Do I say she doesn't have to sleep over I Dad's?

[Tryingmybest090909]

I moved out of the family home 3 months ago, left husband there. Offered 50/50 contact. This has been a bit up and down with DD (10 next month). For the last 2 weeks she hasn't wanted to sleep at her Dad's. She is hysterical and is basically refusing to go unless I pick her up before bedtime. STBX is not happy with this and is blaming me.
On Friday night I left them to it to see if that would work. He picked up from school, I got a phone call at 7pm from daughter very upset saying she didn't want to stay, she needed me to come get her.
I rang STBX and he just wasn't interested in trying anything to help her. I said he was welcome to bring her back but he refused but said I could collect. I tried to leave them to it but I got another 7 phone calls in the next 50 mins - I then went to collect her.
Husband would often give me the silent treatment in our marraige and can't discuss anything like an adult.

Am I unresonable to just say I will pick her up before bedtime until she has settled a bit more? He obviously won't be happy but I'm not sure I can put her through being that upset again.
She seems happy to go in the day with the understanding I will get her at a certain time.

Also does anyone know if her views would be taken into account if he did go to court?

Absolutely not being unreasonable... you are showing your daughter that her feelings are valid by not forcing her to do something she is clearly uncomfortable with. Respect to you mama for showing her she will be respected and listened to x

That is worrying she feels so strongly again at it. I would respect her wishes. Why traumatis her even more. Make it a slow transition and give it time. See if she talks about it

My goodness, please listen to your daughter. I'll always blame my mum for "encouraging" me to keep up a relationship with my horrible dad.

If you haven't managed to keep up a relationship with him, why do you think it'll be any easier for her? If he made your life miserable, why does she deserve the same? She called you 8 times. Believe me, she felt desperate. 8 times! Can you imagine how she felt the 5th, 6th, 7th time?

I think he needs to build on what he has - clearly there is some good in the relationship. Forcing is not going to help. He needs to plan carefully how to get her comfortable to stay longer - letting her decorate her bedroom? Planning some late night film and pizza events? Making it a place she wants to invite friends for a sleep over?

Support her very clear boundaries OP.

She is ten and old enough to know her own mind. Right now she does not want to stay overnight but is happy to stay during daytime. That is a win by itself. Once things have settled down she might change her mind and want to stay overnight and that is fine too, but it should be her choice.

What you don't do is ignore a sobbing child begging you not to make her do something. That is cruel and abusive.

My dad also used to accuse my mum of alienating us. (We hated seeing him). So, out of sheer cowardice, she strongly encouraged us to see him because then she wouldn't get blamed.

You're the adult, op. It's you who should shoulder hardship for the sake of your child, not the other way around! Don't make your dd endure bad experiences just so you can not get blamed.

Also, I'd bet a lot of money that she doesn't actually enjoy seeing him in the daytime but she knows if she offers this as a concession she might get to go home at night. I've lived this, op. Please listen to her

Why is she feeling like this though? I think you’re taking the wrong approach and need to talk through it with her, and instead of bringing her home to yours, you stay with her at bedtime at his for a little while then try a quick visit just before bedtime and leave dad to do bedtime and slowly build up to you not there at all.

It literally doesn’t matter how you and her dad feel. You’ve split but you’re both still her parents and you can’t just ignore or avoid this so you have to work together, and she does need to learn to settle with just dad.

she does need to learn to settle with just dad

I really disagree with this. We should teach our daughters that they don't need to spend time with men if they don't want to.

I agree at ten your daughter should have the choice. But I worry about this as my six year old is forced to be 50 50 with me and her dad and she's always hated it and still does(since 2 years old). I wonder what the actual age is that the court will let the child choose??

Unfortunately the courts don't agree with this though, even if you can give reasons why it's not in their best interests it appears a lot of dads are getting 50/50 even when the child is unhappy with that. The family court system is not fit for purpose at all and it's worrying, I am in the situation of having to send my child for half the time to somewhere she doesn't want to be. Till when, I don't know but I feel like I'm wishing her life away until she gets to choose.

Happy child better than unhappy child. Cut the visits back to afterschool-evening. He can put himself out to reassure her or not but its up to him to manage the relationship.

She’ll be made to stay by a court order though. The split is new, so they haven’t gotten to court battles yet but it sounds like they will, and the court will give him overnights. So… should she deal with it now and help the child settle at dad’s or wait until they have no wiggle room?

I'm going against the grain here. Providing she is safe and cared for at 10 she goes to see her dad. What would you do if she cried because she only wanted to stay at school until lunch time? If he gets a court order you'll be told the same.

It's not a forgone conclusion that the court will give him overnights. For a start, if they stop doing overnights now, then by the time it gets to court, nights at Dad's won't be part of her normal routine.

Regardless of all that, I'd fight pretty hard (in court or out) to give my daughter a comfortable and happy life. Whereas what you are suggesting is giving up before the fight has even begun (I mean I know you are also thinking of whats best for the daughter!)

My own mum did eventually stop pressuring me and my dsis. Her attitude was basically "let him take me back to court if he wants" and he couldn't be bothered by then.

If you have no court order, you do what you think is best. She's crying out for help and she doesn't want the current level of contact to include overnights. You listen to her..
You sound like you're actively encouraging and facilitating that's all you can do.
Pick her up and leave him to his silent treatment.

I wouldn't force it for now, but I would be looking for some support for her.

It's strange that he is in the family home and she's not wanting to sleep there, after such a short time.

Would suggest she's worrying about something else, usually mum being alone and sad, or something with dad has upset her.

I have tried talking to her about the reasons, all she says is she misses me. Although she is happy to go to friends houses and to see cousins.
I have tried saying I will come and do bedtime there with them but she says no.

I'm not sure how much more I can do.

Op, it's not court ordered contact I presume so do nothing more than you've suggested.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. You only want your child to feel safe and happy, surely your ex wants that too!

That's why I've suggested she needs to talk to someone.

She misses you.

You have left her home, with her.

That's a huge disruption for any child.

Why did mummy leave, what was scary, is she ok, something must not be ok.

So he needs to respect that, but you need to keep doing as you are and add in some extra support.

Her home is no longer her mummy's safe space, so why should it be hers.

Cousins etc don't matter.

If you had stayed in house it would be unlikely to be this happening, so the fact he has and does not have full time care will be adding to this in her mind.