My feed

to access all these features


To ask who's at fault?

18 replies

whathappenedno · 11/02/2024 04:47

So dh and I have been together 15 years, 3 kids.
Last night we had a at home valentines meal while kids are in bed. Lovely meal and after we chilled in the living room and watched a bit of tv.
We went upstairs early (with a plan to have sex) while watching tv I'd seen an actress I recognised and was trying to remember what id seen her in. I'd asked dh but he didn't recognise her.
When we got upstairs we were cuddling and I blanked out for a few seconds (this happens I have asd and can zoom out sometimes) Dh asked what I was thinking I said laughing 'oh I'm still try to remember the actress'. Dh told me to stop thinking about it and I jokingly said 'I can't' there was then a bit of back and forth about me needing to let things like that go ( whilst it does bug me if I can't remember something I don't go on about it, I'll usually ask dh if he knows but won't mention it again as I know that's boring to others. )
Anyway dh started having a go at me (irritated tone) saying I go on about feeling stressed and having lots to think about and then I create stuff like this. I was quite taken aback as this felt like a personal attack. I ask why he's having a go he did this deep sigh like he was trying to not react then completely ignored me, got undressed and in to bed . I asked if he was ignoring me and he asked me to get off the quilt.

I'm completely blindsided, As far as I was concerned we had had a lovely evening and we were cuddling on the bed which would inevitably lead to kissing and then to sex. I can't understand how a small thing like trying to remember a name would make him not want to have sex. I only asked him once downstairs, he then asked me why I had zoned out and I told him. (I can't really control the zoning out especially if I have had a few drinks. ) I really hadn't gone on about it. Was this me or did he overreact?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 11/02/2024 06:09

I can see both sides, you can't help it but you can just google it and then you'd know, might not have zoned out and would have had sex and a nice time

If it happens a lot then I can see how it's annoying - if you know alcohol makes it worse then you could have drank less.

He should be understanding and supportive but you can equally help yourself a bit more

KnowledgeableMomma · 11/02/2024 06:09

You do say that this is something you do often (zoning out and hyper-focusing on something) and this time, during a sexy-time moment. Mood killer. It may be something that happens often enough, hubby is just done and annoyed with it.

xyz111 · 11/02/2024 06:26

Why on earth didn't you just Google it??

Toomuchgoingon79 · 11/02/2024 07:02

That's why Google was invented!

orangegato · 11/02/2024 07:06

I despise sulky unreasonable men.

Notevenslightlydamp · 11/02/2024 07:06

It was you. There's a time and a place for the conversation and that wasn't it.

JustRollWithIt · 11/02/2024 07:33

Sounds like he found it a mood killer. Maybe had high expectations after a nice evening and feels that you zoning out changed the whole mood, which after 15 yrs married (in my experience) is easily done and hard to bounce back from in the moment. Not really your fault, but not his either.

whathappenedno · 11/02/2024 07:33

Yeah we had put our phones away for quality time so Google not an option. After asking whilst watch tv I didn't mention it again. It was because I zoned out (which is normal for me) and he asked what I was thinking that I told him.
It's also normal for us to say things like - remind me to set my alarm after etc. - we have been together a long time.

OP posts:
whathappenedno · 11/02/2024 08:52

Yeah having had some time to ponder it this morning I've come to the conclusion that he was either -

Drunk and over reacted (we had shared a bottle of wine and he had a few beers)

Really genuinely has a bug bear with this

Didn't want sex

OP posts:
TinyYellow · 11/02/2024 08:58

It is a bit weird to ‘zone out’ while you’re cuddling and leading to sex.

I can see why he’s pissed off. Although I know it wasn’t intended this way, in your husbands position I think I’d feel unattractive if I couldn’t keep your attention in bed enough to stop you thinking about something completely random and pointless and as if you weren’t really interested. Obviously, that’s going to be a turn off. I think you owe him an apology.

Getthethrowonthesofa · 11/02/2024 09:08

I think it’s likely as you clearly were not in the moment with him, and he was being physically affectionate and you were laying thinking about this actress, I don’t really know what zoning out looks like to him, but it was clearly very obvious to him you were not focusing on the activity at hand and your mind was elsewhere.

yellowsmileyface · 11/02/2024 09:42

I can see both sides. I have ADHD so I get distracted and zone out a lot, even during intimacy which can make it really hard to be in the moment.

But I also imagine your dh felt quite rejected. You were supposed to be sharing some intimacy and instead you were distracted, still thinking about something trivial and unimportant. I understand you can't really help it, but from his perspective, it would seem like you were the one who didn't really want sex if you were more focused on this actress than on him.

I can see how it would kill the mood. I don't think he overreacted by just going to sleep instead.

Hipnotised · 11/02/2024 09:49


I'd have found that a total turn off.

MartinsSpareCalculator · 11/02/2024 09:52

If you're cuddling and kissing, with the liklihood being that it leads to sex, you definitely want the other person to be present. You don't want them to zone out and think about what someone's name is. It very much implies you're more interested in that than them. It would be a huge turn off for me too.

And you can help it. You can learn a new behaviour. I have ASD and learn different behaviours that perhaps don't come naturally to me.

Bluju · 11/02/2024 09:54

Cuddling and kissing after a lovely evening, the last thing you want is someone zoning out and killing the mood.

BuffaloGirl · 11/02/2024 10:04

It must have been a turn off for your husband though, which is understandable.

I am similarly distracted by things like this and would introduce a caveat to the no phones rule - minimal usage to prevent these distractions, but not allow it to turn into an all-out google fest.

leggorama · 11/02/2024 10:05

You need (international movie data base) lists all tv shows, films, computer games etc. Put what you were watching into that it lists the cast and then you can click on them and see their other work. Ask me how I know Grin Dh and I both pause the tv to try to remember what someone was in, it is a game for us but we both do it.

whathappenedno · 11/02/2024 10:23

Well it all kicked off this morning!

I asked him about last night because as I said previously I felt it was a big reaction (for him) .
He said he was annoyed as when he was telling me to stop over thinking stuff like that I said jokingly (as at that point I didn't realise he was being serious) "you can't tell me what to do! "
He had taken offence at that as it had made him feel like he can't have an opinion on how I am behaving. I explained I was joking as at that point I still felt it was light hearted. But I realise now he was being serious so I apologised.

I then explained I thought he was out of order for bringing my mh into a row as I don't agree with using stuff we have told each other in trust (he has done this before but not regularly)
He got annoyed and said he was trying to help me be better in my self and that it's unhelpful to not let stuff like that go instantly.

I pointed out that if he has a genuine concern about my mh, a row is not the time to try to 'fix' me. But he's welcome to talk to me when we are not rowing if he has concerns.

And he stormed off downstairs.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.