Appreciate the comments, so many of them have been a huge help. Not enough people talk about not being a morning person and I've found it isolating until now, but turns out there is a small network of us out there.
When DH tells me the same Mums he bumps into every morning on the nursery run, I smile and ask questions but inside I felt shame, guilt and anxiety.
Now I realise I need to own it. I'm successful, a good mum and who knows, maybe like one poster I will be a morning person one day.
The eating part has gained a lot of interest, I don't have an eating disorder but I do like to eat as clean as I can since an experience when DS was 3 months, where I fell ill which triggered both healthy eating and sleep training which has also been mentioned, so perhaps some context can shed light.
DS went through 4 month sleep regression at 3 months, wouldn't go down for naps in day, was over tired, then waking up every hour between 1-6am, sometimes for food and others for dummy, I had become unwell and couldn't recover due to lack of sleep and feeding him. DH told me to sleep in spare room before I completely had a break down, with the aim to recover, but my anxiety/insomnia meant I couldn't sleep. It was the closest I felt to cracking up in my life.
The whole thing scarred me to say the least, it went on for 3 long, painful and agonising weeks, we have zero help from family and sleep deprivation when unwell is no joke.
When I finally recovered I took action, I had a challenging upbringing, so controlling the controllables as a way to push forward is second nature to me. I've got the mindset that no one will save me, I control my destiny. I try to not let anything in life trip me up twice.
I did 2 things:
- hired a professional baby sleep therapist
- took charge of my diet, so my body was in the best way to fight off any future virus'
The sleep therapist cost a pretty penny but we were desperate. Sleep training at that age is less about leaving the baby to cry it out, more about sticking to an age appropriate routine, where the baby is fed enough throughout the day and has enough good quality sleep and appropriate wake windows to give the best chance of over night sleep.
I was taught to feed a newborn on demand and let them sleep whenever they wanted, I had the routine totally wrong. Almost immediately when I had the new routine, everything changed.
Yes some of the routine is letting a baby self soothe, this is widely recommended, from birth with advice like 'put your baby down awake and let them put themselves to sleep' and 'don't run in as soon as they cry, leave them 5 mins', even NHS recommends the above from birth and it's also known that after a baby is over a certain weight they no longer need a night feed, DS reached that weight at 9 weeks.
I was still feeding him at 13 weeks, assuming when he woke up he was hungry but it was just because he went through sleep cycles and needed me to help him go back. I remember squatting with him, rocking and shushing him to sleep for 30-40 min every afternoon, then he would go on to wake up not long after. He was over tired.
During training, DS never cried more than 10-15 min day or night, and once he mastered his day naps, and realised I wasn't going to feed him when he woke at night, he was sleeping through within 2 nights.
Ironically, despite people being upset about crying, the fact is he cried x10 less than when he would before as he would be crying non stop when he was over tired and not able to get to sleep, even with my help.
It was the best I could do did at the time, with the information I had, after an incredibly challenging few weeks, and I paid several hundreds of pounds for a professional to consult us everyday. I became a better parent for it and DS was much happier when not over tired and remains independent and a good sleeper until today.
As for the eating, I learnt that a healthy gut and a diverse micro biome is responsible for fighting virus' and if this is controlled then inflammation goes down, digestion improves, everything works better.
I did all the research I could with my newly rested self and started to cut out processed food like nature valley bats that I was gorging on because breast feeding is hungry work. I check ingredients of everything and have changed so many things, and I only became ill once for the following 12 months as a result.
Alcohol, pizza, crisps, fish and chips all the things I loved as a treat were largely gone. I piled on the kg in my first pregnancy so was delighted to see the baby weight drop off, I was even 2kg less than pre birth weight by the end of the year. Which I did put some back on before falling pregnant again. I guess I'm scared I will spend all of maternity leave worrying about post partum weight again when the reality is if I just exercised it wouldn't be an issue.
Maybe my comment about restricting calories was confusing, before being pregnant I used to fast and it was because I was too lazy to hit the gym. I have mum friends who exercise religiously and eat what they like. I could, but I've no motivation and it gets me down. Now I'm pregnant I don't fast but unlike last time I'm not reaching for peanut butter on toast, cheese on crackers and ginger biscuits to get me through nausea. I'm trying to do better.
Appreciate all your supportive posts, they've really helped.