog haha but I'll return it tonight and ask that the correct child gets it.

Thank you genuinely for all the advice everyone, having a child is a bit of a minefield and I overthink everything and feel like I have to justify DS but you're right, I don't. He's just a little boy who may need to do things a bit differently and if he does get invited to something unsuitable I'll politely decline.

Thank you again Flowers

OP posts:
PTSDBarbiegirl · 13/02/2024 16:50

Good chance to meet other parents, give the Mum the heads up so they are aware and know you'll be staying at party. Could be a way to make networks, others may have SEN too. Don't worry about them not seeking out others, people are more accepting than they used to be and you can say, they do their own thing but being included means alot as a party environment may be new to your dc.

Nevermind31 · 13/02/2024 16:59

OP - my DC just had their party (year1, so older) and they gave me the names of the children they wanted to invite. 2 of those were autistic, one liked played with my DC, and one did not join in at all. My DC wanted them there, what they do once at the party is up to the child (as long as they don’t hurt other children). The parents both stayed.
my NT DC is very shy, so often doesn’t join in at parties… still gets invited though.
so next time - don’t overthink, just go.

thatneverhappened · 13/02/2024 17:11

I really wouldn't worry. Took my 3yo to a party a few weeks ago and she refused to engage with a single child or parent. She that does her own thing. I've no idea if she's ND or just stubborn but nobody expects too much from little children. I wouldn't be worried personally

emmaempenadas · 13/02/2024 18:23

Dd was at a party a couple of weeks ago and lots of the kids were sat with parents. Dd ran about for most of it but got tired and grumpy and sat next to me likes lots of other children.

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