AIBU - Stopped Saying Yes to Social Events (TW Alcohol)

[grimreefer]

From 17-20 I was a complete party animal with a high tolerance. I was a full-time student and worked hospitality. Fast forward to the pandemic and I rarely consumed any alcohol during the pandemic and I can count on one hand the amount of times that I got drunk. Ever since then, my tolerance is not only really low but I vomit after drinking regardless of what I drink.

I am now 24 and went out a total of six times during 2023. If I didn’t black out, I was projective vomitting at all hours. I can’t even explain the fear I have had and the anxiety it has caused the following day because I haven’t been able to remember. To this day I feel like so many people hate because of it or that I’ve ruined relationships because of it. Friends of mine were shocked by this and would say that I didn’t drank enough to black out but my tolerance isn’t the same as what it was, and I know myself that once I have the “taste” I find it hard to stop drinking and then when I’m aware I’m edging on to stage too drunk I just don’t stop.

I’ve decided to stop drinking alcohol and I’m a month in. Honestly I don’t find it difficult because I never had or have any desires to go out and I never crave a drink. My problem is that when I do drink I just don’t know when to stop and I end up blacking out. However I am struggling because it’s put into perspective how many of my friends are just “going out” friends and now that I’m unavailable or won’t entertain the idea of a “quiet pint” or night out, they’ve stopped reaching out or including me in their plans, and don’t want to do any coffee or lunch dates. They’re still in their going out and ending up in someone’s kitchen era.

As I’m only a month in, I am rejecting any social outings where there’s alcohol and no guaranteed home time because I don’t fully trust myself enough to not give in or be tempted to have a drink. It’s a bit awkward trying to come up with excuses as to why I can’t go to things but I’m afraid to be honest with people. My parents have been incredibly supportive of my decision and agreed that it’s probably for the best. It’s a hard situation because I feel like I’m very young and don’t go out enough to say “hey, I have a drinking problem” when it’s a given that I do.

It’s so hard trying to navigate it because of my age group and location (sobriety isn’t trending here).

AIBU? I know I’m losing friends by taking this approach but I know longterm I will benefit from it. It’s not forever either just until I am confident that I won’t drink where I am around alcohol.

I just feel lost. I don’t really know where to go for support because I don’t have it from my friends, they are the devils advocate.

I’m a lot older than you, but went through this in my late 20s and haven’t had a drink since. Was the right choice, and after a year or so it got easier. I just pushed back when people said I wasn’t drinking, sometimes lied and said I was on antibiotics etc, whatever it took. It may be there’s more pressure now, but do what’s right for you.

You’re doing the right thing. Would they meet for coffee? Or go to the cinema- something not focused around booze?

I’ve mainly cut out drinking at home but I’m also struggling when out socialising. I do just want to have 1 or 2 and go home. I don’t end up vomiting or blacking out but I do drink enough to feel awful the next day and then in so cross with myself.

For now I’m trying to steer my friends towards meeting in the day. I’ve also joined a running club so I can socialise in a non alcohol based way!

The goal is to eventually be able to go out and have nothing or just one.

I am older than you and in my late 40s quite a few of my friends are finding they can’t drink anymore! Perimenopause is a bugger. So a bit easier to give up.

I’m in a similar situation but older than you. I can go out and have just a few drinks (not ‘drunk’) and I’ll be sat on the toilet whilst vomming in the sink for hours the next day. I literally feel at deaths door. Other times I can drink loads and feel fine.

Ive gone very little to no alcohol for the past 6 months really. When I go out I opt for non alcoholic gins/cocktails which are presented the same. I don’t mention it to friends (although they’d be supportive) and avoid ‘rounds’ by saying I’m not sure how much I’m drinking tonight. If you don’t have ‘one’ you won’t have any.

If I know im going to a social event in somebody’s house I choose a reduced alcohol wine (4/5%), it’s not overly obvious on the bottle,

I don’t lie if somebody asks me, I just don’t shout about it. I also still get a taxi home so I don’t end up taking every Tom dick and harry home!

I either drink or not but if I do it is 2 drinks only

Well done on recognising that you need to make this change, you’re young, if the people you know right now turn out to have been ‘party friends’ then in time you’ll meet a new crowd who don’t want to plan everything about booze.

Can you start some new hobbies to keep yourself busy? You’re doing the right thing, stick with it.

Well done on sticking to your guns, OP. I think there are a lot of people in your situation - don't drink because it just doesn't work for them.

I'm sorry that some of your friends are drifting. It will take some time to develop new activities / groups, so keep at it!

It sounds like a good change for you so don't feel pressured into starting to drink again. Have a look on meet up to find new groups of people to hang out with, maybe there's a board game club or a book club or something you can use to meet others

God, I wish I had had your sense at your age! I spent almost another 25 years being the stupid drinking-too-much friend, before I finally managed to kick it completely last year.
You're doing great, and you'll find your tribe at some stage, but for now, I think you're totally right to curtail the going-out nights until you're more secure in your sobriety.
You're working towards a much brighter future for yourself, so keep going!

One of my friends recently moved home and I haven’t seen her once because everything that she wants to do is booze focused. I have suggested coffee dates, cinema dates, but either the plans are too early (1pm onward) or they can’t justify paying for the cinema when they can watch the movies online.

I have started meeting up with one of my childhood friends more. I feel like she’s the only friend I actually meet up with now unless I call into another friends place of work for a quick chat here and there.

My best friend lives a three hour commute away and our next scheduled visit is in April. We are suppose to be going to a rave style type of gig (their energy is electric) so seeing how I get on over the next couple of weeks, this may be my first “sober” social outing where I won’t intake in any alcohol.

I’m comfortable being by myself and being alone so I don’t necessarily feel lonely. I think apart of me is just struggling coming to terms with having X amount of friends to barely two/three reliables. I know it’s also apart of the aging and growing up process but it is tough!

I live in a relatively small town so unfortunately book clubs or board game clubs are very non-existent, but I might see if there’s even an online book club to join so thank you for that suggestion! There’s a gym opening up here end of the month I’ve signed up for so I’ll have that to occupy myself with going forward. I’m actually emigrating so I don’t feel any pressure to meet new people at home because I know I’ll be starting from scratch once I move.

First of all ... Well done. You've recognised a problem and are sorting it. Brilliant stuff

I am much older but I rarely drink on work nights out and other events and my old job used to be quite a booze focused events one. I've found the trick is to go and buy the first round when I arrive, I then establish what non alcoholic drinks are available. So I typically get a 0% gin and tonic (most bars these days have a 0% gin) but some places will have decent mocktails etc. This means first off people don't "notice" that you're not drinking because you're actually holding a drink like drink in your hand. Then I will drink this very slowly, so when people ask if I want another I'll say " still on this one" or ask for just a tonic to "top up" this drink.
Sometimes I say I'm alternating soft drinks.
You can do similar with 0% beers too. Also widely available and not horrible.

If it's dinner and wine then it's harder, you will have to just decline the wine and say you prefer beer and then just order the 0pc. FWIW I find that most people stop caring what you are drinking or not quite quickly and it stops being an issue, you just have to get over the initial hurdle.