Wwyd
Bit of back story. I’ve been friends with someone for almost 30 years. We’re still really close but don’t see each other much. We do message at least weekly though. We have been there for each other for highs and lows over the years and we would drop everything if either one of us needed each other.
I’ve never been the biggest fan of her husband, he seemed very controlling from the start. She lost a lot of friends over the years and changed. She was always the glam friend, taking care of herself bubbly etc but within a matter of months she became a recluse, very quiet and just didn’t seem to care about her appearance anymore. Whilst he was still out with friends most weekends.
Anyway her husband messaged me asking about a birthday present for her. Asking did she see anything on our weekend in London or had she mentioned anything she would like. I replied with would need to have a think and would get back to him. Big issue here is I haven’t been to London with her since before covid and we haven’t seen each other since November.
I then got in contact with her and turns out she’s been having an affair with someone from work. She said things weren’t good at home and the new guy makes her feel young again and like her old self. She has been using me as the excuse to cover for her nights out /weekends away etc ( thought I would be the perfect cover as I don’t get on with him). She was planning on telling me face to face at dinner when we meet. She doesn’t want to end her marriage but also wants to feel like herself.
I hate cheaters/cheating. Especially after I was cheated on and found out 1 month before my wedding. She was the one to pull me out of my depression. She brought me back to life.
Now my big issue is what should I do. as much as I didn’t like her husband I have started over the years to be friendly. He’s not as bad as I thought.m and I’m not sure her change was just down to him (her comment at one point was I have a husband now why do I need to go out or make an effort). Maybe I was just blaming him for her change and it was all down to her. I also don’t think cheating is right in any circumstances. I feel he has a right to know.
On the other hand if what she says is true and my instincts were correct about her husband then I want her to be happy. Do I tell her that she needs to make a choice? I don’t want to be involved in her lies. She needs to think of something else.
My DH occasionally sees him around and when he plays taxi driver to me will often have a chat with her husband. So not only will I have to lie for her I also need to involve my DH so he knows to lie too and/or not mention that the weekend in question ‘when i was in London wit her’ I was actually in Edinburgh for a Xmas break with my husband. If I don’t tell him then he could slip up plus I hate secrets (especially one I’ve been dragged into).
I’m torn between covering for her and avoiding him (against everything I believe in but for the right reasons) or asking her tell her husband and making her choose. I think either way our friendship will have changed.
My husband says I need to see her face to face try to suss out her home situation and also see if the old her is truly back. As much as he agrees cheating isn't the answer he did point out that leaving a controlling relationship can be hard and she maybe needs to confidence she's getting to get the strength to leave.
Sorry for the rant but just need to know what others think without feelings involved.
I’m torn between my morals and my loyalty. Plus anger that she has involved me without my knowledge with no thought of how her lies could affect my life.