To feel my face doesn’t fit?

[Logically4]

I’m 27 and earn £45k.I get mistaken as being younger than I am a lot. I am really short too.

I’m finding work stressful as it’s a new job, and people have been quite rude & patronising to me, even though I know my area well/have the relevant qualifications. I have delivered the same message as an older/male counterpart, but some wider colleagues don’t buy into me as much. So I do all the legwork, others get all the credit and present my work/use my resources. I think it is a case that my face doesn’t fit. Or that I need to really improve my delivery/stage presence (how?)

Anyway as I’m so caught up in work, I find it hard to find time to be social. So I also don’t have anyone I’m dating or really any options there. I’m fairly independent, and have a bit of a “striking” look as opposed to conventionally attractive.

So there is a bit of a mismatch between what I look like, and what people assume I’ve achieved or what my life is like if that makes sense. I guess overall I just feel like my face doesn’t fit anywhere. aibu? Not sure if I’m conflating things that aren’t linked, but just feeling a bit unhappy with life

Well I'ma little older than you and very short but you make more than me. I am finding a similar problem though that I can't progress despite being more experienced and knowledgeable than my colleagues. I thought it was more to do with me lacking confidence and being humble than my height though

I think that being in a room full of men in their 40s, that I stick out like a sore thumb! It’s definitely not that my differences are celebrated - I’ve had comments from people at work about being short! I guess I could work on confidence/delivery though but I’d need some direction in that. Eg I know my work very well, but I’ll still face a barrage of questions that my colleagues may not get as people tend to accept what they say the first time. People tend to “double check” with me.

Sounds like you need better colleagues who don’t comment on your height etc!

I sympathise—things that have helped others in your shoes are assertiveness and acting classes. Helps with stance, voice projection, avoidance of weak language etc. Should not be necessary as we should all be judged on our inner merit, but sadly it often is.

lol a new job would be great but equally I’d love to master assertiveness in this role

Thank you. What would you say is weak language?

it’s hard as sometimes I could be too nice, other times I might be too direct. It’s hard when your own line manager gives no support or direction

It’s because you are young short & female. And they are pricks. Hold your head high & carry yourself with confidence.

People like to assume new people they meet are less experienced and often younger so that they can treat them with less respect. Add misogyny into the equation as well . It's probably less personal than you think it is .

Personal presence classes would help. I agree about weak language, I hear it a lot from young women in particular and try to draw their attention to it privately. Avoid passive voice "they were going to make A" as well as other types of hesitancy "X might be because of Y problem", "is it possible that", "could you consider". Use active and determined language "They made Y", "X is caused by Y", "I recommend B". By all means add info about why, but start firmly.

If you aren't progressing in your industry or company, then also consider a change. No need to make your own life unnecessarily hard, lots of companies want intelligent staff.

Google ‘superstar communicator” she has loads of great advice exactly on this sort of thing.

Definitely get some videos on assertiveness and voice projection/pitch. Practice and have some confidence in yourself- you’re clearly very able and now you just need to believe that and project it.

This. I'd suggest reading some blogs/books about being a woman at work. "The Authority Gap" by Mary Ann Sieghert is a great place to start. It's them, not you

I'd recommend reading Nice Girls don't get the corner office.

Or this: https://www.self.com/story/workplace-sexism-email-signature-swap

I was in a similar situation age 24-26. My colleagues actually adjusted quite quickly. Naturally I'm shy but at work I'm more assertive but also approachable. Sometimes they admire your work but if you don't stand up for yourself when necessary, they can get into the habit of the behaviour you've already described.

I found quietly disagreeing seemed to work for me.

The difficult colleagues after a while were great. It was often clients or customers who second guessed me perhaps based on my appearance. But again that changed when they saw older colleagues interacting with me in the way that they should.

It sounds awful that you feel you are being discriminated against for your appearance. This is bang out of order. Making comments about you being short? It sounds like if you have HR function you need to let them know people are saying remarks about your appearance. People should be judged on their character, abilities and attitudes. If someone was saying things like that I would take it as ableist. (I'm disabled, but that's not the point, no-one should make people feel that way)
Do you really need this particular job? I'd be on the hunt for something else with less rude/ sexist/ appearance obsessed colleagues.

I second this have a look at the superstar communicator website.

I am younger than you, very short and have been referred to as cute. I have to show I.d in the shops so I really know what your going through.

I stand by you shouldn't have to change yourself in life but in work I had to. I keep my nails manicured to the natural look, my eyebrows are done professionally, I avoid fake eye lashes, tan and any make up with a sheen or glittery look such has Matt powder, Matt blush etc no glitter or shine. I avoid flowery patterns on my clothes and go for block colours and trouser suits with a nice watch and my hair is sometimes down but generally in a bun or pony so I'm not hiding behind my hair. I walk strongly on purpose and with purpose. When I walk into a meeting I don't subtly walk in I am loud I greet everyone with eye contact and often put my hand out first for a handshake and I shake their hand hard. I use strong language not 'ifs' or 'maybes' or ' this could be a good idea' I point blank make strong statements. I'm vocal and question others on presentations and make my self known. Even silly things like what does the majority want for lunch at meetings I am vocal. I'm dying on the inside but I refuse to show any weakness. I promise you I feel I have imposter syndrome but I don't believe anyone in my workplace or those I have meetings with would believe I felt that way as I don't give them an inch to doubt me. Also sounds very odd but I have quite a high pitched voice naturally but I seem to have lowered it a bit in the workplace and that seems to help make me be taken more seriously

Good advice on here re what is weak language and I would add, don’t do that thing where the tone of your voice goes up at the end of sentences— sounds like you are a little girl/asking a question/unsure of yourself rather than an adult making a statement.

Don’t fall into the trap of being helpful like making people a cup of tea, taking the notes etc.

Also follow Viv frisk op and Amy cuddy both good on body language and power