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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Or is it time to find a new job

14 replies

Littlelunch · 10/02/2024 23:05

I work for a large company in financial services and have been with the company in varying roles for the past 18 years.

Last year I moved into a new role - something quite different from what I'd done previously (think moving from an operations role to project management team).

I like my new team in the whole. My boss is ok - very hands off but there if I need her. Although I'm new to the role I'm pretty competent in general and get stuck in. I'm not the "set the world in fire" type of person but have always been told I'm a hard worker, reliable and good with stakeholders and getting things done.

Unfortunately, my skip level manager (my bosses boss) is really not a pleasant person. Very brusque to the point of being rude. He's chaotic, his opinions and demands change constantly, he's a poor communicator and I find every time I deal with him he makes things more complicated. Every single time!

For the last 2-3 weeks I have been working my @rse off in a last minute project that my boss had sat on for months and done very little with. I have thankfully and somewhat miraculously managed to get it over the line despite having the scope expand massively at short notice. It was agreed by my boss and 2 levels up the chain that this needed to be delivered on time - failure to do so was not an option.

This has meant some of my other projects were put on hold or had very little focus recently - a conscious decision and one I communicated to key stakeholders and my boss.

A week ago I was given heads up that I needed to deliver an update for some senior business meeting - fine I thought as there was nothing really to report since the last update (it's a 2 year project - very slow progress at this point).

On Friday I got pulled into an urgent call about this update and was finally given confirmation on what form the update should take and when I explained to my skip manager that I hadn't progressed this yet (bearing in mind I'd only just hear about the requirements) he criticised me on the meeting in front of others claiming that I should never have spend so much time on the critical project and that I'd dropped the ball.

I'm not an emotional person but I was honestly in tears afterwards - not because I can't take criticism but because I had worked so hard, delivered more than was asked and it just wasn't enough.

I've seen him regularly throw my other team members (including my boss) under the bus or criticise them unfairly and honestly it feels like that was breaking point for me. I just cannot see how I can continue to work for this man who has so little respect for his team and feels it appropriate to speak to people like that.

I'm messaged him afterwards to express how demotivating it was to work so hard at something only to have that criticism levelled at me.

Am I being too sensitive? I've had difficult managers in the past but nothing like this - nothing has made me just not want to try anymore or to actually just go off sick to avoid the stress of it. It's clear I'll never be good enough for this man.

I'm going to start actively looking for a new job in the business but it's slim pickings at the moment.

Any tips on how to deal with it in the interim while I try to get out? I obviously still want to do a good job for myself but I don't think I care about working or delivering for him anymore.

OP posts:
Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:20

Very long so didn’t read it all to be honest, but always been a bit believer in moving on when you’re not happy.
it’s generally bosses that cause it. Short term write an email with your frustrations, drink some wine. Save it to drafts and you’ll feel differently tomorrow and you can delete.
long term, start making an exit plan, we spend to many hours at work to be made miserable by it.

slipperypenguin · 10/02/2024 23:21

I'd be doing the bare minimum and sending them clear emails to state - you have told me priority is X and therefore I will be focussing on this. This therefore means that there will be no progress on project Y. If he tries to pull that stunt again you can calmly refer him back to your prior correspondence where you made that clear... all whilst you find something new :-)

Littlelunch · 10/02/2024 23:27

Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:20

Very long so didn’t read it all to be honest, but always been a bit believer in moving on when you’re not happy.
it’s generally bosses that cause it. Short term write an email with your frustrations, drink some wine. Save it to drafts and you’ll feel differently tomorrow and you can delete.
long term, start making an exit plan, we spend to many hours at work to be made miserable by it.

Sorry for the length of it! I don't think I can edit to shorten it now.

Venting to others has helped - most of my colleagues feel the same and I have actually asked my boss previously if we could get that feedback to him (not that I think he'd change) but she did nothing about it.

OP posts:
Littlelunch · 10/02/2024 23:29

slipperypenguin · 10/02/2024 23:21

I'd be doing the bare minimum and sending them clear emails to state - you have told me priority is X and therefore I will be focussing on this. This therefore means that there will be no progress on project Y. If he tries to pull that stunt again you can calmly refer him back to your prior correspondence where you made that clear... all whilst you find something new :-)

Believe it or not I already take all of his emails and put all his asks on a list so in tick things off - but what happens is he tells you that you have misunderstood his meaning. Basically, he's poor at his job but just points the finger at everyone else.

