Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think OH should look after himself after new baby

20 replies

Bluelegopieces · 09/02/2024 21:06

We have just had a baby, and have a 4 year old. 4 year old hasn't been a good sleeper, used to get in our bed 3am and wake 6am. So I suggested OH sleep in guest bedroom to get sleep. Now we have baby 4 year old will only sleep in my bed as does baby. I handle all night time issues.

OH does a lot of housework and childcare so not a general complaint. But he looks really tired, is a bit grumpy and is counting on me to remember stuff, which is hard when I'm exhausted. I asked. Basically he can hear baby noises but doesn't shut his door (this baby rarely cries so we're talking about baby fussing, hiccups). There's always something wrong with the guest bedroom why he can't sleep ie rubbish curtains, its a bit cold etc. Now he just hasn't eaten any dinner despite making something for DC1 whilst I bathed baby and looked sad well it's too late to eat (I usually cook and hadn't but he knows friday plans are different).

Am I being unreasonable to think that he could take care of himself instead of looking worn out, being tired, grumpy when he's not looking after the kids at night or working shifts etc..? I feel I made this effort so at least one of us can sleep so frustrated there's always some reason it isn't working. On the other hand maybe I should just accept he's not a good sleeper these days and thats his business?

OP posts:
Universalsnail · 09/02/2024 21:07

Is he experiencing insomnia?

Mumoftwo1312 · 09/02/2024 21:11

Yanbu.

I'm in almost the exact same situation with my two - dd always being a terrible sleeper and now I'm sometimes juggling both her and baby ds at once in bed all night. So tough!! Baby ds wakes dd up with his snuffling and grunting and then I have to settle them both to sleep!

The difference is though, dh is not taking the piss. Our solution is turning dd's bed into a double bed (ikea hemnes bed) so she can cosleep with dh some nights and I then only have one kid to settle. Also I text him to change at least one of the nighttime nappies.

Your dh needs to step up majorly.

Frozenasarock · 09/02/2024 21:16

You look after a new baby and a preschooler in your bed all night, every night, and he’s moping around because he’s tired?!

Time to give him at least one child for some nights, and insist that you get nights off too (or at least as much of a night off as is possible if you’re breastfeeding the baby). He’s being pathetic. Even if he’s “not a good sleeper” it is indeed his business so he can stop inflicting it on you and just get on with it without the martyr act - I bet you do.

Windydaysandwetnights · 09/02/2024 21:19

Tell him you intend to help him by finding out exactly why the guest bedroom is no good...
Tonight.
. So dealing with both dc is down to him.

coverp · 09/02/2024 21:22

Divide and conquer - he needs to sort out your 4yo during the night. You're absolutely being taken for a mug.

Biffbaff · 09/02/2024 21:23

Wow this would get right on my nerves OP, how have you managed to remain so calm! I think I would have to tell him straight that you're not exactly a receptive audience to his whining about sleep right now. And yeah, dinner doesn't make itself either. You've got enough on your plate! My sympathies. I think you are going to have to just tell him like it is, he's not really reading the room is he?

Original poster
Bluelegopieces · 09/02/2024 21:37

Thanks. To be fair he does then look after the older child or take him out whilst I nap and where possible takes out baby in the buggy so I get sleep in the day. He works more hours than me and earns more and I'm able to do well at work before mat leave on much less sleep than him.

He didn't initially tell me why he was tired. Only I asked so I wouldn't say moping around but it annoys me he's tired when I think he shouldn't be.

I've tried having dc1 go to his bed when I was pregnant but he gets so exhausted. He won't nap and starts working more if his productivity has dtopped at all. I think I'm quite sensitive so if he's grumpy/a bit off from tiredness it drives me mad.

I've said sort out the sleeping issue and he got new curtains etc... let's see.

OP posts:
Arewethebadguys · 09/02/2024 21:38

coverp · 09/02/2024 21:22

Divide and conquer - he needs to sort out your 4yo during the night. You're absolutely being taken for a mug.

This. Then after a week or two - both of them. You can get some rest. Arsehole. Has he a dressing gown perchance?! Does he don it when especially full of the sighs and 'I just can't seem to shake this tiredness' moping? Unbelievable. Get him told

Original poster
Bluelegopieces · 09/02/2024 21:59

Windydaysandwetnights · 09/02/2024 21:19

Tell him you intend to help him by finding out exactly why the guest bedroom is no good...
Tonight.
. So dealing with both dc is down to him.

🤣 this is good. I'll keep it in my back pocket if there are more issues with it.

OP posts:
Mistralli · 09/02/2024 22:32

I think this is common, even in the best of partners. I definitely got to the 4 week point and told mine I now had a baby and so he had to behave like an adult instead of one. I was tired and irrationally grumpy too though - he was helping out a lot.

