To expect DS to sleep in own bed as well as co-sleeping

[Infinityandbeyondx]

DS is 3 yrs and 10 months old. We have breastfed, contact napped and co-slept and he is a very affectionate boy who likes lots of cuddles and physical contact. He no longer BFs or naps, but still co-sleeps. He will not fall asleep alone so husband or I will lay with him until he falls asleep. For the past 2 years he has gone to bed in his own room for at least 3-4 hours before waking and getting into our bed, which we were happy with and worked fine for us. However more recently he has started waking earlier and earlier wanting to get into our bed. Currently he is spending just 1 hour in his own bed before waking and wanting to get into ours. He doesn't even try to get back to sleep (have checked the camera in his room) when previously he would have done.

We do also have a DD (8 months old) who sleeps in our room so I know this is likely a factor. We keep putting DS back to bed consistently until 12am when we will then let him co-sleep but until then he will just continue waking and coming into the lounge/bedroom. If we put him into our bed but we're not there he will still wake and come into the lounge. Its now 11pm and we have put him back to bed 4 times since 8pm 😩

I am going to buy a sleep training clock and try to encourage him to stay in bed until the clock changes colour so he knows he can then get into our bed at 12am (then maybe gradually shift the time forwards) but I think he will just continue getting out of bed and need one of us to lie with him until he falls back asleep. I know he can put himself back to sleep because he used to do it all the time!

Any suggestions? Is there any way we can get him to sleep for longer in his own bed before coming into our room or do we need to just stop allowing the co-sleeping altogether? Ideally we'd prefer not to stop co-sleeping altogether as hes always slept with us and we don't want him to feel rejected knowing DD is in with us. Also on the odd occasion that he has slept through in his own bed he has woken around 5am and will not go back to sleep, whereas in our bed he will sleep through until after 7am.

gone to bed in his own room for at least 3-4 hours before waking and getting into our bed

My dd is the same age and does this.

We've found it actually gets worse if we try and stop her - then she comes in earlier the following night, or will stay awake in the night. When I welcome her and act extra pleased to see her, she's more unbothered about coming in too early and will even sometimes stay in her own bed till 6am (a great achievement for us).

Kids are contrarian aren't they... also if you make them feel they can't access you whenever they need, then they get even more anxious and clingy (imo).

Mumsnetters generally love sleep training so you'll get a lot of advice to do that. Mine is the opposite lol. "Hi hi ds! You've come in for a cuddle, lucky me! Come here you" ...it really works for my dd anyway

Love this advice, hadn't thought of it that way but I think you could have a point! Come to think of it he has actually got worse since we started making a big deal out of it more recently. Will give this a try instead thank you!
Defo dont want to sleep train, to be honest we love having him in bed with us, just don't want to be having to go to bed at 9.30pm ourselves to accommodate him!

Good luck! Hope it works! And even if it doesn't, at least it wasn't a stressful thing to try haha

Buy a Superking 🤣. Ours kept coming in part way through the night 5-6 nights a week until he was 7-8. Got to the stage he would sneak in without even waking us!

Try the Supernanny method?
Return him to his room gently but silently (be prepared to spend a few nights doing this until the child gets the message that there is no gratification for him in getting up).

Or do you want to end up sharing your bed with your children for an indeterminate length of time?

I know a family where everybody is chronically sleep deprived, tired and running on fumes and caffeine, and everyone gets every cold and sniffle that does the rounds because they never tried establishing healthy sleep for all. The children are 10, 7, and 5. Luckily the parents' bed is big enough to accommodate them all.
But it's a crazy situation.

Well you set yourself up for this didn't you? I never had this problem because my kids never slept in the same room as us. Very rarely if they were poorly they would come in, but bed was always their own room - we weren't strict, never let them cry, but we were consistent.
Eventually your child will stop. Until then, just do what you feel you can. But stopping at midnight means he knows that eventually you will give in.

As I said above we're happy to continue co-sleeping for as long as DS wants to, we all sleep much better together and are well rested. It's only natural for young children to want to be close to their parent. I slept with my mum as a child and happily transitioned into my own bed when I was ready knowing she was in the next room if I needed her.

Odd comment regarding colds, all my son wants to do is cuddle when hes unwell so its inevitable that we will probably catch eachothers germs anyway!

I don't feel that cuddling my children to sleep at night is 'unhealthy' and I'm sure when they're older and more independent its not a choice I will regret.

As I said above we're happy to continue co-sleeping for as long as DS wants to, we all sleep much better together and are well rested. It's only natural for young children to want to be close to their parent. I slept with my mum as a child and happily transitioned into my own bed when I was ready knowing she was in the next room if I needed her.

Each to their own, personally I love I cuddling my children to sleep at night and I'm sure when they're older and more independent its not a choice I will regret.

It sounds like you are happy to keep co-sleeping, so I'm not sure what the issue is that you want to fix.

As in, what is your ideal outcome here? If it's "DS stays in his bed for slightly longer before coming into ours" then I'm not sure this is a hill to die on. It sounds like he currently falls asleep in his bed, wakes up and comes into yours. You're fine with this, except you think he should...only do this after midnight?

You say that you are happy with the co-sleeping, like the cuddles, don't want him to feel pushed out by the new arrival, etc. I think arbitrary rules like "you can only come into our bed past midnight" will be confusing for him, and also, a bit pointless. Why, what happens after midnight? Bed magically bigger?

I would say just roll with the new situation, it's probably just a reaction to the new arrival, and the cure seems to be crueler than the disease IMO.

How is a child expected to understand that he can sleep in his parents bed- but only after 12?

I don't think you can have it both ways. Put him to bed in your bed and tell him you will be up soon if you are happy to co sleep.

But you aren't happy. So will have to do some sort of sleep training

The thing is that you ARE sleep training him: you are training him to only sleep with you. So of course he's coming downstairs when he wakes, because you've taught him that he needs you to sleep.

So I'm not sure how you fix this without changing your overall approach to sleeping as a family. He's actually not doing anything wrong, it's just that it's irritating having small children wandering around downstairs when they should be sleeping.

For 2 years he stayed in his own bed for a few hours before joining us, now he only stays in his room for 1 hour. Happy to continue with previous situation i.e. co-sleeping after we have already gone to bed ourselves, not before we are ready for bed ourselves. I know the new arrival has affected him so wanting advice on how to revert to our original setup.

Ah, I see - the problem isn't just that he wants to sleep in your bed, it's that he only wants to do it if you are there as well, so he's demanding that you all go to bed earlier than you want to in order to facilitate this.

I now understand what the gro-clock is for - it lets him know that you will be in bed by then so he can come through.

Sorry, I hadn't quite grasped what you were asking for help with, my apologies.

Is he trying to make sure DD doesn't have more time with you than him?

Can you put him to bed in your bed, then DD to bed with him, then all join them when you're ready for bed? if that makes any sense?? then one parent can sneak out and have a bed all to themselves for some real sleep 😆

but I agree with Porcupine - best way to get kids to do what you want is reverse psychology - for everything! filling them up with so many cuddles they're like muuum stop smothering meeeeee!