dh is quitting smoking yet again and I am sick of him yelling at us!

[christie1]

dh just stomped off as I finally told dh to stop yelling at me and the kids as he chose to smoke and he had to live with the consequences of withdrawal. My patience has run out, he has tried to stop smoking for the past 2 years and achieves short periods of time, usually a few days, then sneaks them at work then just starts smoking outside the house again. I support him 100% in quitting but have had it with his behavior when he quits.He usually chooses the weekend or a holiday, holes up in a room and only comes out to complain or yell at me or the kids. If I say a word, he threatens to start smoking or says it is my fault if he starts up as I am making him mad and not supporting him. He can get quite nasty and becomes hyper critical about everything (usually my parenting is a prime topic). I try hard to keep my mouth shut but think this is enough. It is easter weekend, he took the computer and tv to the bedroom,spent all day there while we played in the living room. We joine dhim after supper and he yelled at us the whole time and finally I told him to stop yelling and he went nuts, threw the computer, said he was going to buy smokes, it was all my fault and I should not pick a fight with him when he is trying to quit. I said it was his choice if he smoked or not but I wasn't putting up with the yelling or threats. HE stormed off to another bedroom and we haven't seen him sense. It is very peaceful right not but he really upset the kids by his outburst. Anyone else lived with a nicotine deprived lunatic? How do I handle this? Should I have put up and shut up yet again.

You have to really want to be a non-smoker for ANY aid to be effective.

Like it or not, even with aids and support, it's hard to do. It takes a lot of willpower. It is not painless.

Anyone who's been there knows this.

But yes, until he own his addiction and the consequences of it, then he won't quit for good.

And you should NOT have to put up with behaviour like that, especially when it frightens your kids.

I would explain this to him calmly and if he blows up in the face of reason, ask him to go elsewhere until he calms down.

Then let him know that you are unwilling to put up with abuse from him, because he is an adult and needs to control his own behaviour, and make an appointment with a marriage counsellor.

If he won't go, go yourself.

DH still smokes. But I don't nag him at all because he knows that you have to really want to quit to stop, AND that it is not on to threaten his family and frighten his children and basically have no self-control over his reactions to his withdrawal symptoms.

he doesn't follow through because he doesn't truly want to quit, and if he tells you he does, sorry, but he's talking out his arse.

you have to want to be a non-smoker SOOOOOO much, you have to want to stop doing it, that you work hard to get through the cravings and the triggers - yes, even with patches and aids, you still have cravings, you still have triggers when you feel like a rat in a cage for wanting a fag.

you have to work hard to alter your behaviour from that of a smoker to a non.

it's a lifestyle adjustment.

there will be times, even years later, when for some odd reason the thought of a fag just sounds appealing.

but you have to work through that, WITHOUT taking it out on blameless people.

i kept telling myself, 'no one put a gun to my head and forced me to smoke, buy fags or pinch fags off people.'

We had it out this morning, he felt really bad about the kids, less so about me. He apologized to the kids and they seem ok. He is still mad at me but behaving himself. I stood my ground and told him to go to a hotel and withdraw or I was taking the kids and spending the rest of the weekend in one if he didn't stop acting like this. He still feels I get tense when he quits and picks fights with him. I told him of course I am tense because there is always a blow-up and it was not possible I caused every row evertime for the last 2 years of him attempting to quit. He sulked but I told him the symapthy meter had run out, he had worn us all out and no one was tolerating this behavoir anymore. Thanks expat and everyone for the advice. It helped me get focus and hold my ground although I truly want him to beat this. But, like you said expat, I honestly don't think he truly wants to quit, he knows he should but that isn'the same as really wanting to be done with it.

Expat is right, you need to really want to quite before you'll do it.

I've lost count the amount of people I know have said 'Oh, I'm quitting smoking' only to start up again not too long later, because you really do have to try, your mind set needs to alter, you have to be 100% determined and let nothing get in the way, if you are all of those things then you're more likely to be successful, if you're not and easily slip back into having a fag it won't work, no matter how many patches or w/e you use.

Has he sid why he wants to quit? Is it a real thought out serious reason or just 'should' do it because Smoking Is Bad?

I'm afraid I'd suggest no attempts until he is really sure he can and will do it, it's not fair on you and your family going through this.

He is turning 40 and has been smoking a pack a day since he was fifteen. He is worried about his health.

Is he really worried though?
I mean I know my Dad always said he should quit because it was bad for his health and he was worried but it wasn't until he was told by the doc, stop smoking and get on a diet now or you'll be dead soon that he actually stopped.
Sod's law they discovered the lung cancer about a year later.

He is right to worry - my brother smoked for 25 years or more before he had a heart attack at age 43. He then gave up, cold turkey, in hospital and hasn't smoked or had another heart attack since. No doubt the nurses didn't put up with any bad temper. Perhaps you could generously offer to break both his legs so that he could be in hospital to give up smoking? .

He is being a complete arse but your knowing that doesn't solve it.

If it were me I would send him to a hypnotherapist and a counsellor. He isn't in the right mindframe to quit if he is acting like this and he is making a bloody difficult task nigh on impossible. Idiot.