I don't think either of us foresaw how much he'd struggle with no longer being the centre of my universe, though. Even now I occasionally suspect him of attention seeking behaviour (like the last time he was ill, when he actually was ill, but I thought he was exaggerating greatly - he wasnt!)

So ...based solely on my own unreasonableness at a similar state of post-newborn, I suspect you may be being a little unreasonable. However, that's completely understandable.

I hope he's sorting out the new curtains.

ZombieGirl86 · 09/02/2024 22:38

So he should of cooked dinner. But the bed thing sounds like is feeling a little pushed out by his wife?

Not criticising but sharing the exhaustion is sometimes better

jannier · 09/02/2024 22:41

Sorry really don't get many needs his sleep so I'll do all nights....my husband worked 6 am to 9pm Monday to Friday plus Saturday mornings and helped at night. My son goes at 6.30 back at 4.30 unless on call outs so does weekends etc and does nights equally plus baths, bedtimes and clubs for his 6 year old and twin toddlers. ..these lazy boys need to grow up and help and the women in their lives need to expect it.

Original poster
Bluelegopieces · 10/02/2024 05:16

ZombieGirl86 · 09/02/2024 22:38

So he should of cooked dinner. But the bed thing sounds like is feeling a little pushed out by his wife?

Not criticising but sharing the exhaustion is sometimes better

Thanks, I do wonder if unconsciously he's expecting to be tired so will find a reason anyway
Maybe it's not so helpful to say you might as well get a good night's sleep.

OP posts:
Justfinking · 10/02/2024 05:25

I actually think you need to sort out the 4yo sleep. And DH can get some earplugs

WandaWonder · 10/02/2024 05:28

The 4yo needs to sleep in their own bed, none of this sounds like it's working for anyone

TookTheBook · 10/02/2024 05:30

Tell him in no uncertain terms you are not his mother too and you need him to step up and be a grown up. You sound remarkably patient. I would've been pissed off much sooner

Isitovernow123 · 10/02/2024 07:21

WandaWonder · 10/02/2024 05:28

The 4yo needs to sleep in their own bed, none of this sounds like it's working for anyone

Absolutely. Why is the 4 year old not in their own room?

cryinglaughing · 10/02/2024 07:27

Does he work?
He sounds quite down if he can't be bothered to make tea for himself.
It shouldn't be a competition as to who is the most tired, it is a tough time, you need to pull together.

The 4 year old should have been sorted at least 2 years ago. If they are ND, I understand the need to be with you, otherwise, make that your priority, get them in their own bed at night, all night. It will be painful but worth it!

Original poster
Bluelegopieces · 10/02/2024 07:55

@WandaWonder and @Isitovernow123 Thanks. The 4 year old was sleeping in his own bed until 3am or so every night. Since the baby was born he didn't want to be 'left out'. He's not neurodivergent but very attached particularly at night. I didn't have the energy to have this battle as it felt like I had others - with a huge adjustment from being very much an only child to having a sibling. But I think I'll try again.

I've struggled with how to settle him. Either me or his dad read stories then I would hug him in his bed until he slept. So hence with the baby u couldn't do that in his single bed, so moved everyone to the double for the routine.

@TookTheBook thanks. I am patient but also because of the effort he puts in daytime and evenings. He's a great dad and I'd say does 40 percent housework if you could life admin so I'm not generally angry, just on this issue.

@cryinglaughing currently on leave, but yes he works full time. He doesn't enjoy his job at the moment and for various reasons he said he can't leave for a while. But I think the not having dinner was more due to not planning or remembering himself when looking after dc1

OP posts:
Isitovernow123 · 10/02/2024 14:29

Bluelegopieces · 10/02/2024 07:55

@WandaWonder and @Isitovernow123 Thanks. The 4 year old was sleeping in his own bed until 3am or so every night. Since the baby was born he didn't want to be 'left out'. He's not neurodivergent but very attached particularly at night. I didn't have the energy to have this battle as it felt like I had others - with a huge adjustment from being very much an only child to having a sibling. But I think I'll try again.

I've struggled with how to settle him. Either me or his dad read stories then I would hug him in his bed until he slept. So hence with the baby u couldn't do that in his single bed, so moved everyone to the double for the routine.

@TookTheBook thanks. I am patient but also because of the effort he puts in daytime and evenings. He's a great dad and I'd say does 40 percent housework if you could life admin so I'm not generally angry, just on this issue.

@cryinglaughing currently on leave, but yes he works full time. He doesn't enjoy his job at the moment and for various reasons he said he can't leave for a while. But I think the not having dinner was more due to not planning or remembering himself when looking after dc1

Op, you need to be quite clear on this. Pick up, don’t talk to, put back in bed. Will be hard for a few weeks but he’ll soon get used to it. Will save you a lot more agro later in life.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page