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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Uncomfortable about childminding setup

14 replies

Jaffathehutt · 11/02/2024 12:10

My sister is a single mom and lives quite far away from the rest of our family, so we are often not the best option for ad hoc child minding. Saying that our parents are now retired and more flexible to travel to her if they get a bit of notice. My sister is a great mom, and my niece is also a very happy little girl. Because we are quite far away from her she has a pretty good network of friends who step in if she needs someone to mind her daughter.
I spoke to my sister yesterday and she mentioned that she has for travel for work for a few days which she has never done since she was born. This time her friends are already tied up in arrangements so she has asked another friend who agreed to look after DN.
And this is where I feel a bit uncomfortable now: it’s a male friend, who does not have any children himself and therefore little experience with children in general. I know that she has been friends with him for years and DN likes him too, but it just doesn’t sit right with me. Our parents have offered to travel down but DS insists that it will be too expensive at such short notice and that he had agreed and didn’t mind moving into her house for the days when she is away. I just don’t really understand it because I would definitely not be leaving my own DD with a childless man who, by his own admission, didn’t like children (DN proudly told me that he doesn’t like children apart from her). My sister says that he is great with DN and that she’ll just have to give him a more detailed breakdown of the routine etc. He has looked after her before for a day at a time, but never over night or several days in a row.
Admittedly I don’t know the person and only met him once briefly so I am probably being prejudiced and maybe paranoid here, but I feel uneasy about the thought of leaving a child with someone with very limited experience like this.

OP posts:
NoImRightYoureWrong · 11/02/2024 12:13

Are you really uncomfortable because you feel they lack experience or is it actually because they are male?

ZebraPensAreLife · 11/02/2024 12:16

How old is your DN?

I’m not sure I’d want a toddler or preschool child to be left with someone who didn’t know what they were doing, but 7+ and can tell the friend what he’s doing wrong? No issue if they’re both comfortable with each other.

Jaffathehutt · 11/02/2024 12:16

Probably a bit of both. I’d be more comfortable if he had children himself or experience with them though

OP posts:
Jaffathehutt · 11/02/2024 12:17

Thanks she just turned 7 and is really well behaved overall

OP posts:
PictureALadybird · 11/02/2024 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Babsexxx · 11/02/2024 12:18

Well op are you racing to help her?! I hope so if your THAT concerned

Bourbon75 · 11/02/2024 12:18

I think it's up to her. And please edit your title. Its very misleading as this isn't a childminding setting. It's an informal arrangement of childcare between 2 people. The title insinuates a professional Childminder is involved

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 11/02/2024 12:40

You have an issue because he's male

My brother is childless but I can imagine a close friend who would ask him to mind their child because they get on well

You don't even know this man. Consider your internal bias.

Octavia64 · 11/02/2024 12:42

Um.

If you don't know this man and don't have any reason to think there is a problem, then it sounds like you just think men should not look after children.

Do you think men should not look after children? It's an unusual view in this day and age.

SarahAndQuack · 11/02/2024 12:43

I think YABU. She obviously trusts him to look after a 7 year old; he's looked after her during the day before.

I think it's a little odd you put weight on what a child told you ('DN proudly told me that he doesn’t like children apart from her'). It sounds as if you are looking for reasons to dislike him. Would you feel the same if it were a childless female friend?

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 11/02/2024 12:48

I would feel the same and for me because he is male and I’m not shy to say it. What happens at bathtimes, if she has a nightmare, a dodgy tummy, wets the bed. Sorry I wouldn’t be happy putting my child in that position.

libbylane · 11/02/2024 12:54

I completely understand why you are uncomfortable @Jaffathehutt I wouldn't do this either. As for those who say a 7 year old can tell someone if something goes wrong, you need to know most abuse is someone a child knows and stays hidden for years, often decades.

Not all men are abusers. Most aren't. But this isn't something I'd entertain.

BaronessEllarawrosaurus · 11/02/2024 13:03

I feel uneasy about the thought of leaving a child with someone with very limited experience like this.

Do you feel the same way about newborn babies with first time parents? No obviously not so ask yourself why you have an issue with this. Do you instinctively feel childcare is womenswork?

10ThousandSpoons · 11/02/2024 13:05

He's not a childminder then?

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