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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've been had with my pants down

27 replies

bctf123 · 12/02/2024 07:55

I'm in Asia and this old woman comes begging. I'm Asian too so generally fit in but she could obviously tell I was not local

I give her about 5p+ the average donation round here. She contests that you can't buy anything for that(you can actually get something filling for 12)

I had nothing moderately more

Then she asks for 100p and because I was reluctant asks for me to buy her food instead. She chose a moderately good place and it cost me 200p which is more than I spend on myself.

I'm now starting to think of she was genuine shed have cooked something at home...lesson learnt?
Wwyd
Most of us Britons work hard for our money and people take the p sometimes abroad including those assuming were minted when someone like me works 80hr weeks and lives in shared housing

OP posts:
MissusKay · 12/02/2024 07:56

Really? Ok

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 12/02/2024 07:58

How have you been ‘had’? (Not sure where pants being up or down come into it, tbh)

She was asking for money and you chose to give it to her. It’s on you if you choose to enter into lengthy negotiations about it - most of us give what we can afford and then move on!

gamerchick · 12/02/2024 08:01

She was assertive in getting fed. You'll be ready to say no next time if you felt bullied over it.

theeyeshaveit82 · 12/02/2024 08:02

I think you’d benefit from some support OP

Mumof2teens79 · 12/02/2024 08:02

An 80hr week?

cryinglaughing · 12/02/2024 08:04

My Asian friend never goes out without her local family when she visits. Non local Asian's apparently stick out like sore thumbs and are targeted.

GreyhpundGirl · 12/02/2024 08:19

I don't think it matters whether you're in Asia or in the UK. You chose to give this money/ food. You could have said no if you didn't want to 🤷

SgtJuneAckland · 12/02/2024 08:24

£2 is still nothing to you though compared to the difference between her being fed or not

GoodLordHelpMe · 12/02/2024 08:27

My user name is apt here! You haven't been had. Someone asked you for something, you said no and offered what you could give, they asked for something else and you said yes. I've lived in Asia extensively as a white woman and sure I'm obviously not local, I've never been "had". (In fact I'm famous for my haggling skills...)

Original poster
bctf123 · 12/02/2024 09:00

Good to hear people's views. I haven't been had then. I guess I'm just a soft touch. Yes I should have been assertive and given what I could

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 12/02/2024 09:13

Try to feel glad that you helped someone who needed it. She was only able to 'exploit' your kindess because you let her.

Get better at saying no if you resent being pushed beyond your boundaries. Remind yourself how easily you could spend 200p in Britain.

Original poster
bctf123 · 12/02/2024 09:13

Mumof2teens79 · 12/02/2024 08:02

An 80hr week?

Yes my job pays close to nmw so I've been doing weekends elsewhere and a evening driving job. Otherwise my wage doesn't allow me to save anything or even afford my own rented place

OP posts:
LauderSyme · 12/02/2024 09:23

It sounds like you are in a tough financial situation OP, and being treated like money is no object for you has obviously touched a sore spot because it's not the case.

I usually say "comparison is the thief of joy" but in this case it's worth remembering that, however badly off you are by UK standards, internationally you are in the wealthiest top 5%.

It's great that the old lady has a full tummy. I'm sure that's not always true for her, and being hungry is miserable.

Ariela · 12/02/2024 10:18

I disagree, she was clearly hungry and not wanting cash to spend on drugs instead, so buying her food was OK.
There is a local lady does the local towns, I got caught by her asking for cash to help her buy a tent - so I said lets' go to the camping shop (1 minute walk away) and I'll buy you a whole tent - but that led her to change her story to wanting cash for a train ticket to the next town where she could get accommodation, however she didn't want me to go with her and buy her ticket...

Dacadactyl · 12/02/2024 10:21

She may not have had food to cook at home.

You are well off by her standards (able to travel, for instance)

Think no more about it.

Original poster
bctf123 · 12/02/2024 11:52

Yes you are right. Thank you @Dacadactyl

OP posts:
Original poster
bctf123 · 12/02/2024 12:04

LauderSyme · 12/02/2024 09:23

It sounds like you are in a tough financial situation OP, and being treated like money is no object for you has obviously touched a sore spot because it's not the case.

I usually say "comparison is the thief of joy" but in this case it's worth remembering that, however badly off you are by UK standards, internationally you are in the wealthiest top 5%.

It's great that the old lady has a full tummy. I'm sure that's not always true for her, and being hungry is miserable.

I have financially struggled a lot upto my 30s
I lived for years on a 50p pack of digestives and tea for lunch at work so sometimes I struggle to understand why people beg for more when it's more than we spend on ourselves

I'm better now but I had to literally do 3 jobs making up 80 hours for a over a year to get to this point and even in the UK I will only now treat myself to a takeaway that costs £3 most weeks.

I've actually given up all my jobs to take a mental break for several months and our money only goes so far as well in major cities here

We British born are normally charitable but we don't like to feel like someone took advantage. I've definitely overthought this and hit a nerve like that but ty for your post. It helps when people validate your feelings while helping you work through what is a reasonable way of thinking about it

OP posts:
penjil · 12/02/2024 13:27

Try and look at it in a Christian way. You've done a kind thing. You've helped another person.

If you feel like you've been taken advantage of, you haven't. That's her problem if she's taking advantage of people, not yours.

You helped out someone in need, and actually helped them more than would've been expected. So you went the extra mile, that's great!. All credit to you.
No need to over analyse it.

StephanieLampshade · 12/02/2024 13:29

And how many p did your flight cost? And your hotel? And the phone you carry?

You could easily afford it yet you resent it.

You are selfish.

Cancelledcurio · 12/02/2024 13:32

You helped an old lady who has to beg for her dinner . What a hardship you have suffered . Maybe get some counselling OP.

Veronicaisaflower · 12/02/2024 13:37

No matter how hard your life is in the UK, you're on holiday now - focus on enjoying yourself and let this go.

theeyeshaveit82 · 12/02/2024 16:00

I've actually given up all my jobs to take a mental break for several months and our money only goes so far as well in major cities here

So… how are you living?

theeyeshaveit82 · 12/02/2024 16:02

Yes my job pays close to nmw so I've been doing weekends elsewhere and an evening driving job. Otherwise my wage doesn't allow me to save anything or even afford my own rented place

vs

I've actually given up all my jobs to take a mental break for several months and our money only goes so far as well in major cities here

🤔

Original poster
bctf123 · 13/02/2024 08:52

StephanieLampshade · 12/02/2024 13:29

And how many p did your flight cost? And your hotel? And the phone you carry?

You could easily afford it yet you resent it.

You are selfish.

Edited

Up yours an all. You don't know anything about me

OP posts:
theeyeshaveit82 · 13/02/2024 08:53

bctf123 · 13/02/2024 08:52

Up yours an all. You don't know anything about me

Show quote history

“up yours”

not heard that since secondary school in the nineties 😂