To think women seek friendships with men less with age?

[AHedgeOrABush]

Sorry if this is blindingly obvious. And clearly it's a bit sexist. But...

I've just been reflecting on the proportion of my platonic friends who are men/women over time. In my teens and 20s, I had loads of male friends. Since my 30s, the proportion of males has gradually diminished in my friendships, and I think the same is true for most of my female friends. I still do have some old male friends, and value them. But... on the whole, they're just less reliable, usually less nuanced and more context-specific friendships. And of course (I think this is typical pattern) a few friendships went by the wayside over time when it became apparent there had been a partially sexual motive which was never going to be fulfilled (and I aged - so their interest waned). Others stopped wanting to be in touch much once they got married/into long term partnerships.

I've realised that I don't really pursue new friendships with men now - only women.

Just wondered - AIBU to think this is the general rule?

I think its a societal issue, very much based off the assumption men and women can't just be friends.

So you have held on to whichever old male friends are in relationships where they are allowed to continue by their partners, and your partner is comfortable with them.

Now it's too much trouble to find a friend of the opposite sex as most DW(esp)/DH find problems with the relationship. Just look at all the threads on here about husbands having old female friends and how they aren't welcome any more. Or work friends they are suspicious of.

I have a lot of male friendships, some as always lost to wives who don't understand decade's old platonic relationships. But my oldest friends are male. If DH had an issue with this I wouldn't have married him.

I dont work outside the house so don't meet as many people now as DH. But he very much has a work wife. And she is hilarious and she and her husband socialise with us regularly.

Interesting @LeopardsRockingham . TBH I don't think it's based on that assumption for me. I think it's just that friendships with men aren't really as good any more - and, unfashionable as that may be - I think it might be that I want things out of friendships which men are just less likely to be able to offer. Perhaps it's the same the other way round (men preferring men over time for similar reasons). And (again unpopularly) I think it's at least partly innate.

You aged but they aged too? Doubt it's that.
But yes I am the same, most of the men I was friends with have families now, and when you're in your 20s everyone seeks more social connections etc
I have a few close male friends but definitely seek women out more now. As I get older I have so much care and love for my fellow woman, and see men in a more negative light generally. Love the men in my family and close friends, and have banter with male acquaintances etc, but generally see them in a lesser light.

Men generally bore me to be honest, I haven't got the time or energy to spend on most of them. And so many of them are shit husbands, partners, fathers. I judge that hard and wouldn't be friends with someone like that.

I have far fewer male friends now.

I lack the patience for their bullshit now I'm older. I had a lot more tolerance for it when I was young and stupid.

Yes I think this is true.

A lot of men are pretty crap friends tbh. My husband is envious of my various groups of supportive women friends. But I have nurtured them, and given as much support to them as they have given to me.

He hasn't kept in touch with any of his own male friends so just has one group he occasionally sees who are really the dregs of a mixed friendship group we used to socialise as a couple with. Many of the couples have divorced, the women have moved on, there are several single men who spend most of their time in the pub now. They're a pretty unsupportive group of men tbh.

I had many male friends in my youth, I like the company of men. Just not sure they are as interested in the company of women sadly for me. They all turned out to be fairly indifferent friends and have fallen by the wayside. This Virginia Wolf quote always spoke to me about my desire for friendship with men.

This is definitely true in my case. I'm late thirties and don't have any male friends that I would see one to one. I do consider friends' husbands/DH's friends/the husbands of couples we are friends with to be friends of course, but I wouldn't socialise with them alone in the same way I would with female friends. It's not deliberate, it's just the way things have worked out for me.

Haha @CampervanKween - yes, there's definitely just less fascination, interest and need now to have as much interest in men.

I'm trying very hard not to man bash, as I really do have some excellent men in my life (including my amazing son, brilliant DH, incredible dad, as well as a couple of good old male friends). I just don't pursue them any more, whereas I'm still really interested in new potential friendships with women I encounter.

I have to admit to sometimes doing the reverse of the old stereotype - when a man states an opinion on certain topics, I quite often think (and sometimes say) "and what does your wife think?"

The reverse of this thread would sound pretty terrible, wouldn't it? But it's Mumsnet, so we're allowed 😄

Love that!

I just see many men as sleazy prey seekers. How they look at me ominously. I'm out and about a lot for my job and the amount of men in their 50s/60s who come on to me is disgusting! I make polite chit chat/banter and they think I'm interested. Bus drivers stroking my hand, colleagues making very sexual comments. THIS is why some women are so unfriendly with men.
You can really see the difference in how men are raised now, men my age don't generally have the same slimy factor. What makes this older men so confident

There was a nice article today in the Telegraph about the value of female friendship. Mine have come into their own in my 50s, I appreciate them so much. Wonderful diverse women who know who I am and still love me.

https://www.telegraph.co.uk/health-fitness/wellbeing/mental-health/kate-moss-women-only-friendship-groups/?fbclid=IwAR30mMRsbSsoCVnzggHqj2jQOaazR-V3dTsDymv39D3pEW2kLpL0m_ju4iM

I’m 50 and find my male friends heavily outweigh my female friends but I think that’s for 2 very specific reasons. Firstly, I have ADHD and find most friendships pretty tricky but men seem less complex/require less from me. Secondly, I actually quite like my own company so mainly see friends at activities like Parkrun etc rather than going out for drinks or meals in groups.
The women I work with often go out for meals together and away for weekends but it’s not my scene even though I’ve been invited many times.

I had boys and men friends. In my teenage years and in my 20s the boys/young men around me were very very polite and would pretend are friends to me , in order to keep seeing me. Some were there just for company, some offered relationship when they saw I am not showing any interest other than having cup of tea or just a walk. I had an editor also ( published one short book ages ago ) and we used to have hours of heartfelt chat, sometimes with wine. He was married and actually old. His wife learn about it and got very upset. So since then I do not really engage with male friendships and since got married , my husband has been my best friend between both men and women. No way I will go now and meet my editor or if my husband will go to meet a strange woman, I will be sitting on the sofa alone, waiting for him.

That's interesting @Tamuchly

This is v interesting and I’d agree. I had lots of male friends when I was young and they’ve dropped out of my life pretty much once either I or they got partners. I think there was sexual interest on their part. And then their partners didn’t like them continuing their friendship with me. Makes me a bit sad actually

I don't think I've actively sought out any of my friendships, male or female.

They just kind of happened organically.

It is sad, makes you realise how sex driven they are, makes you question how much was fake when you were genuinely interested in them as a person.
Do they just go round seeing potential sex everywhere.
Feels so empty. I know many men value their female friends too though
Felt a bit sad recently as a long standing friend who I haven't even had one fleeting sexual thought about came onto me once I was single. He was willing to risk years of friendship to empty his balls

Yep, agree. I used to have more male mates, most of whom has a sexual interest at some point or another.

Now my only male friends are long distance so it's 'safe'. We chat about all sorts, no flirting and I quite like that.

I really love and treasure my female friendships. I always have but more now than ever. I think women are the superior sex by miles.

The only man I love is my dad!