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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't know where I stand

8 replies

rosekxx · 10/02/2024 15:22

I don't really know where I stand anymore in my relationship, my partner seems to be depressed at the moment, and worrying about his health a lot, he usually stays awake all night and goes to sleep when I wake up with the kids, I kind of expect a good mood when he wakes up but every single day he's just in the worst mood ready for an argument but only with me, everyone else he's pretty decent with. I feel burnt out by taking on the load of absolutely everything my children are young so need a lot of attention, the cleaning, cooking and trying to look after myself in the meantime. I'm trying to help him but he twists my help into me taking the piss out of him. He has no motivation for anything. Most days he will get up and go straight to the gym because he says it helps him, but I kind of expect a little help when he is awake because I'm exhausted, over stimulated ect. I can't say anything because he makes out I'm being selfish because he's struggling, I'm so done with constantly being picked at and snapped at ever second of my life. Am I being insensitive or? Where do I go from here😢

OP posts:
DelilahsHaven · 10/02/2024 15:33

You need to look after you, so that you can look after your children.

You can be a kind, encouraging partner, but ultimately he's responsible for his own mental health. Taking his feelings out on you is not OK, and it is OK to tell him that. Low mood is no excuse to pick fights with anyone else, least if all your partner and mother if your children

Is there anything practical you can do to make day to day life and help yourself feel more energetic?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 15:37

You could start by standing up for yourself, first of all. Absolutely fucking refuse to be this man's emotional punching bag.

Tell him he either gets help for his issues and starts being an active, engaged, and kind partner and parent, or he can leave because you don't need another child to look after.

Don't be a passenger in your own life, op. Take control.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 10/02/2024 15:37

Are they his children? How long have you been together? Do you love him? Does he work? Do you? Either way, it doesn't seem like he's contributing much to the relationship to the point you'd probably not even notice if he wasn't there. Depression isn't really an excuse.

Ultimately, if you talk to him about how it's making you feel, and he doesn't change, then it's up to you to decide if you want to carry on the relationship on that basis. Tough one.

Original poster
rosekxx · 10/02/2024 15:42

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 10/02/2024 15:37

Are they his children? How long have you been together? Do you love him? Does he work? Do you? Either way, it doesn't seem like he's contributing much to the relationship to the point you'd probably not even notice if he wasn't there. Depression isn't really an excuse.

Ultimately, if you talk to him about how it's making you feel, and he doesn't change, then it's up to you to decide if you want to carry on the relationship on that basis. Tough one.

We have been together 7 years yes they are his children, he doesn't work at the moment, I'm on maternity leave so I still get somewhat of an income, I don't know about love anymore I've tried so hard but I feel like if I left I'm abandoning him when he needs me the most, if he didn't have us I don't know what he would do to himself, I wouldn't put it past him to do and act in ridiculous ways, I feel like it a responsibility to make sure he's okay, or at least that's the way I'm made to feel

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 10/02/2024 15:46

I feel like it a responsibility to make sure he's okay, or at least that's the way I'm made to feel

Yes, op, it's called manipulation. He's gaslighting and manipulating you. The only person taking the piss is him, and you have got to stop thinking that it's somehow your responsibility to fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed. Send him home to mummy, you've got enough shit to deal with.

MiddleEats · 10/02/2024 15:48

I would start by telling him.this can't go.on and he needs to help himself. Drs, councelling or he needs to be honest with you about what is going on.

YANBU that is not a life. A partner who does jack all and uses you as any emotional punching bag. We all have rough patches but if this is prolonged and he ia not actively doing somwthing to make his life better then that isn't a good sign. Some people.need a kick up the bum to get into gear but only he can do the work. If he is depressed them he needs to seek help.

DeeLusional · 10/02/2024 15:50

rosekxx · 10/02/2024 15:42

We have been together 7 years yes they are his children, he doesn't work at the moment, I'm on maternity leave so I still get somewhat of an income, I don't know about love anymore I've tried so hard but I feel like if I left I'm abandoning him when he needs me the most, if he didn't have us I don't know what he would do to himself, I wouldn't put it past him to do and act in ridiculous ways, I feel like it a responsibility to make sure he's okay, or at least that's the way I'm made to feel

Show quote history

Well there you are, like a lot of posters on MN, you just pre-empted and blocked every suggestion that anyone can possibly make to help your situation.

ILikeItWhatIsIt · 10/02/2024 15:54

I feel like if I left I'm abandoning him when he needs me the most

But is that not exactly what he's doing to you? He's allowing you to support him financially & emotionally, not looking after his children etc. He's checked out. If you can see a light at the end of the tunnel then maybe try and work through it, but he has to be on board & make an effort

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