To not want to holiday with family.

[MoaningMeowing]

A bit of background:

My mum has always been a single mum. She’s had numerous partners over the years but finds herself single again. I’ve never really got on well with my mum. We meet up for lunch here and there but we’re very different people. DH has recently said that she is one of the most difficult and rudest people he’s ever met (and meant it!) and I agree.

I have family abroad and when visiting them in the past my mum has deliberately booked flights for the same time. It completely changes the vibe of my holiday, mum will dictate the whole trip/my time and honestly it’s miserable.

Fast forward to now and mum is making noises about a summer holiday with myself, DH and DD1. She’s also playing the violin to wider family that the four of us should all go to a certain European country for TWO weeks as she’s always wanted to visit it, and she’s got nobody else to go with.

We cannot afford two holidays therefore we can’t do one holiday with mum and one just the three of us. We’ve suggested a long weekend away in the U.K. but that’s not going down well.

AIBU to not want to go along with this?

I can’t deal with holidays with my DM and family so I do a few days away with my DM alone but I have the means to bring her abroad for a few days. She drinks too much and is just difficult and my DH can’t take it

What happens if you just say no...? It's clear your dh doesn't want to spend time with her.

Can you go away with her 1-1, how old is dd?

Have encountered exactly this issue so I empathise with how hard it is.

I ended up just drawing a boundary and saying no. It was so hard as I can tell it really upset family but my reason for saying no is similar, too much dictating by the other party about priorities and having to fawn around the needs of one particular family member who often explodes/is emotionally volatile and I just don’t fancy using precious leave and paying a fortune for that sort of dynamic.

Just tell your mum you want a holiday just you and your immediate family so unfortunately it’s not on the cards this time. Then just stop talking, no explaining or apologies or concessions. Any pleading or emotional blackmail can just be met with very short response ‘sorry to disappoint you’ but then don’t allow it to be open for debate. If someone has an issue with you drawing a boundary that is on them.

Relationships are earned, there is no obligation on you; and they’re also a two way street. If your mum makes your holidays miserable then that’s that, she doesn’t get to dictate it. She can go alone or on one of those group style trips if she wants to travel! Maybe it will help her reflect a bit but I highly doubt people change by that age.

Back yourself! I felt so stressed about this until I just politely declined and then I didn’t allow the inevitable reaction to upset me and it felt exhilarating !!!

I am in the same situation here. Despite the fact we are also very different people and truth be told we don't actually enjoy time together. She would rather struggle on in bitterness than make any changes or even admit this, so it doesn't work. I can't be the adult for both of us.

I am actually low contact with her currently, but she has recently slipped in that she wants to go away with me and my kids during the summer holidays (also she scornfully pooh-poohed my actual travel plans too, when I told her I can't afford both and I am saving for what I actually want to do with my family. I said it a lot more politely that that).

Most people would take the hint, right? "I can't afford it" is pretty clear cut. But nah, she is throwing her toys out of the pram. One thing is for sure, I am not doing anything I don't want to do with her. It NEVER magically works out well, despite how fervently I've wished it to in the past.

I have to protect myself and my kids from her behaviour now. And also be an adult and do my own plans, whether she's offended or not 😂 (what a shame she can't just be happy for me, but that's wishing for a star in a dark sky).

Did your mum go on holiday with her own mum every year when she had a partner? I'm guessing not. Then why do you have to?

“No thanks mum that’s not for us. Have a great time when you go!”

Can’t she go with someone from the wider family that she’s playing violins to?!

YANBU

YABU - to even offer her a weekend. She sounds like a “give an inch take a mile” type person. If I were you I’d tell her categorically you will not ever go on holiday with her. It’s ok to say no to shitty people. Who cares what she’s says to the wider family. If they care then they can take her on holiday with them.

No I cannot afford it is enough.

You could be more blunt and offer your thoughts as to why she has not had many longish relationships.

Just say no! Tell her you can't afford two holiday and you are already going to XYZ.

I remember a 10-day Easter beach vacay with my large family. I was about 25 and single.
For some unknown reason, my alcoholic dad was pissed off at me and was rude and horrible every chance he got. And nobody said a word in my defense, because they were scared of him.
Finally, after one particular brutal episode (I think it was Day 3), I quietly got my things together. After everyone went to bed, I left and drove the 3 hours home in the dark.
And you know what? Nobody even called looking for me - not even my sainted mother.
After that, I stopped making the effort.
You’re only worth as much as you allow yourself to be treated.

Just tell her the truth.

Just say we want to do other things. She needs to develop her own friends.

Dont do any more holidays with her at all but you may have to give up the trips to family abroad if they're not going to make it so you can't without her

You really need to grow a backbone, for your DH’s sake if not for yours. It sounds like no holiday (even a weekend) is what you want so you need to say this. Make your own holiday plans, do not tell her so she can’t sabotage, and suggest that maybe she goes to visit family abroad by herself if she wants to. Manipulative people will never change, if you can accept this now you can save yourself more years of misery.

How horrible for you .

But you're absolutely right.