To wonder what it would be like to be "that" girl for just one day

[ElleJae]

I'm 28, well educated, have a job which I enjoy mostly (the work is great the environment less so), I have a 19 month old little boy who I adore. I'm in a relationship but realistically we are fighting to keep it alive and not doing a good job.

When I returned to work from maternity leave, a new hire had also just started, grad role. Same job as me pretty much exactly and on the same team so we were going to be working closely together. It was made clear I should be doing some of her training but in end she was training me as I'd forgotten so much over maternity leave. She is smart, funny, genuinely kind, very approachable even though she has an air of confidence and charisma like no other. This all matched with her being intimidatingly attractive, honestly she could be a supermodel!! She isn't ridiculously privileged (similar background to me, middle class, grammar school both went to very good unis). Now normally I'd be jealous of that type of girl but appreciate she will have her flaws and I'm great as I am.
However I've noticed real professional benefits to the way she is. We have a massive issue with men especially on other teams being downright disrespectful. Publicly shaming women for mistakes anyone could accidentally make, overloading women with work etc. For the "attractive" girls they seem to rumour about their weight or give unwanted cheek kisses.
Reports have been made to HR but frankly they are part of the problem and collecting evidence to go further is hard. Very few women in senior roles and those who are don't seem to care.
The new girl however seems to have the perfect balance. All the men (and women) respect her, senior management are already paying attention to her. Part of our job involves being alert and flexible sometimes a massive piece of work will need done very last minute in response to external factors and she has got herself the reputation of being the go to girl for that as she is thorough, fast and extremely good.
The men don't flirt with her or question her looks or sexualise her but they also don't downright disrespect her or treat her like she is less than (which they do to the women who are maybe less conventionally attractive).
I love my job but working alongside her is making me insanely jealous, more productive, better at the job, better respected, frankly a kinder person than I am all while being insanely beautiful and smart.
I'm the opposite, plain, a bit grumpy so not always kind and I'm good at my job but not incredible.
Lately I keep catching myself wishing I was her just for a sag to experience that level of beauty/brains and personality all rolled into one.

AIBU to feel this way? How do I get over it?

Well that's you told, OP.

"Get over it" and "Don't call her a girl".

Very helpful.

I was about to say this too!

Your workplace sounds awful. Unwanted kisses? Sexualising women, demeaning their appearance? Overloading the female staff with work? This is horrendous and illegal. You should enjoy being friends/ colleagues with someone who seems great and focus your response and resistance to this toxic culture at your work.

YANBU

Sometimes I wonder what it must be like to be a very fit, healthy young man.

I don't want to be one but I kinda envy the idea of peak physical fitness and strength and being able to do things with ease that most of us might struggle with. Like carry heavy bags of compost around

I imagine it must be nice - and useful!

I get the envy OP, this woman sounds like she has an unfair distribution of talents! But actually you DO seem like you're dealing with this well!

You're self aware, you've analysed the issue/s, made a list and you've weighed up so pros and cons of this situation.

Many in this scenario would dislike this young woman, but you really like her which is great. Enjoy your good working relationship, learn from her. Maybe she is learning some things from you?!

Also, focus on you. If you feel plain, do something about that - if you want to.

Your relationship isn't working. What's to be done about that?

Remind yourself frequently of your own many positives.

You sound awesome too OP, your post is not at all malicious towards her or spiteful, and it's fine to experience jealousy. My takeaway is that your problem is working with awful men, not with this competent woman. And the positive is that you could have her as an ally.
Can you try to see if there's anything you can emulate, eg with her wording in how she handles the (obnoxious) men you work with? If you get on, go out for coffee and ask if she has any tips? You could frame it that after mat leave you feel like you need to focus actively on slipping back in to workplace culture and noticed she has a great communication style.
Check out the workplace blog Ask A Manager. This has helped me boost my confidence at work a ton.

I knew a girl like that - she would walk in a room and her smile just lit the place up. It was at uni and we became best friends and I admit I basked in the reflected glory for two years til I graduated. We were the 'popular' ones and it was a phenomena I'd never experienced before or since.

What a coincidence! My name isn’t Anna, though, and sadly I am nothing like her!

My post was in response to this ^^

It sounds to me like the thing you really appreciate about her is how she manages a somewhat toxic work environment.

