Tween unkind messages about me

[Sahm987654]

My tween got a phone at Christmas and I went agreed that I would be periodically keeping an eye on it just to make sure she wasn't getting out of her depth with anything. I've literally only looked at it twice but there have been some dramas at school so I had a quick look before.

I heard some voice notes between her and a friend saying how awful I am for making her do her more chores than her siblings (she's 4 years older) but she does get more pocket money. She is obsessed with shopping also and I try to teach her the value of money by trying to get her to contribute a little to the many things she wants to buy. I probably don't do this as much with the younger ones as they don't tend to want as much as her, or the things they want aren't as expensive (tweens have expensive taste!!) She was also saying how unhappy she was with this also. I was quite shocked at how resentful she was in the voice notes about this and I'm not sure how to handle it! I've always been very close to her and I'm just surprised that she's talking about me in such a horrible way when she's never spoken to me directly about any of this :-( any advice appreciated.

How old is she?

She is 11

Teenagers are all about "It's so unfair! I hate you" I wouldn't take it to heart of course she will moan to a friend.

I would be honest. Say as a parent you will randomly check her phone to keep her safe. I would then say how hurt you were to find those msgs.Hoping she shows some empathy. And explain why she has the chores and why

Sorry she's 11, which is a bit young, but the same applies, hormones etc

Try not to take it to heart too much. Some tweens just do that to show off to their friends, they see 'parent bashing' in films, TV shows and from their peers. I remember complaining about how annoying my parents were for not letting let me do something (even when I didn't particularly want to do it)
I wouldn't tell her I'd heard the messages. I'd make even more of an effort to bond with her, while getting across the importance of money etc.

This reminds me of a podcast I heard, a famous mother, can't think who, was talking about her teen daughter shouting at her "I don't like you" and the Mum shouted back "You're not meant to" 😂

She is 11. You should be regularly checking her phone.

She is 11. She is going to complain and rant about chores to her friends. I’d let that go. Water off a ducks back.

I wouldn’t say that you’d listened to the messages and she should be able to vent to her friends etc.

I would take on board what she’s saying and use it as a nudge for you both to come up with a plan on how she can become more financially independent - ie could she have a monthly allowance that includes buying clothes (except boring stuff like uniform and underwear type things). That will help to teach her the value of money too.

This is hilarious but also massively helpful!!

Perfectly normal I think

Very normal. Please don't tell her you've been snooping. But ask her to her face to check her phone to reinforce it. Don't snoop behind her back

They do this as a pastime. It's likely she doesn't mean it. 🤗

I'd let it go. Definitely wouldn't let on that youve heard them.

If it's bothering you this much now, I'd also suggest you prepare yourself for the next few years ahead 😬

I think by the sounds of it you’re doing it right if she’s moaning about you to friends

Did you never do the same about your parents? Only real difference is that you either did it in person, on the phone out of earshot, or in notes passed during classes. Kids don’t change…the technology does.

Ha! Loving the experienced teen parents on here!! Glad I'm just being a bit sensitive. Not used to this you see. Best buckle up but deffo feel better about it now. Thanks for the great advice 😃 I think there'll be many more threads to come!!

It's incredibly hurtful when a previously lovely child turns into a horror. It's usually the mother who gets it in the neck. I found it really traumatising actually.

Ah don't take it to heart OP, all kids this age have a moan about their parents - I know I did and looking back on it, my parents were pretty easygoing! It's just part of growing up and fitting in with their peers. Also, as an aside, be careful not to put too much responsibility on her as the eldest - I was too hard on my eldest because it was my first experience of parenting a teen and I was so worried about him 'going off the rails' if I was too soft. With hindsight and experience of four more teen sons, I didn't need to be so tough on him and he was a really good kid apart from the odd teenage strop. Concentrate on having a good relationship with her and enjoy treating her to the odd shopping trip - it honestly won't turn her into a spoilt monster! ☺️

Moaning about your parents is a teenage rite of passage and your poor 11 year old hasn't got much to complain about really. She's not going to admit to a friend that you're very generous and reasonable. Don't mention the messages, keep checking her phone and remind her that you do so to keep her safe.

Mine will do it when one of her friends moans about her parents I think they enjoy it secretly ! Heaven forbid I asked her to take her cup out to the sink ! Shame on me lol !
I have two in their adult ages now and they sure did the same thing too OP , it's never nice to hear it but I think it's just them growing up and I moaned about my mum
At that age too

Checking her phone should be a check on all apps for anything inappropriate, check she's not visiting inappropriate websites and that her messages are to known people

I don't think you should be snooping into individual messages unless there's a known issue with the person sending them or a quick glance shows an issue (links to websites/inappropriate pictures/bullying leaping out) and then should be done with her so she can have a say.
At the very least if a message is about you then you stop listening.

It's like reading her diary and then punishing her for what's said in there