I'm dreading Monday and having to now rush this other work and having to cancel my half day holiday that I was supposed to be spending with my daughter as otherwise I'll not get it done :(

OP posts:
Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:30

@Littlelunch yes sorry, wasn’t a dig. Venting helps and obviously I even send write it out haha. But also don’t let it take too much head space. I’m guilty of this too, and there’s nothing better than getting yourself in a position that this no longer matters

Littlelunch · 10/02/2024 23:32

Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:30

@Littlelunch yes sorry, wasn’t a dig. Venting helps and obviously I even send write it out haha. But also don’t let it take too much head space. I’m guilty of this too, and there’s nothing better than getting yourself in a position that this no longer matters

This is what I'm aiming for - not sure how to achieve it yet even though I know in the grand scheme of things this doesn't matter and what this nasty little man thinks of me doesn't matter!

OP posts:
Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:35

How long have you been in this new role? I’ve been in positions like yourself where I’ve had a similar skip manager (not heard that term before) being an arsehole, and it was almost some sort of test. Not saying it’s excusable, but eventually he decided I had “passed” and he was fine with me. Pretty awful watching the way he treats some colleagues though. Small dick big position energy.

Littlelunch · 10/02/2024 23:39

Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:35

How long have you been in this new role? I’ve been in positions like yourself where I’ve had a similar skip manager (not heard that term before) being an arsehole, and it was almost some sort of test. Not saying it’s excusable, but eventually he decided I had “passed” and he was fine with me. Pretty awful watching the way he treats some colleagues though. Small dick big position energy.

9 months so not a test and this treatment isn't specific to me - he seems to be like that with everyone unfortunately so it's unlikely to change.

What make it more frustrating is that there is a big focus in the company about demonstrating good values and he is the antithesis of these values. And no one calls him out on it.

He's also been in that role for years so unlikely to go anywhere.

OP posts:
Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:45

@Littlelunch well in a sense that’s good because it’s not personal. Sometimes we just have clashing professional styles.
try to look at it from a different point of view, a job is still just a job. It’s easy to let it define who we are and become very passionate, but ultimately it’s a contract….and there’s other opportunities out there. I imagine after 18 years it’s very hard not to feel dedicated to the role/company.
Hold your head high, continue acting professional, start looking at what else is out there.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/02/2024 23:52

Large company with 18 years.

No way would I leave because of one asshole and a weak line manager too.

I would apply for internal roles and move sideways.

It's financial services. There will always be voluntary redundancy offers every few years and even more in future due to advancing technology.

I wouldn't leave without the 18 year service redundancy package.

Littlelunch · 10/02/2024 23:54

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 10/02/2024 23:52

Large company with 18 years.

No way would I leave because of one asshole and a weak line manager too.

I would apply for internal roles and move sideways.

It's financial services. There will always be voluntary redundancy offers every few years and even more in future due to advancing technology.

I wouldn't leave without the 18 year service redundancy package.

Definitely not leaving the company - just want to get away from that team. And praying for that redundancy package 🤣

OP posts:
Cocacolacarrie · 10/02/2024 23:54

Oopsydaisypip · 10/02/2024 23:35

How long have you been in this new role? I’ve been in positions like yourself where I’ve had a similar skip manager (not heard that term before) being an arsehole, and it was almost some sort of test. Not saying it’s excusable, but eventually he decided I had “passed” and he was fine with me. Pretty awful watching the way he treats some colleagues though. Small dick big position energy.

OMG, it's so funny you mentioned about it feeling like a test, because that is what I feel like my manager is like. Who is female, so can't even blame small dick energy. She goes through phases of being annoyed with someone about something, but then randomly them decides that they are amazing and can do no wrong. Having been through the former last year and now being in the latter, I just kind of shrug it all off. I know I will never meet her random and ever changing goal posts. She is due to retire soon. I also suspect that she has a bit of a drink problem and she was suspected of drinking while working. I just ignore her as much as possible, report to other people where I can, do as I am told but never go above and beyond.

If it helps to detach from it, it says more about them as a manager because they do not have enough confidence in their own decisions to stand by their own mistakes. They blame others instead.

ThirtyThrillionThreeTrees · 11/02/2024 00:23

@Littlelunch apologies, I misunderstood!

I thought you meant leave both.

dietirnbruqueen · 11/02/2024 01:38

What did he say to your message?

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