DH, pregnancy and work stress

[Eddieegg]

DH works hard which is a quality I admire in him but has the tendency to take on way too much and not set any boundaries. He also brings a lot of work and stress home with him. I’m 32 weeks pregnant with DC1 with what has admittedly been a pretty straightforward pregnancy so far besides bad morning sickness at the start and obviously I’m now getting quite large so finding things more physically challenging.

DH is having a stressful time at work and accusing me of not being sympathetic to his work stress but the reality is I just don’t have the capacity to take on someone else’s stresses at the moment. I’m a pragmatic person but my suggestions mostly fall on deaf ears and are met with excuses why I’m stupid or not thinking of the full situation etc etc and of course what I’m suggesting won’t work. For example if I can’t get support from a team member I’ll raise with my line manager but he couldn’t possibly do this. It doesn’t seem to be a short period of stress more like the status quo.

It’s coming to a head because he’s getting more and more stressed and feels I’m not being there for him like I normally am. I’m also working full time still in a fairly demanding job, I wfh mostly and since finishing this evening I’ve been to the supermarket, cooked dinner, sorted washing and I just want to sit down before bed and not take on more problems. DH has walked in, started a rant, not asked me how I am at all, eaten the dinner I made and told me I’m not supportive.

I know this is a one sided account of things and I’m probably being hormonal but is this right or am I just being precious because I’m pregnant and should I suck it up and try harder? I know I’m not heavily pregnant but do have a lot on my mind atm which is compounded by lack of sleep and just feeling emotional!

I'd stop with the pragmatic suggestions. It sounds like he wants someone to listen rather than suggest solutions. However I'd also be asking him what he's done to support you, his 32 week pregnant wife today. And point out that you have done quite a lot practically to support him despite starting to physically struggle.

I agree with the first post. He needs to sort his work shit out to a sustainable reasonable level as when he has a newborn he is going to be supporting you both not the other way around. How is he planning on doing this if he can't even ask you how you are. Even the happiest relationships get tested by a newborn and 'I'm more tired/ I had a worse day than you' type conversations.

The thing is I don’t mind listening but this is probably ‘stress’ or work problems that have been ongoing for the last year or two. It’s always a rant when he gets in the door and creates a bad atmosphere. So I started offering some solutions as I said I have a ‘proper’ job as well! Just not sure what else I can do show I care. I’ve stopped mentioning anything related to pregnancy and I’m just sorting most things myself to take more off him.

Are you the more supportive partner in the relationship normally?

I say this as I think many people ( women in my experience) can be very accomdating and it's only when they ask for support they find it's not there. It an eye opener and worth a conversation about how you are wanting to feel tired and needing rest/ switching off.

He may also be stressed about the big changes coming up with the baby and this is tipping him over the edge from work.

If you asked him 'what do you need from me?' What would he say? Ask him to be specific rather than him saying 'be supportive' e.g. 'what does me being supportive look like?'

I would suggest having some time over the weekend to talk about how you're both dealing with stress, and how you'll manage once the baby is here. It's a stressful time and you need to be a team.

My DH is a bit like this and I've learnt sometimes I just need to let him vent and nod occasionally. I'm not offering solutions anymore because it doesn't help and winds him up more. After its out of his system he's much calmer but it is still annyoing! I'm sensitive to his mood though due to issues in childhood so that complicates things for me sometimes.