To feel a bit unloved at work

[Mrsmozza123]

I am not sure if I am feeling a little over sensitive here but it’s making me feel sad in a way I can’t put my finger on.

A few months ago I miscarried at 12 weeks, it was a missed miscarriage and I was in and out of work in terrible pain and in limbo for 3 weeks and eventually had an operation under general anaesthetic. Me and husband were in bits and spent days at home just really sad. I’m 41 so it all felt very final. Physically it was the worst thing I’d ever encountered hormonally anf mentally I was a mess and I suffered from unexplained anxiety for quite some time after.
I hadn’t announced to the wider team at work that I was pregnant so only my boss and bosses boss knew what had happened. They were very sympathetic and supportive but I didn’t get anything sent to me like flowers or anything, no biigie I’m not materialistic. I just chalked it up to being an awkward subject no one knows what to do with.

fast forward to this week. A colleague of mine who reports into the same boss (so we have the same professional relationship to her) fell and broke a tooth at the weekend. Boss is organising flowers a card and big box of get well treats. She has broken a tooth.

I just feel a huge wave of sadness at the difference in approach. AIBU?

I'm sorry for your loss

I wonder if your boss's overriding concern is to keep things low key as you hadn't announced your pregnancy - perhaps your boss thinks that flowers and so on would draw attention that might be unwelcome if you are grieving privately.

I get that, but broken tooth girls stuff is being sent to her home so the same could have been done for me quietly if that was the done thing.
I was quite private about it at the time so I know it makes it awkward knowing what to do.

i feel silly saying it really but I just feel like to do nothing for a miscarriage and operation and then for the same person to arrange a huge care package for someone who has broken a tooth is a little disproportionate and insensitive.

I think it is completely understandable that you feel upset. I do think some people can be weird about miscarriages though, as if it is taboo, so that’s probably the underlying reason.

I can totally see why you feel that way and I'm sorry for your loss. I agree that it's more likely that your boss/boss's boss feel awkward about it and think you want privacy rather than anything else. I presume broken tooth is having a collection/all signing a card etc so everyone knows about it.

You are not unreasonable to feel upset, but your boss was in a difficult position. Miscarriage is so personal, and everyone grieves differently. I got sent lots of flowers after by DD was stillborn and I found it really upsetting, it was just something else dying in my house. Waiting for them to die and getting rid of them was horrible. Totally illogical I guess but that’s grief for you. I’m my opinion being supportive in person is far more important. A broke tooth is different, simple action of flowers that takes very little effort or thought really.

Sorry for your loss, I went through the same thing and it was awful, however I would have thought flowers/cards would have made me (personally) feel worse.
I grieved in my own way and focused on accepting it and being grateful for what I had, just my personal way of dealing with it.
The first thing I needed to do was get rid of all the reminders and apps etc and look forward.
I never thought I'd be like that but grieve affects people differently and it's impossible to know how you or anyone else will get through it.
I wouldn't know how to react to someone else going through this pain because everyone is different.
Rightly or wrongly I'd probably not mention it if they didn't but only because I personally was glad nobody else did.
I wouldn't take it personally, it's just so hard to judge how to handle things like this that most do nothing in the safety of saying nothing to upset you.

The last thing I'd have wanted was flowers. From anybody.

Oh OP I'm the type of idiot that would do the same as your boss, albeit well intended.

When someone is sick, tooth or minor operation, I would send flowers & chocolates to cheer them up.

But for a miscarriage, Ididn't think all the flowers or chocolates in the world would help and would have considered it insufficient or inadequate as a gesture.

That's based on my own experience and I suppose until now, I never considered how much others might differ.

Your boss is probably trying to do the right thing.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Sorry for your loss, people can feel awkward around the loss of someone at the best of times. The loss of a baby is so hard a subject to broach.

No, you are not being unreasonable and I would feel exactly the same way. It hurts that some people seem to garner this attention, whilst others get overlooked (I was one of the overlooked ones as well).

