Husband’s late nights

[maxandru]

Had a big argument last night and now wondering if I overreacted...

Husband has been out 3 times in the last week (straight after a 5 day ski holiday with his mates whilst I stayed home to work and look after our 3 year old). He’s got back super late (like 1-2am) and woken me up. He’s also not texted to let me know he’s going to be so late (though obviously I do know he has plans to go out) so I keep waking up wondering where he is and why he’s not back yet.

I’m not a great sleeper anyway and struggle to get back to sleep after being woken (last night I was awake 1:30am-5am!), but I’m currently 22 weeks pregnant with twins, so sleep is really precious to me.

I realise I can’t give a grown adult a curfew but am I justified in being a bit peed off? If so, how do I tackle it without causing another argument ?

I’m just so bloody exhausted and need sleep!😴

Yeah that doesn't seem very considerate or fair. Do you get the opportunity to go out so often?

Absolutely you are justified in being passed off!

This is really an intolerable situation. I worry for you being in this situation and pregnant with twins!

Is he ever supportive?

I'd be interested to know how on Earth he tried to justify this in an argument. What did he say, OP?

His behaviour is totally selfish and unreasonable in my opinion. His excessive downtime isn't just leaving you with your 3 year old to parent-single-handedly, he's also impacting your sleep when pregnant with twins?? I'd be absolutely bloody raging.

Also, it's not even about you getting equal time off, is it? It's about him making some sacrifices to look after you and ease some of your load.

It's rare I get this angry from posts on here but wow, he's taking the absolute biscuit.

I'd tell him you need some undisturbed nights to catch up; can he sleep elsewhere in the house if he's going to be home late? Try to get over worrying about him when he's out, if you can.

Where has he been, out 3x until that time in a single week?

tbh even if he’s indeed with friends, I would have bitten my DP’s head off if he was going out at that rate when I’m pregnant with twins and we have a toddler already!!

I'm not sure what to say other than it sounds like he's taking the piss out of you tbh. 3 nights out after leaving you solo parenting for 5 days? Assume this was all agreed between you and you'll get some similar down time / away time at some point. And really inconsiderate and rude not to let you know a rough ETA or that he'll be late.

What did he say about it during the argument?

You can give him a curfew if it impacts your rest when you're so pregnant especially. And he should give himself one as it will inevitably impact how present and helpful he is with his family the next day.
Did he do this last time you were pregnant?

I had similar issues with my ex during my pregnancy. I think address needs 'I need to feel supported, I need to feel I am part of a team, I need to feel considered, I need to feel safe' is better than the angle I took 'you're so selfish, you need to grow up' (even though it was true!)

I would book yourself a spa weekend this weekend in a hotel and leave him to look after the three year old

You're absolutely in no way unreasonable to be ticked off!

Who goes out that many nights in a week unless they're a student?? Leaving you on your own in the evenings to single-handedly look after a 3 year old when you're already going to be knackered carrying twins is bad enough, but to disturb your sleep is super inconsiderate. What's he like as a dad and partner usually? What's his justification for disappearing so much? Is he definitely with friends?

So sorry you're going through this, OP - I'd be raging!

Ok thanks guys. Glad to hear I’m not throwing my toys out of the pram unreasonably!

To be fair he would definitely encourage me to go out and stay out late if I wanted to whilst he’s on duty with the 3YO, but I’m not hugely keen on late nights anyway and don’t have a lot of energy right now.

I should add he’s not usually out this much- everything just seems to be happening within the same 2 weeks!

I am keen for us both to get time to see friends etc before the proverbial hits the fan in May. So I really don’t mind his being out so frequently, I just would really prefer him not to be coming home so bloody late as we both know it will wake me up (we have 2 dogs so they bark if the front door opens in the middle of a the night!) then I get a crappy nights sleep.

So… How do I phrase that to him without sounding like I’m giving a grown man a curfew…?

It sometimes happens with my partner. I don't ever have a conversation with him while I am still upset. Once I calm down, I tell him that not checking in with me after midnight makes me worried. Yes, he can go out when he wants and I am happy for him to do it but if he promised to be back by a certain time, he needs to let me know that he is staying out later than planned. He also needs to either quietly crawl into bed or stay asleep downstairs (texting me to let me know he is home in case I wake up, don't see him in bed and start to worry).
Honestly, he just had no concept of someone worrying about a grown man on the night out and once I explained it to him, we very rarely have this problem.

Honestly he’s a good partner and a great dad. He’s had a few different things - Burns night do with colleagues (new job 3 weeks ago), rugby club annual dinner, dinner for his best mate’s birthday. They are all legit things and he is 100% trustworthy - that’s not at all my concern- it’s purely the lack of sleep aspect!

This is really helpful actually, thank you!
The lateness bothers me because he’ll still wake me up due to dogs but at least I won’t be riled up with worry (and rage, haha!) that I can’t get back to sleep.

I will def try to follow your advice re not discussing it in the moments - I was embarrassingly childish last night and kept switching the light on in the room is sent him to sleep in! 😲

@maxandru

Ah - fair enough. It does sound like it's just a lot of events have come at once! :-)

In terms of addressing the sleep issue, I was going to ask if you had a spare room, but that won't really help if the dogs barking wake you up (mine's quiet as a mouse aside from when anyone is at the door and then she's about 45747 decibels!). Hopefully, it's unlikely that he'll have so many events in one week again. Maybe just ask him to be a bit more mindful on a work night, but more flexible at the weekend - with a provisional that he gets up with your child so you can rest?

As you say, I guess you're both going to have a super busy time soon, so nice to be social when you can!

Yep he’s taking the piss. Even before you get to the pregnant with twins bit -this time last year l was about that pregnancy with twins and it’s tough!

I think it's a case of explaining that staying out late doesn't just affect him, it affects you and the whole house.
So he can still do those things, but leave a bit earlier.