To want some emotional support from parents

[Taylorwonthesuperbowl]

I’ve been having a difficult time recently - leaving an emotionally abusive relationship, divorce, problems at work, issues with DD’s behaviour (she has SEN). I think I’m burnt out.

My parents visited at the weekend and looked after the kids for a couple of hours so I could do some work, which I really appreciate.

What has got to me though is the lack of any emotional support. When I tried to talk about how I was struggling, I was told that everyone has difficulties. My mum started to cry. I apologised and she just said it’s fine then walked off. They spent the rest of the day wandering round the house looking sad and not really speaking.

Now I just feel bad that I have upset them. I appreciate I was probably really annoying, but all I want is a bit of validation and emotional support. Maybe being told they are proud of me and I can get through this. Maybe a hug (although I can’t remember ever having a hug from them).

It’s probably me BU as I’m not in the best place and I know I’m lucky to have the practical support, but I feel so sad (and now guilty for upsetting my mum). Basically I feel like a burden to them. They behave so differently to how I would if DD was in my position.

AIBU to have wanted some emotional support?

Hopeful bump

Of course YANBU.

are they struggling themselves? It may be that they can't provide it due to their own problems.

My mum is like this. She's absolutely amazing with practical support & I'm so grateful for that but anything emotional just passes her by. She will try to change the subject or just say something really random & unrelated. She has some health problems now & I think she just wants an easy life & can't deal with other people's problems. My dad is better at this kind of thing but can get quite emotional & I hate seeing him upset so don't really talk to him about stuff. He also drives me crazy trying to see things from other people's point of view when sometimes I just want him to be on my side!
Like you said I'm sure I'm different with my own DC.

Thanks for the replies. I appreciate it.

Have they ever provided emotional support in the past? The fact you've never so much as had a hug, suggests not.

YANBU to wish that you had parents who would support you but YABU to expect the actual parents that you do have to do this.

Of course you’re not unreasonable but have they offered emotional support in the past ? If they haven’t then you are unreasonable to expect them to change a habit of a lifetime but I mean that criticism lightly.

YANBU but maybe they’re worn out emotionally?

I have 3 adult kids who’ve had their share of issues and sometimes I don’t have the capacity to take one more thing on board. I just don’t.

It sounds like it is not who they are, not what they are good at. Parents are not all perfect human beings.

I still hear nearly 20 years later how hard it was for my mum when I had depression at 18. I hear about how hard it was for her whilst I doing my degree involving working 70+h a week and she "couldn't phone me" she phoned every morning at 10am to ask what I was doing every day to be told "working, you know like every other day" I worked 26 out of 28 days during the most intense 2 years of the course. I never ever get any conversation about how hard it might have been for me to be 18 and experiencing severe depression and wanting to die or to be doing a super intense course with no respite and a bully for a supervisor.

I have learnt the hard way. My mum is not the person I go to for emotional support and I have been fulfilling a mothering role to her since I was 8.

I have lots of other wonderful people in my life that can do the emotional stuff. It makes me sad that my mum can't do the warm and fussy with me especially as she can for at least one of my other sisters.

Thanks for all this. You are absolutely right that I can’t expect them to change. I guess I need to look for other sources of emotional support, but it’s difficult post-divorce and I don’t want to burden anyone.

Yes me too.
As you get older you don’t just get more physically frail but also more mentally frail. By that I mean you can’t cope with problems in the same way you did 20 years ago.
There’s also the fact that we are encouraged to talk about things more aka pass your problems on; rather than just grit your teeth and accept that sometimes life is shit.