To feel upset with myself for having to claim universal credit

[886h6]

To preface this I have nothing against claiming benefits. I was raised in poverty, and benefits funded my entire childhood.

I'm in my 20s and I feel like my life has just been a complete disaster. I had a promising start to adult life. I graduated with a first class followed by graduating top of my year in a related master's. I started a good graduate job 2 years ago and was earning a good salary. But I burnt out in that job, I would spend the entire day feeling really nervous and anxious about my meetings. I'd then have to catch up on all the work in the evenings or early mornings I had missed as I was too anxious to focus. There's more to it but I would be here all night writing it. I ended up getting signed off for 2 months, and then returned and stayed another 6 months before leaving.

I took a break over the summer using savings and then started a new course at university. I thought a fresh start and a career that had always interested me/felt rewarding to me would help. I've enjoyed being in academia but this time it was different and I really struggled. I couldn't concentrate in lectures and ended up skipping them all the time. I was anxious and depressed and so decided to withdraw.

I've been applying to jobs and there's really not much out there. I've been getting rejections or not getting any replies to what I have been applying to. I've been feeling so down about it, it feels like life is just impossible and not really worth it anymore.

I've had to claim UC today as my savings have completely gone and I have bills to pay. I didn't want to as I feel like it's all self-inflicted. I feel so disappointed in myself

Don’t feel bad, it’s there to help if you need it and right now you do.
I’m not sure how it all works but do understand the overwhelming feeling of anxiety (but have yet to deal with it), today was a pants day, but tomorrow is a different one so could be better.
You might get the job you’re after and I might leave the house, or we might just muddle through to the next day and that’s fine too!

You have no reason to blame yourself for this. It sounds like you've been working really hard to change things and move on when things get tough - and that is hard to do.

It sounds as though you have something going on mentally, which is making it hard for you to manage things. You are clearly very bright, so it isn't a lack of capability. It sounds like classic anxiety.

Have you seen your GP?

Go easy on yourself. You just haven't found your 'thing' yet, but you are still so young, even if you don't feel like it. Take it from an old gimmer. So many of my original uni friends were well into their 30s before they knew what their path was.

Respect to you there is no shame in it. Please get help with your anxiety you really should not suffer
Xx

Don’t feel bad op. It’s not as if you haven’t tried. Your twenties are meant to be all about finding your way in life and trying different things. Don’t panic, you’ve got time and uc will help that process.

You’ve got lots of options open to you. You can get some sort of temporary interim job to take the pressure off while you seek a different career path.

Or you can really blitz getting a permanent job in a sector you think you will enjoy.

First though, I think it might be wise to get to the bottom of why you found your first job, and your uni experience so difficult? Did your work give you any feedback?

It sounds like you might be suffering from anxiety and depression? Are these new symptoms or have you struggled for a while? Have you sought any help from your gp? Do you have family support?

It might be wise to really try and use the breather the UC money gives you to sort out your mh or perhaps get assessed for asd or adhd if those might be a possibility? Take small steps and don’t put too much pressure on yourself. And don’t rush in to a huge new project without taking case of yourself first if at all possible.

Good luck.

I completely understand as I have had to claim UC and had to go for a meeting with then yesterday. But I have to keep reminding myself that it is there to support us and have paid into the system to help others when they needed it. Now it is my turn.

I would highly recommend speaking to your GP and having some counselling. I suffered from anxiety and depression and it was debilitating. CBT was really helpful. Going through a rough time at the moment and have got back in touch with a counsellor as a little reset as sometimes we already very hard on ourselves.

Use this time to prioritise yourself, have some counselling, look into yoga or mindfulness, I'm an Art teacher but still love a mindfulness colouring in book to help me. CBT is great with retraining my brain to think positively and seeing the small steps I am making in the right direction.

Thinking of you! Xx