My husband (42m) and I (39f) have been married two years and have a 5 month old son.
He’s incredibly close with his family, having only moved out when we got married, and works in the family business with them every day (his mum, dad, sister and nephew) I on the other hand left home 20 years ago, and whilst I’m close with my family I’ve always been independent.
When we met, we all got on well, but it was very much a case of “them and me.” His family were polite and friendly as long as everything was done on their terms. Holidays, Xmas, Mother’s Day all had to be centred around them, and if I pushed back ever so slightly (wanting to see my own mother on Mother’s Day for example) they would be passive aggressive about it but let it go so long as my husband (partner at the time) stayed with them and didn’t join me.
In the lead up to our wedding it was again very much them and me. My family were extremely involved with the planning, helped decorate the venue etc but his family completely gave them the cold shoulder and hated my family having any say in anything (even though my parents gifted us a large sum of money toward the cost and they gave nothing)
I tolerated their behaviour for my husbands sake, and naively thought once we were married they would show a bit more respect to our relationship and give us some space. This obviously didn’t happen-they call my husband first thing in the morning, will call numerous times a day on the weekend to see what we had for lunch, where we’ve been etc, and if we do go out for the day and don’t call at their house on the way home they’ll call again in the evening to say how disappointed they are that we didn’t stop by on the way home. This makes my husband feel incredibly guilty. Again, I’ve tolerated this and told myself they just need time to adjust to my husband having his own life away from them (even though he works with them 5 days a week)
Our son was born 5 months ago, after years of thinking we couldn’t have children. We never told anyone we couldn’t, and most people assumed we simply didn’t want them, so when our son came along there was an expectation from my mil that as I “hadn’t wanted children” then I would be returning to work quickly and she would look after him. I have no plans to return to work at the moment and am the happiest I’ve ever been at home looking after our beautiful son.
He was born 4weeks early, had sepsis and was quite unwell so we’ve naturally been cautious about exposing him to too much germs. My in laws have only visited twice, the first time my mil held him for 3 hours, I was trying to establish breast feeding so was desperate hold him but she just wouldn’t have it saying it was her time. We’ve been going over to their house every now and again, but each time we go she will take him out of the car seat, hold him and pass him around other family members and act as though he’s hers and will completely ignore my comments about him. If he does need feeding I take him into another room, but as soon as I walk back in she will ask for him back. If I say I’ll hold on to him she’ll instruct another family member to take home from me as “it’s their turn.”
My husband has asked them nicely not to kiss him, which they have listened to but they make comments to my husband when I’m not there stating “I hope she’s told her family they can’t kiss him and not just us.”
Each time I’m there I feel incredibly disrespected. I feel like a terrible mother for not standing up to her and letting my son be passed around like a parcel so my solution to avoid conflict has been to just not call there. I do send pictures of him a few times a week to keep them updated.
She’s now making comments to my husband that she never sees him, and when she bumped into my mum at the supermarket she asked when she saw him last and how often. I’ve made it clear she’s welcome to call at ours, but I know she won’t because she has less control when she’s here.
l’m trying really hard to not resent my husband. I left home 20 years ago whereas he only left when we got married so he’s still learning boundaries, but all he wants is for everyone to get along and he tends to think I’m being too sensitive or not understanding enough of their dynamic. If I give him examples of all the little jibes she makes and passive aggressive Facebook posts she makes directed at me he says I’m misinterpreting or need to ignore it (example- the day we said no kisses she posted a meme about a grandmas kiss is like medicine, and after my husband told her we needed a bit more space in the evening and he can’t always answer the phone she shares a song about how a mother loved her son before the wife did)but I’m trying to get him to understand that their family dynamic is not healthy for me, and whilst I tolerated it while we were dating, now that we’re married with a son I expect to be treated and acknowledged and respected as our sons mother, and if they can’t do this then I will be low contact. AIBU? Should I be handling this differently?