To call it quits?

[Mr279]

I've recently considered calling time on my three year long relationship and I'm inwardly crushed by the decision. Couple days ago I had a word with my partner, she'd been going on and on about a certain married male colleague. I counted five times before saying something about it.

They don't work together, live hundreds of miles apart but chat almost every day. I've heard details enough about this guy's life, his family and opinions to feel pretty uncomfortable. My partner and I live apart and I've never met her colleague. I've also never overshadowed her life with mine, I completely respect her independence.
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i've found myself having the same conversation with her on four separate occasions about four different people. Constantly over sharing to me about one male colleague or other, it's happened more often than I can count. Who some guy at work's been screwing, what they're earning, how attractive someone is etc, sometimes it's seemed almost deliberate. I'm 51 she's 55, is this normal or am I missing something?!

In the past she once told me she's an exceptional liar but only ever in a business context (sales) and would never do that to me. Problem is I can't help but see her actions a lot clearer than any reassurances offered. We get along well, share a mutual attraction and interests but I feel I don't know who she really is.

Anyway I've had bad vibes about this particular work colleague floating around for the past year. They've known each other a lot longer than we've been together so have tried to see it as mere friends. But her bout of"mention-itis" coincides with increased overnight work stays. These trips always involve booking a double hotel room a day early (to avoid traffic and arrange dog sitter) it's all pretty plausible but the reasons given are always vague sounding.

Speaking a few days ago she suddenly interrupted our call to take his, called me back sounding weirdly more engaged with me than a few minutes beforehand. Suddenly really interested in everything going on in my life, I dunno. Just a noticeable switch in energy I suppose.

One of these away trips is this week and I'm genuinely close to leaving her rather than scratching my head further.

Advice please

So when you've said this to her, about talking too much about others and feeling uncomfortable about it etc, what was her reply?

I think that you don’t trust her and she isn’t behaving in a way that you would expect of a 55 year old woman in a committed relationship.

I'll be honest, I'd probably break up with someone for being as boring as she sounds.

Why would you have any interest in listening to her rabbiting on about the personal lives of colleagues of hers you don't know?

😂😂 lol fair

Op it sounds like some pretty classic red flags from what you say. It's giving you reason to feel you don't trust her and I suppose only you can decide the extent of that but doubts like this would suggest that the relationship won't last. Its weird she has bragged to you that she is a great liar, like she is proud of it...very much not what your partner wants to hear. But she does sound pretty insufferable anyway tbh and perhaps that combined with your doubts means it's time to move on

I couldn't be with anyone who admitted to being an accomplished liar, regardless of the context, what an utterly horrible trait.

Thanks for the reply. I've always been super clear with her about how uncomfortable and frankly, weird her behaviour has made me feel. She denies, defects the issue back onto perceived insecurities of mine, complains she's only sharing about work. I'd have absolutely no problem if work was the main discussion but it isn't.

The relationship isn't good, all around. Stop wasting your time and end it already.

Is she deliberately making the point that she has options, or trying to make you jealous? Does she want more commitment from you? Maybe some kind of 'treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen' bullshit?

Well you obviously don't believe or trust her, so you should pack her in.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

Or, perhaps, you should just talk to her and tell her how you feel/what you think?

Then there's going to be no changes are there? You're unhappy with the status quo, she is fine with it, I'd say call it quits cause you're obviously unhappy and life's too short to stay in an unhappy relationship - they are meant to bring you happiness after all!

Thanks, I appreciate the feedback. I've no idea what people would say or think, I just wanted some fresh eyes on my situation, advice. It's felt daunting opening up because I've kept my feelings to myself and between us, but this one is a major issue.

Yes, leave her. You are unhappy, she is not listening to you.

I've recently considered calling time on my three year long relationship and I'm inwardly crushed by the decision

Which is more crushing, breaking up and moving on or staying in an unhappy relationship with someone who doesn't care about your feelings? You know the answer.

Whizz her out the window. This is ridiculous on her part. She sounds 16.

Boredom is the operative word, yes it's gotten that way. I've cringed out of my skin sometimes hearing this other crap. That said I take genuine interest in her day and would happily engage with her on happenings at work. But us talking shop now just seems to present her with opportunity to bang on about colleagues of the opposite sex. She's losing me basically

Thanks for replying, I appreciate it. The vibe she gives off is one of giddy office flirt, attention seeker and serial gossip. Hardly ever discusses her female colleagues, usually it's negative feedback about them when she has. She's very insecure about her looks, weight etc. I've always been an affectionate man, openly fancying her and telling her so. So yeah, creating jealousy is what it feels like (as the man dating her).

Thanks. It feels like that's where things are is heading unfortunately.

Do you know what, she sounds like an awful bore.
Why would she presume that you give a fuck, about what these random people she's wittering on about are up to ...
Give your head a rest and move on.

Thanks, I do sometimes feel she's got something else going on with her personality because everything seems so plausible and normal on the surface. When she made the liar comment it was during a relaxing afternoon chilling together in the garden. I can't understand where it came from even now.

I do and you're completely right. Thanks for saying it like it is.

Agreed. The comment turned my stomach and buggered up the weekend for me as I couldn't unhear it. The relationship has felt pretty disingenuous since. Thanks again for taking the time

Definitely agree with binning this one off. You're clearly not happy, so don't waste your time. Being a good liar is not a virtue.

Thanks and I agree, it's odd behaviour for a grown woman in a committed relationship. Seems I'm going to have to cut my losses.

I've practically had the same conversation with her word for word. I've always had the complaint thrown back in my face as paranoia and insecurity. It's why I've gotten to this point of speaking about it now to gauge what others think. Thank you

I've got a friend who does practically zero outside of work. She gets up at 4.30am and gets home well after 6 and goes to bed about 9. All her conversations are about people at work that nobody else knows and what they're doing because she has zero to talk about. It's hard to keep the conversation going. She will ask me and other friends a question eg 'what did you get up to at the weekend?' and then just nod or say 'hmmm'. It's poor conversation skills and it's boring I agree. It's hard being with her one to one.

Your girlfriend sounds like this with an added bonus of giddy immaturity and self centeredness which is a weird mix.

We put up with it though because she's an old friend and we love her and don't see her that often.

Thanks for replying and yes, there's definite similarities with your friend. "it's hard being with her one on one" that spoke volumes to me.