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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this narcissistic behaviour?

13 replies

userzH · 11/02/2024 10:04

Husband is charming. He is more affectionate than wife. He has more personality than wife and is confident. He speaks to absolutely everyone.

Wife is more shy and reserved.

Wife gets fed up of husband. Husband doesn't help around the house - though he works long hours. He works hard and brings in good money. Husband gambles though doesn't leave the family with nothing money. He has had bad experiences of gambling before however and has been in huge amounts of debt because of this.

Wife does everything in the home. She doesn't ask for help as she knows it's pointless. She does all the childcare and frequently looks after her step children for days on end.

Husband constantly moans. He's always stressed. Always talking about himself. Always. Wife feels she doesn't matter. Equally she feels she has nothing to say as all she does is look after everyone else.

Husband can give wife silent treatment for the smallest of things. Wife hates it. She tries hard to avoid this and does the same for the dc too. She works hard to make sure no one annoys him.

Husband notices wife becomes distant. He worked away recently and accuses wife of cheating. Wife wasn't cheating. Husband also tells wife he is messaging someone to else however immediately takes it back and says he isn't. Regardless, wife leaves.

Husband begs wife to come back. He promises wife he will change for the better. Wife agrees. She goes back and things are good for 2/3 weeks.

However husband changes. He goes back to being worse than he was before. Gambling more. Not really speaking to wife much at all. Wife is still expecting the promised change from the husband so she asks him to do some minor things to help round the house - he doesn't do it. She asks him to pick up some nappy's for the toddler as he is unwell - he doesn't do it.

Wife's mental health then starts to deteriorate. Wife becomes worried as she feels so low that she could potentially do something very final. She just wants to escape her life.

Wife calls husband while he's at work. She is crying. She tells husband about the thoughts she's having in her head. Husband isn't impressed. He's annoyed wife called him at work (he is self employed and can work his own hours). He tells her he can't be arsed with it.

Wife leaves again.

After a few days, husband tells wife he is having a mental breakdown himself. He apologises to wife for his behaviour. He says he will change.

He says he didn't know how to deal with his wife's suicidal thoughts because his own dad committed suicide and he didn't know how to cope.

Wife then starts looking after husband even though she is suffering herself. Everything becomes about husband however she refuses to go back.

Husband goes to therapy - finally while still begging wife to come back.

Wife asks for space. Husband continues to beg wife to come back. If she refused, husband gets angry with wife and calls her cold and nasty.

Husband then begins to think wife is with someone else. She isn't. Wife then has to constantly prove she has no one else while the husband is convinced she has.

Husband continues to either beg wife to come back or accuse her of having someone else.

This is over a period of 6 weeks from wife leaving for good up until this point.

It then emerges that husband has been messaging other woman. Husband has also started a new 'friendship' with another woman also. He claims this is nothing more than a friendship and she is helping him through this. He goes round to her house etc.

The 'friend' messages the wife to say they have been sleeping together while husband insists they haven't. The friend is then seen as crazy with bipolar according to husband.

The story continues but I'm interested to know if these points shows a narcissist.

OP posts:
userzH · 11/02/2024 10:25

Also husband barely offers any support with his child in this time. Will FaceTime him but only as an excuse to speak to wife. Would look after him for 2/3 hours at most alone and this is only an excuse to see wife too.

OP posts:
Mudflaps · 11/02/2024 10:34

Not a narcissist, just a prick using methods to keep a woman 'in her place' that some men have used for centuries.

userzH · 11/02/2024 10:49

Mudflaps · 11/02/2024 10:34

Not a narcissist, just a prick using methods to keep a woman 'in her place' that some men have used for centuries.

Possibly - thank you

OP posts:
sparkellie · 11/02/2024 10:50

A narcissist should be diagnosed by a professional. Most people have narcissistic tendencies of some kind. It doesn't make them narcissists.
He is, whatever else, a twat, and the wife is clearly better off without him.

KreedKafer · 11/02/2024 10:52

Does it matter whether he’s a narcissist? He doesn’t have to be a narcissist for you to divorce him. Diagnosing your husband won’t stop him being a cunt.

MiddleagedBeachbum · 11/02/2024 10:54

He’s a twat trying his luck and you’re better off without him 💐

DaBlackCatsAreDaBestCats · 11/02/2024 10:57

He’s a manipulating, selfish knob

zingally · 11/02/2024 11:03

Not a narcissist particularly. Just a knob.

And it more sounds like 2 people who just aren't into each other any more. Probably would be best all round if the split became final.

userzH · 11/02/2024 11:06

This was 2 years ago. My therapist says he is 100% a narcissist and that I should look into traits.

It ended up with police involvement and almost a restraining order.

2 years later and I'm still in a bad place

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 11/02/2024 11:09

No idea if it's narcissistic behaviour but it is certainly abusive, controlling and manipulative. Surely that's enough?

userzH · 11/02/2024 11:20

LittleGreenDragons · 11/02/2024 11:09

No idea if it's narcissistic behaviour but it is certainly abusive, controlling and manipulative. Surely that's enough?

Yeah it is. I'm out and I've filed for divorce but I've been left with a hell of a lot of trauma, confusion and just heartbreak. PTSD too according to my GP

OP posts:
sparkellie · 11/02/2024 14:27

userzH · 11/02/2024 11:06

This was 2 years ago. My therapist says he is 100% a narcissist and that I should look into traits.

It ended up with police involvement and almost a restraining order.

2 years later and I'm still in a bad place

Your therapist cannot diagnose him as a narcissist! She can and should warn you that these are traits, make you aware, and encourage you to look into it to help yourself on future. But she shouldn't be saying things like that as definites. There's a whole spectrum of things that are needed to say for sure someone is a narcissist and she won't have them from talking to you. Having said that, as a pp said it's not important whether he is or is isn't. What's important is you, recognising your patterns and protecting yourself from getting into a similar relationship again.

userzH · 11/02/2024 16:24

@sparkellie I've been with her for 2 years now, she knows the full story and all his past. I agree that she can't say for sure that he is but she says he ticks all the boxes from what I've said.

Maybe she's just trying a new way for me to hurry up and get over it. 2 years later and I feel no further on with it so maybe she's just trying new tactics to help. My therapist has been great. We've explored all my childhood and his to show how we came together. I understand my childhood and why I am like I am.

I am very deeply trauma bonded to him and I've had enough of it. I want to not care anymore

OP posts:
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