Sorry for your loss and sending virtual hugs, flowers and chocolates to you.

I think he probably didn’t want to be insensitive to you and was giving you privacy. I had work deliver flowers to me from a mostly female team when I miscarried and it fucking floored me on a day I was doing okay. You just never know.

@Riverlee yes, I think you have hit the nail on the head. It’s not an isolated incident. I’m naturally quieter and I think I just get forgotten about. Sorry it’s something you experience too.
im kind of the ‘workhorse’ of the team. Head down doing double the work of others whilst only working 4 days a week. ‘Good old mrsmozza gets it done and doesn’t ask for much’ is the attitude.

it’s interesting to hear other perspectives though. I do understand it’s a tricky subject and how people are probably worried about doing the wrong thing.
Incredibly lonely it turns out, it struck me at the time that no one (friends, family, etc) came to see us OR sent anything. No offer of childcare for my eldest DS whilst I recovered. Or did anything for us really. We felt quite abandoned.
A clumsy misplaced gesture would at least have made us feel like someone out there cared.

So to see a big public shower of support for someone who has broken a tooth kind of stings.

I’m really sorry to hear about your loss.

I think I understand what you are saying and recognise it from my own workplace where there is some kind of hierarchy of importance and we mere workhorses just sort of get ignored.

When I was 25 my best friend (24) was killed in a car accident everyone knew but nobody acknowledged it at work, certainly not in a public way as you describe. 2 weeks later a more mature colleagues father (95) died and she received a much more public responses; flowers sent to her home and condolence cards circulated etc.

Are your bosses male? Perhaps they feel they weren’t sure to do in your situation.

Was it possibly a collection? Maybe your boss couldn't ask people to put in for a gift as it would have meant having to say what it was for, especially as so few people knew?
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I would agree with this. Also some people might be upset with flowers so they probably don't want to overstep or risk upsetting you. Sorry for your loss

A clumsy misplaced gesture would at least have made us feel like someone out there cared.

Or it might've made you feel terrible. So sorry for your loss, but I'm with the others who think this wouldn't have been the right or obvious thing to do in your situation as opposed to the tooth colleague. You said your bosses were very supportive at the time so I think this is probably - and understandably - the hurt from your loss hitting you again, which it sadly will in different ways for a while. Try not to read more into it if possible and take care of yourself.

I'm so sorry for what you've been through.

Is it actually your boss who is organising these flowers or has someone else in the team suggested it and now your boss is doing the work?

If it is actually your boss then it's completely unacceptable. Some workplaces are awful when it comes to being ill or off sick but he has proven here that he does get it, but for whatever reason it wasn't appropriate for you.

It could be that they didn't know what to do or felt that flowers weren't appropriate but he should do a check in and make that clear now it's all a song and dance for this other person.

All that fuss for a broken tooth? FFS.

I'm so sorry for your loss op 💔💐💔💐

I think people are scared with miscarriage or early pregnancy loss that however they acknowledge it could upset the person more.

It's the weird type of loss where it was hope and potential, not a physical viable person, so people don't have a set etiquette with it. Of course to those of us who've dealt with the trauma of pregancy loss, it's fucking harrowing, especially when surgery is involved. Just another added layer of trauma.

I'm so sorry for everything you've been through and wish you'd have felt more supported and loved from work. Fwiw I do suspect they just wanted to not make a fuss or draw attention to your loss.

I’m sorry for your loss and I’m sorry you’re taken for granted.

I would look for a new job.

There’s also nothing wrong with telling your boss how you feel.

I think it comes down to discomfort acknowledging it, especially because you hadn't disclosed the pregnancy and presumably did not discuss the miscarriage. A big bunch of flowers might seem both pointless in the face of what you were going through, and make you uncomfortable that your miscarriage was being publicly acknowledged.

A fall and a broken tooth are easier to negotiate with some flowers and a cheerful get well soon.

Poor you. But it’s awful that your friends and family didn’t support you either. Did you address that with any family? People are just so weird about miscarriages. Sending hugs to you x