AIBU to go NC with my parents?

user5068 · 2024-02-12T11:13:45+00:00

I'm an 18 year old boy studying at university so I'm not a parent but just looking for some advice and to know if I'm being unreasonable. I'm quite a reserved and quiet person who likes being alone a lot although I can socialise with others but growing up my parents took this as a sign of depression and tried to force me to go to the doctors aged 15. I had an issue with this because when I was 13, I went to a counsellor at school to speak about an unrelated issue. The counsellor then told my parents without me knowing and my mother ended up telling my grandparents without my permission. My grandparents and mother are quite gossipy people so I was really upset as I knew that my issue had just been spread around the family. I am gay and when I texted my mum she told my dad (without my permission of course) and he ended up laughing at me and he regularly makes homophobic jokes and calls random things 'gay.' My sister (12 years old) has also learnt off of him and also is quite homophobic. My mum isn't as bad but still hasn't supported me isywim. For the past few years my sister has taken knives out me, swore at me and comes into my room and doesn't leave which just makes me feel like I don't have privacy. My parents haven't really raised my sister properly so even though she is intelligent and gets good grades, she is quite rude and spoilt. I was also bullied between the ages of 11 - 12 and 15 - 16 by two different groups of people at school. The first time, I told my parents and they just laughed so I didn't tell my parents the second time. I have been suicidal since the age of 13 but haven't told them as I'm worried it will just get gossiped about. I have worked since the age of 16 and saved most of my money as I'm not really one for partying etc. I also have a small trust fund so I don't really depend on my parents for money although they do sometimes give me some for food etc. AIBU to start going low contact and then eventually no contact?

DustyLee123 · 12/02/2024 11:17

Yes, just go low contact.
Do you not have a lock on your bedroom door at home?

Original poster

user5068 · 12/02/2024 11:23

DustyLee123 · 12/02/2024 11:17

Yes, just go low contact.
Do you not have a lock on your bedroom door at home?

No, I'm not allowed a lock on my room at home. I'm at university a lot of the time which means I do get a bit of privacy.

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WhatNoRaisins · 12/02/2024 11:27

I don't think you necessarily need to make a decision about going no contact now if you don't feel ready. It might be better to focus on what boundaries you need with these people. I do know people who have managed to create better relationships with their parents once they are no longer living together and have figured out what works for them.

takealettermsjones · 12/02/2024 11:40

Firstly, I'm sorry you've been treated like this by your parents and sister. I'm also sorry you're feeling suicidal. Have you had any support for this? I don't mean from them - I mean externally. Try not to let your previous experiences put you off, as hard as that will be. At 13 a counsellor may have been obliged to tell your parents some things, depending on what they were, but now you're 18 you're in charge of your own health and wellbeing. You could register with a different GP from your parents, or go to the medical services at your university.

Secondly, I think low/no contact is jumping the gun at this point. You still live with them. First and foremost you need a plan for how you're going to get out. You have money saved up and that's great, but you will need a good income and ideally a buffer to set yourself up in a flat or house by yourself. I know it's hard, but as long as you're safe, I think you should stay at home until you've graduated. You can then look for a decent job and move as soon as you can. If you move now, you could easily be struggling with only a part time wage.

Once you're out, you can consider what you want to do. You might decide to go low contact, or you might decide that you do want a relationship with them, but that you want to set some boundaries. You'll have had time by then to really think about it. You could even practise what you want to say. Things can change a lot in a couple of years, so I'd say keep your head down and concentrate on getting through your degree and then out on your own after that.

Oh - and if your sister pulls a knife on you again, call the police!

Hoglet70 · 12/02/2024 11:44

Oh bless you, it sounds rubbish. You will find counsellors at University are confidential, you are over 18 so please talk to someone if you can.
I would have as little to do with the family as possible if you are not reliant on them for funds and make sure you have holiday jobs so you can avoid going home in the holidays (easier in year 2 onwards if you are in a student house and not in halls). I just want to give you an enormous hug, I hope things get better for you.

Original poster

user5068 · 12/02/2024 11:49

takealettermsjones · 12/02/2024 11:40

Firstly, I'm sorry you've been treated like this by your parents and sister. I'm also sorry you're feeling suicidal. Have you had any support for this? I don't mean from them - I mean externally. Try not to let your previous experiences put you off, as hard as that will be. At 13 a counsellor may have been obliged to tell your parents some things, depending on what they were, but now you're 18 you're in charge of your own health and wellbeing. You could register with a different GP from your parents, or go to the medical services at your university.

