To wonder what my parent’s marriage and my awful upbringing was all for

[acod]

All of the on and off again separations
The women he was cheating with, coming to our door and taunting my mum
the tears
the angry silences
the domestic abuse
them using me as a counsellor and a go between once I was older

They pulled it all back and things were calm for the past 10 years but they have just announced they are divorcing. i knew they should have done it much earlier. I used to pray they would split up. But now I have had a taste of normality I am so sad

i know people will tell me I am an adult and to get a grip but I am so utterly traumatised by what I was put through as a child and I thought finally had my family. Me and my mum and dad. A normal family.

i won’t have so much help with my children any more because my mum is nervous to have my DC alone. I will sort things out and make it work, but if not this could mean I have to change long established plans and shifts and I might end up losing my job

They won’t be in the same room any more and christmases will look so different. My daughter knows them as granny and grandad and it will break her heart too. We already have my in laws overseas so are pulled in so many directions already.

i just planned my life as a wider family. I feel stupid. I knew I couldn’t rely on them. I never have been able to

why did they do this. Why did they put me through all that

it would have been so much kinder to do this when I was 5 rather than 35.

please don’t stay together for the kids :(

they are already Trying to offload onto me and I have set a clear boundary and I am opting out from their fuckpie. I want nothing to do with it. But I am so so sad.

sorry to ramble. I needed to write this.

It sounds like your poor mum has been domestically abused for years. It's possible that he threatened her/financially abused her or put her in fear for her life and for your safety. Perhaps he threatened to take you away from her.

Maybe now you are an adult she finally feels able to get out from under his thumb.

I'm sorry you're upset that your idyllic family future is at risk and it's probably a good idea to seek some therapy for how you feel, but your mum is allowed a life too and it sounds like she's finally able to get free of him.

I could have written your post 10 years ago. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

Definitely set boundaries. It will send you mad if you don't. Focus on your family.

And be prepared to accept counselling if you want it. I am about to start my third bout but that's one parent is not a particularly nice person and I am dealing with that. If I had a my time again I should have moved away when I had the chance.

Remember their divorce is not your issue to fix.

my mum is nervous to have my DC alone

Once your mum is finally free of this abusive relationship you may find she blossoms in self confidence and ability and your own relationship with her may become even better.

I didn’t want to go into specifics but just in case this thread is going to take that turn- he has been cheating he has left her for this woman and she is devastated.

they were both domestically abusive to each other and never hid this from me but as I said there has been about 10 years or so of calm. I do know this ‘for sure’

i know she is better off without him

what a waste of a life that it took so long

I wish it had been twenty years earlier

I really think seeking therapy to work through your anger is important.

She has OCD and she has compulsive thoughts around home invasions and people breaking into the house. It was worse when my DC were there as she would worry about them. My dad was a protector in this instance and made her feel safe.

home invasions are common in her home country

Them having my DC involved overnights due to my
job when it clashed with my husband’s deployment

she will need therapy and medication, not a ‘you go girlfriend!’ post-divorce glow-up.

i won’t put her through that. I will have to work it out

I'm very sorry that you're having to go through this. With the benefit of hindsight, all problems are easy to solve. Your parents tried, mostly your mum, and eventually called it quits.

It's wrong that your parents are coming to you for emotional support, and it's great you have put up boundaries.

But just as important, it's nice to remember that parents are not infallible, something your children will find out soon enough. Maybe if you tried looking at the situation from your (at the very least) mum's point of view, you will feel a bit more compassion for her. Rather than focusing on the inconvenience the divorce will bring to your day-to-day childcare and Christmas idyllic plans.

Thank you for your kind post

My mum is desperately sad about the ‘idyllic plans’ not happening any more AND not being able to have my DC for sleepovers

she is the one that was left and she is very sad about how life has changed

It sounds like you're harbouring a lot of resentment that goes an awful lot deeper than just their toxic relationship. Living with someone with OCD is hard and it sounds like you had to shoulder a lot of the fall out.

If that's the case then this break up is doubly unsettling as it sounds as though you feel you might have to bear the brunt of her health care?

Do you have siblings to share the load with you?