Afternoon tea

[Hygeelady]

It was my mum's special birthday and I got her an afternoon tea voucher at a place near us, thinking maybe she'd want to go with me as she did something with my siblings. I gave thr voucher and she said oh thanks that's lovely, I'll have to think of someone to go with now and no mention of me. I didn't say anything but I was a bit upset that she didn't think of spending time with me. Tbh I hardly ever see her and I've spent far too many years upset about her behaviour and lack of interest in mine/my kids life.

Should I have not expected her to ask me? I know I should just get over it but i never seem to be able to stop trying to make it work. :-(

"I've bought you a voucher so we can go to afternoon tea together."

As they say - use your words.

It's a bit late now though isn't it and also she clearly didn't want to go with me anyway 🤷‍♀️ I'm just upset about it and wondered if I shouldn't have expected this, what would other people expect?

1. I would expect to have a conversation about it.

2. I wouldn't assume that she didn't want to go with me. I might think that she wasn't sure if I wanted to go with her, seeing as I didn't mention it.

I think it’s the voucher, tbh. Like, if you’d said ‘For your birthday, I’m treating us to a lovely afternoon tea’, I’m sure she’d have been thrilled. But a voucher says ‘I’m giving you this to go off and do with someone else.’

Ha. Yeah this happened to me too, fully shocked that she didn't even consider me as the other person.

I'm fairly sure she immediately assumed I wouldn't want to go, rather than her preferring to take someone else but still 😐

I get it, OP. It feels like just one more rejection. You might like to look at this thread as it's been an ongoing pattern:

January 2024 - Well we took you to Stately Homes www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4991681-january-2024-well-we-took-you-to-stately-homes

Just message her telling her when you are free to go for afternoon tea...

Exactly this!!

This is a really good point, but a voucher means you gave something concrete that they can open with the details.

Next time - words to accompany the envelope 👍

Yeah she should have thought to ask you but if you wanted to go with her it would have been better to book the tea and tell her "we're going for afternoon tea as your birthday treat"

You should have told her.

I'm buying two experience vouchers for my DSis and will tell her that the extra one is to take a friend or for her to go twice. I don't want her to assume the second one is for me. I'd hate it! So I will make it clear when I gift them.

DC bought me a voucher for a significant birthday and made it clear that the second one was for them so we could share the experience.

You need to do the same but you've probably left it too late now.

I'd assume that if you wanted to go together, you'd have arranged a date and booked directly. If you gave me a voucher, then I could take whom I liked.

Yes, but OP was hoping that her mum would like and choose to take her. That's understandable.

Thankyou for this, I need this today and for your understanding. Seems like I should have wrote in it, that'd fine as I was in the wrong here. It won't be happening again seen as most years i didnt get anything from her as a child. I don't even know why I expected anything or why i keep trying, I always end up disappointed and I know nothing will ever change. She thinks we have a great relationship and the type of person who comments on Facebook posts acting like the best grandparent ever, yet doesn't actually speak to me. I frequently go down a very negative route and get more upset about things. It's really hard to get out of sometimes, you know when your head feels noisy and I don't know if I'll ever be ok. 😥 you're right, it is rejection, I should be used to it by now 🤦‍♀️

Oh, @Hygeelady, you're not in the wrong! You did a lovely thing. Do come over to that thread. There's lots of people with similar mums on there.

The problem with AIBU is that it's full of people who haven't experienced parents like this and they truly don't get it.

Not getting a birthday present from your mum as a child is awful, and there's clearly much more you've experienced. You don't have to get used to it. The first post on the Stately Homes thread gives lots of info on coping with this kind of parent.

Just on the specific voucher issue, I wouldn’t give someone a voucher with the expectation that I’d benefit from half of it.

If you wanted to have afternoon tea with your mum, you should just arrange it and take her.

Gifting a voucher is kind of detached. I would assume it wasn’t for you to go too.