Secondly, I think low/no contact is jumping the gun at this point. You still live with them. First and foremost you need a plan for how you're going to get out. You have money saved up and that's great, but you will need a good income and ideally a buffer to set yourself up in a flat or house by yourself. I know it's hard, but as long as you're safe, I think you should stay at home until you've graduated. You can then look for a decent job and move as soon as you can. If you move now, you could easily be struggling with only a part time wage.

Once you're out, you can consider what you want to do. You might decide to go low contact, or you might decide that you do want a relationship with them, but that you want to set some boundaries. You'll have had time by then to really think about it. You could even practise what you want to say. Things can change a lot in a couple of years, so I'd say keep your head down and concentrate on getting through your degree and then out on your own after that.

Oh - and if your sister pulls a knife on you again, call the police!

Yes, I suppose I have jumped the gun a little bit! You are right about the income thing. I think I'm going to try and keep my head down a bit and earn some money so I have a bit more choice in terms of housing etc. once I've graduated. I like your idea about getting a job in the holidays. Thanks.

OP posts:

Original poster

user5068 · 12/02/2024 11:50

Hoglet70 · 12/02/2024 11:44

Oh bless you, it sounds rubbish. You will find counsellors at University are confidential, you are over 18 so please talk to someone if you can.
I would have as little to do with the family as possible if you are not reliant on them for funds and make sure you have holiday jobs so you can avoid going home in the holidays (easier in year 2 onwards if you are in a student house and not in halls). I just want to give you an enormous hug, I hope things get better for you.

I would welcome your hug. 🤗

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gannett · 12/02/2024 11:52

Oh sweetheart. I met one of my best friends at university, and so much of what you're going through is the same as what he went through. I'm sad that there are still parents putting their kids through this shit.

You're not unreasonable to have no contact as the goal. My friend eventually went NC with his family when he was in his late 20s and only regretted he hadn't done it sooner - they never changed, they never made amends and every year he held out hope just caused him more grief.

You're in a really good position financially. I don't know if it's sufficient to enable you to move out of the family home completely, so you need to have a really solid plan of action for that before cutting ties. It's OK to bide your time until you're sure you can be independent.

But going NC will improve your life and your mental health immeasurably. You don't deserve to have to deal with this continual homophobic abuse and violence.

My friend has been with his boyfriend for 7 years now, they own a house together and he's in his dream job. I know "it gets better" is a cliche that never seems helpful to someone your age, but you need to believe that it can. And it will definitely get better without your awful family holding you back.

Original poster

user5068 · 12/02/2024 11:56

gannett · 12/02/2024 11:52

Oh sweetheart. I met one of my best friends at university, and so much of what you're going through is the same as what he went through. I'm sad that there are still parents putting their kids through this shit.

You're not unreasonable to have no contact as the goal. My friend eventually went NC with his family when he was in his late 20s and only regretted he hadn't done it sooner - they never changed, they never made amends and every year he held out hope just caused him more grief.

You're in a really good position financially. I don't know if it's sufficient to enable you to move out of the family home completely, so you need to have a really solid plan of action for that before cutting ties. It's OK to bide your time until you're sure you can be independent.

But going NC will improve your life and your mental health immeasurably. You don't deserve to have to deal with this continual homophobic abuse and violence.

My friend has been with his boyfriend for 7 years now, they own a house together and he's in his dream job. I know "it gets better" is a cliche that never seems helpful to someone your age, but you need to believe that it can. And it will definitely get better without your awful family holding you back.

It is mainly the homophobia that gets me and the fact that my sister is also learning off of my dad. Even though she is young (12), I still think that she should know that it's wrong, especially as I have told her. I am in quite a good position financially and I might get a job in the summer and then reduce contact in the final year. I certainly don't want them coming to graduation!! Thank you for understanding me.

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gannett · 12/02/2024 12:18

The other thing I would say is that it might be tempting to keep your head down and stay in, but don't be afraid of making friends, especially with other LGBT people and others who have difficult relationships with their families. That community will be there for you in a way your parents and sister have not been. I'm a strong believer in the "chosen family" - the friends who will show you the love and loyalty you deserve.

Original poster

user5068 · 12/02/2024 12:19

gannett · 12/02/2024 12:18

The other thing I would say is that it might be tempting to keep your head down and stay in, but don't be afraid of making friends, especially with other LGBT people and others who have difficult relationships with their families. That community will be there for you in a way your parents and sister have not been. I'm a strong believer in the "chosen family" - the friends who will show you the love and loyalty you deserve.

That is very true! Thank you

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