Aibu to be upset by dh

[meyouandthedog]

Evening,

Recently I have begun opening up to my husband and a couple of close friends about my childhood. Before this I had shared small bits but I'd buried most of it. It's very painful for me to share but I do so quite stoically as I suppose it is a protective mechanism. I don't go on and one but perhaps share something related to the conversation we are having and only when alone. This has only happened twice or three times so not like I bring it up constantly. We have been married 12 years and dh didn't know any of this about me and it has shaped who I am and how I parent in a big way.

Today I shared something very hard, I don't expect dh or anyone for that matter to be my therapist or to try and offer advice but I did think that I could trust dh at least to listen and acknowledge it in some way. I understand it's a negative topic that's why it has taken me over 30 years to share and I am fearful of putting this on others or seeming lie a negative person. It's not a sob story but I have never felt safe enough or close enough to anyone to do so before. It's important to me as it's become relevant as I parent more and more. It does contribute to some of my parenting decisions and I hope by sharing it with dh it could help him understand me and my parenting more. Dh thinks I'm too soft with the dc at times and this is the sort of thing that I mean for example.

When telling dh today he kept breaking me off to interrupt to ask things that I felt could have waited, such as what colour to paint the hall. I was only speaking for 10 minutes max. He also kept looking at his phone and the tv and it was obvious at those points he wasn't listening because he was ummming and arrring in that way you do with the dc when your not fully listening. It's really upset me and unlike me I didn't say anything, I just walked away. I don't know how to address it or even if I should.

Our relationship is otherwise good but communication has always been an issue for dh, he is a very introverted quiet person who has struggled to keep conversations going or to start them.

Aibu here

I think he was uncomfortable with what you told him and didn’t know how to respond. I’m not defending him in any way.

I would bring it up again in a while and tell him how you feel.

That must have been quite upsetting. To be finally opening up, and then not listened to.

All I can suggest is that you find a quiet time to say that you were upset at him not paying attention to you. And ask if he could suggest a time tomorrow (or whenever) where you could chat uninterrupted.

Maybe he hadn't fully realised that you were sharing something important. Or perhaps he had other stuff on his mind. Regardless, a good DH should be able to sense when to put the phone down and listen.

Sorry, I didn't mean to quote your post back at you!

I'm not saying this was right, but it sounds like he was uncomfortable hearing what you had to say, and would have buried his head in the dirt rather than engage - it's easier than facing reality? I would give him a day or so to ruminate on what you said, and then broach this with him - explain how it made you feel, and that sharing this was a huge step for you. Hopefully he'll act more appropriately next time. Hope you're ok x

I have learned to pick my moments.
I read the room, check out his body language, make sure the tv is off or if it’s on, not showing 6 Nations or some other fascinating sport, take note of anything planned within a short period of opening the conversation so he won’t be tempted to rush off. Make sure his phone is down and hopefully out of sight.

It’s pathetic that I have to be cognisant of this “process” but over the years it’s worked for me.

I do find a good time is often on a journey in the car. Wait until you’re on the motorway, cruising along, and get back to the conversation.

It’s ridiculous and not often needed as a strategy but I’ve occasionally found it helpful.

Thank you all. Yes perhaps it was him being uncomfortable but I didn't think the topic was that bad. Maybe because it's normal for me. I appreciate it's not for everyone. I can see I do need to accept it's not something I can discuss with dh and get some proper therapy. I did just feel it relevant due to it impacting parenting.

DH can be like that. It’s disappointing. What you are hoping for is a hug and a ‘that’s awful, I can see why it bothers you when x,y, z.’

what I get is more of a <hmm she’s sad. I can’t fix that. I’ll do some washing up and prove I’m reliable >.

at best.

Can I suggest instead of opening up fully in the moment, you make a place marker comment- something like ‘Gosh that really reminds me of things that used to happen when I was a kid. I’d like to talk about it later.’

Then sit together with a cuppa and tell him you need him to listen, hold your hand and hear that you are sad and would like a hug. Or something along those lines.

Does that make sense?

I think it can help to be clear about what you need, 'I have something that I find difficult to tell you, so it will help if you can just sit and listen to me for 10 minutes.

And then maybe say, 'Was that clear? Is there anything you'd like to ask?'

Sometimes a partner can't help sort out the really difficult stuff for you. But it is important to feel that they care about what's going on with you, especially if it has the potential to impact on the way you parent together.

Whilst I agree to a certain extent, the OP says it was hard for her to talk about it. I'd expect my DH to not pick up his phone and look at me rather than the TV if I was talking about something clearly serious. Maybe her DH was distracted, but he sounds lacking in empathy.

I think if you've been married for 12 years (and presumably together before that!) he's potentially not aware of how important this is to you to talk about? If my DH randomly started talking about part of his childhood he'd lot told me about for say 15 years I potentially wouldn't know it was some sort of groundbreaking revelation, especially if it is something you've held secret for 30 years.

Is it something hard for you to share and also hard for him to hear? I'd definitely recommend actually finding someone to talk to, professionally - they'll be able to help more than your DH will.

That sounds like a crushing response! Is your spouse usually good at listening when you discuss important things? I mean, things important to you? Talking about what colour to paint the hall as a response does sound very disconnected. You could, as pp have suggested, choose a time when he’s more likely to be responsive and try again. You may find warning/preparing by saying it’s an important topic, you’d like his whole attention. You might also add (if it’s true for you) that you don’t want a solution, you want him to listen supportively.

It may also be worthwhile considering therapy. It sounds like your daughter is at an age that was resonant for you at the same age, and your unfinished business has come to call - it happens quite often and is deserving of your attention. And deserving of the undivided attention of a professional ear. You seem to be experiencing what happened as you say it and there is value in working with someone unconnected to your past or present in order to sort out both the content and how you want to bring it. Tentative exploration can feel extremely stamped on by the (usually unintentional) hobnailed boots of loved ones.

Well yes. But identifying that he’s lacking in empathy doesn’t really help. You just need a different way to approach difficult things. He truly may not have understood he was listening to something important- perhaps because he was thinking of other things, and just not paying much attention.

Thank you. Some really good points and advice here.
It's true @Craftycorvid my daughter is the age (10) when I started parenting my siblings. I haven't thought about it like that before.
All your points are really valid even if they differ. It's actually nice to have people to talk to even if it is online.