Trigger warning - death related! AIBU to not be sure I’m strong enough to deal with life?

[SomeoneSweet]

I’m not suicidal or anything like that, but I’m struggling with life and knowing what’s to come.

I have a husband and two children and life is for the most part, pretty good.

I had a difficult childhood due to my mum being emotionally abusive. My dad is wonderful though, but they are still married and so I don’t get to have the relationship with my dad that I would like to, because he is in an abusive relationship and is very much a victim. I have to minimise contact to protect myself and my kids.

Im just feeling worried about the inevitability of death. I know that sounds so extreme, but my dad is 70 now and I want time with him that I know I can’t have and it hurts so much to know that one day he won’t be here and that my kids don’t get to spend these precious years with him.

Also, when I think more deeply about it, I’m not even sure I’m strong enough to deal with any of the losses that I will experience in life. For instance, my siblings, my dad etc. Knowing life will end this way for us all is actually causing me pain in the present moment. It’s hurting me to think about saying goodbye to all the ones I love, my children included as and when it’s my time to go.

I have actually found a lump in my breast and have been having pain and so I need to see the GP for this. I have lumpy boobs anyway, so I’m really hoping this is nothing, but it’s definitely different to normal. I think this is triggering all of my worries, but to be honest, I’ve had these feelings on and off for years.

Do other people feel this way? If so, how do you deal with these feelings?

thanks.

It really hurts.

And you wonder how you do it.

But you do. Because you just do.

Try not to worry about these things and enjoy them being here.

My dad didn't even make it to 70 😢

Future bereavements are very hard to think about, and particularly when it is a close relative who you can't have the relationship that you would like to have with.

I can understand the sadness you feel, I knew that I would miss my Dad desperately when he died, and I'd known that from being very young.

Although I was fortunate to have less struggles that you have, I knew that I would always want more time with him, because he was absolutely ace. I always made sure to remember the good times, and I've actually felt much better since he died that I imagined I would.

The only thing you can do is make the most you possibly can of the situation that you are in, and treasure the time and interaction that you do get. The bad circumstances are not your fault, they are what they are.

Life is fleeting, but full of tiny joyous moments in amongst the day to day struggles. We can only work within the circumstances that we find ourselves in, but make the most of it! There will always be pain, but there will always be joy.

Do see your doctor about your lump and put your mind at rest.

You'll cope because you will. My husband lost his mum when he was a kid, then his dad unexpectedly a year ago. My mum died 10 years ago. It's massively unfair but you go through the grieving process and come out the other side.

I'm currently in hospital after being diagnosed with a serious heart problem having never had a health issue before (I'm in my 40s, all the other people on the ward are elderly) I have a small child and you naturally worry about your own mortality.

But I've got so much to enjoy in life so I have to focus on that. It is hard and I'm likely to want counselling when I get out to process properly what's happened to me, and also get my affairs in order so my daughter is taken care of if the worst should happen. Then I'll get on with appreciating life in a different, more full way.