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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Friend's child saw porn

21 replies

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 10:48

I met up with my son's friend from school and his mum yesterday for a play date. I don't know her that well but our boys get on really well. My son is 5, hers is 6 (year above but they go go wraparound care together). She disclosed to me that that morning she had left her phone unlocked and her son had gone on her reddit account and had seen porn. She showed me the site, it's for relationship advice and occasionally someone posts porn on there which the moderators then remove (apparently). It seemed like a genuine mistake and she was shaking through tears when she told me. She asked me for my advice and I literally had no idea what to say. I suggested she talked to him about it and be more careful with her phone but in reality my advice was utterly useless. I tried to think of what I would do if my son had seen something like that and I honestly don't know (I don't think that would ever happen). She's text me this morning worried that I'm going go report her to the school and saying that she wants to die because she's worried that her son is going to be traumatised and that she's going to be accused of child abuse. I do believe her story. I have no idea what to advise her. Or even respond with. The whole play date was awkward after that and I think she felt that. What would you advise in a situation like this? I feel a bit out of my depth but equally feel like I should know how to respond for the dreaded time my son does eventually see porn!

OP posts:
Flubadubba · 11/02/2024 10:51

I would ask this question in 'That Parenting Group' on Facebook. They are amazing at dealing with this kind of issue, and sex and relationship education for kids in general.

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 10:53

Flubadubba · 11/02/2024 10:51

I would ask this question in 'That Parenting Group' on Facebook. They are amazing at dealing with this kind of issue, and sex and relationship education for kids in general.

Edited

I think I'll suggest that she asks it herself anonymously as this could be helpful for her. Thank you.

OP posts:
Vettrianofan · 11/02/2024 10:55

One of my DCs friends years ago had been exposed to gay porn as his older (teenaged) brother must have had access to it. He then performed a sex act on my DC (school friend was a year younger than mine) during the summer holidays when all the DC were out playing.

Children don't have the capacity to deal with it. They can't unsee it.

I don't think you could say too much but possibly advice would be for your friend to contact Child Line.

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 10:56

Vettrianofan · 11/02/2024 10:55

One of my DCs friends years ago had been exposed to gay porn as his older (teenaged) brother must have had access to it. He then performed a sex act on my DC (school friend was a year younger than mine) during the summer holidays when all the DC were out playing.

Children don't have the capacity to deal with it. They can't unsee it.

I don't think you could say too much but possibly advice would be for your friend to contact Child Line.

Your poor DC. Its absolutely terrifying how readily available it all is.

OP posts:
Flubadubba · 11/02/2024 10:56

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 10:53

I think I'll suggest that she asks it herself anonymously as this could be helpful for her. Thank you.

Apols- it's 'That Parent Group (with Cath Hakanson'. They are very open, but usually offer sound advice.

Flubadubba · 11/02/2024 11:00

Also agree on calling Childline or NSPCC anonymously for advice.

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 11:06

Flubadubba · 11/02/2024 11:00

Also agree on calling Childline or NSPCC anonymously for advice.

I'll suggest this to her also. It must be something they hear fairly often.

OP posts:
Dara99 · 11/02/2024 11:15

Flubadubba · 11/02/2024 10:56

Apols- it's 'That Parent Group (with Cath Hakanson'. They are very open, but usually offer sound advice.

Thanks!

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Dara99 · 11/02/2024 11:18

I'm a bit worried she's handled it really badly. It sounded like she'd spent the whole morning interrogating her son re what he saw because he wouldn't tell her, I just hope he doesn't talk to my son about it tomorrow. Maybe I'm being a bit ott. Our kids are inseparable at times.

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Vettrianofan · 11/02/2024 15:39

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 10:56

Your poor DC. Its absolutely terrifying how readily available it all is.

Thanks. It happened almost a decade ago. Only found out a year ago. He kept hold of the secret all that time. Police were involved but it didn't lead anywhere as the child was under age of criminal responsibility when it happened.

Vettrianofan · 11/02/2024 15:40

Hopefully your friend gets professional advice from a charity organisation as it's not something that is easy to discuss as a parent.
Edited due to typo.

Silverbirchtwo · 11/02/2024 15:47

There was a Doctor Phil where a child saw a couple having sex in the back of a limousine, the mother told the child that sometimes adults like to wrestle naked, he thought that was a pretty good age appropriate answer at the time... Difficult to say without seeing the actual images and knowing how much he understood or even if it really registered with him or he just thought that's boring and moved on.

LakeTiticaca · 11/02/2024 17:33

Firstly your friend needs to put a password lock on her phone .
Secondly how much did the child actually see?
If it was just a glimpse, maybe minimal damage. If Child was watching for a period of time, we'll who knows what they saw....

historygeek · 11/02/2024 18:09

I'd advise your friend tell school herself. Her son might mention it at school and they make a referral.

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 18:38

Silverbirchtwo · 11/02/2024 15:47

There was a Doctor Phil where a child saw a couple having sex in the back of a limousine, the mother told the child that sometimes adults like to wrestle naked, he thought that was a pretty good age appropriate answer at the time... Difficult to say without seeing the actual images and knowing how much he understood or even if it really registered with him or he just thought that's boring and moved on.

How on earth did that even happen?

OP posts:
Dara99 · 11/02/2024 18:44

LakeTiticaca · 11/02/2024 17:33

Firstly your friend needs to put a password lock on her phone .
Secondly how much did the child actually see?
If it was just a glimpse, maybe minimal damage. If Child was watching for a period of time, we'll who knows what they saw....

She said he saw it for about 15 seconds. She was sat next to him and he started pressing buttons on her phone and she turned round and he was scrolling through porn. She had been reading a forum on reddit (apparently!). She did show it to me and it did have random spattering of porn bots on it. I don't use reddit (only mumsnet, which was one of my suggestions to her!). God knows if it's the truth but I don't think it was for long. Anyway I have advised that she seeks advice from NSPCC, secures her phone and doesn't keep bringing it up with him as to make him feel bad. Think my bit is done!

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ExtraOnions · 11/02/2024 18:57

“Porn” could be a multitude of things .. from mild to extreme, also .. depending what it was, he might not even be able to tell that what it was. Did he ask any questions ? I think I would probably have asked “do you have questions about what you saw on my phone”

Dara99 · 11/02/2024 19:53

ExtraOnions · 11/02/2024 18:57

“Porn” could be a multitude of things .. from mild to extreme, also .. depending what it was, he might not even be able to tell that what it was. Did he ask any questions ? I think I would probably have asked “do you have questions about what you saw on my phone”

I have no idea if he did to be fair. I don't think my reaction was the best. I was just a bit shocked. I don't watch porn and can't imagine my son having seen it at age 6.

OP posts:
SnowdaySewday · 11/02/2024 23:43

Your “bit” isn’t done until you have acted to safeguard your own child by ensuring that your DS and hers are not together unsupervised. You need to speak to the school safeguarding lead so that school and after-school club can support you in this.

Bear in mind that her story may not be completely true and she may have been under-stating what really happened, e.g. her DS may have seen porn, but it didn’t come about in the way she described.

Vettrianofan · 12/02/2024 06:45

SnowdaySewday · 11/02/2024 23:43

Your “bit” isn’t done until you have acted to safeguard your own child by ensuring that your DS and hers are not together unsupervised. You need to speak to the school safeguarding lead so that school and after-school club can support you in this.

Bear in mind that her story may not be completely true and she may have been under-stating what really happened, e.g. her DS may have seen porn, but it didn’t come about in the way she described.

Edited

It's an awful way to think but may be necessary, except you will always think that way about every interaction with every child.

There could be many children who have seen pron at a young age and not said anything. None of us will know.

Pocoyoismyhomeboy · 12/02/2024 07:22

Exposure to porn can be traumatising to children and can lead to inappropriate behaviour. I wouldn't let your child be alone with the other child for a while. I doubt 15 seconds of it is going to make an enormous difference to the child but then I'm not an expert.

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