So I would think about what qualities you can develop to manage it before yourself, which could include talking to her about how she perceives it. Lean into it basically, in a positive way

I hope between you can start to change this place

This is a very good point. I work in a less toxic but very male dominated environment. Even though 90% of the men I work with are absolutely great, there is an unrelenting battle for me to assert myself/prove myself among them.

This is actually very tiring and does impact your confidence. Now on top of this you see someone who appears to be managing this with ease and it's making you feel even worse.

I bet if someone's feeling low, you're the type to say "cheer up, no one's died" or "pull your socks up", you know, really helpful things people can't think of themselves 🙄

I agree. Not everyone has a hard luck story, and you’re more likely to be confident and self-assured if you come from stability.

@ElleJae You sound quite lovely and self-aware yourself. Some people are inspiring and it’s okay to want to know more about/emulate some of what they do.

Ultimately you only need to be the best version of yourself, so if there’s anything you think you can improve on, focus on that 💐.

I've known several people like this, the better version of me if I'd had the right genes! But eventually you find the thing that's wrong with them. It might be small, like they can't drive in a straight line, or bigger, they have daddy issues and marry a 70 year old. But it'll all come out in the wash.

Lol 😂

I have this problem with a colleague but it’s a man rather than woman. I’d say we’re level playing field looks wise but he intimidates me intellectually. I’m a lecturer and we have very different expertise but he’s one of those people whose knowledge expands way, way beyond his field. Feels like he has his fingers in every literature pie and has a good understanding of it all. For me, I focus on what I know which covers the 20th century but that guy’s expertise are 16th century yet he’s somehow also an expert in my field too.

It’s hard to come to terms with, accepting that you’re not the smartest person in the room. It’s just an ego thing and also a confidence thing though I’d say. You need to focus more on yourself and your own work than her, I guarantee she won’t be wasting time thinking about you in the same way.

She sounds great, and I totally understand being envious - I often spare a moment for a bit of gnawing envy of women who just got a bit more looks and charm and confidence and (tbh) drive than me. Why wouldn't I envy them?!

However I am also aware that I (like you) have certain advantages that another woman might envy. Decent background, healthy child, good health myself, decent job, generally not struggling. Very, very easy to take these things for granted when you have them.

I would guess you wouldn't be feeling it so much if everything were going well with your relationship - the issues there are bound to undermine your contentment and make you question your choices and compare yourself to others.

Wow she does sound wonderful.
Remember though that there will always be people better than you, and many worse than you, in every respect.

The best way is to just accept that she is amazing, be friends with her, tell her what you admire about her. She will probably shoot up the ranks and do very well in life. It won’t hurt to be on her good books.

I know a girl like that, and she inspires me. I've adopted some of her approaches to situations because she's helped me see things from a different perspective. Sometimes I ask in my head "what would Anna do?" About a situation- because she'd not be sitting stewing at her desk like I would have, she'd have looked at someone in surprise the first time they made an off comment, and maybe raised her eyebrows or asked if they could explain how her thinking was wrong or something but in a professional, sensible calm way. As opposed to me who'd melt of embarrassment and rage, and skulk off to bitch to my work bestie.

I can relate, because I feel the same about a mum friend I made last year who was both beautiful and seems to have it all, and because of my jealousy I had to distance myself from her. But I recognise this is just because I lack confidence right now having just had two children and financially not being where I want to be. I have also been the girl other girls were jealous of me when I was younger and I hope to regain my confidence and circumstances in the future so that I no longer feel like a bitter bad person and be the type of girl that can celebrate other girl's success again.

I work with someone like this. Smart, funny, excellent at her job and everyone both respects and adores her - I do too! I am intimidated by her awesomeness but try to learn from how she conducts herself to make myself that little bit better.

It's really hard though OP and so you have my sympathies!

I agree with this^ 100%
zero chance she came from broken home with alcoholic dad, on the paper your background might look similar but in reality it might be way apart.
I don’t know how to cope with your feelings, I haven’t learn yet and I’m older. Life is unfair and some people are luckier than others, it is true. However don’t underestimate your achievements : you are working and looking after your child it’s much more challenging than her situation.

None of the qualities you've described guarantee that she will be any happier in life than you, OP. Anything can happen to people, at any time.

Phew! I thought it was me.

I've been that girl. And then that wife.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm currently in a psychiatric unit.

So much of this is an illusion. She's the best adapted to that particular situation right now but you have no idea how difficult it might be for her in other ways or what might happen to her next week. There are definitely situations in which you would outshine her, believe me.

You can never be something you're not and I'm sorry you're not able to see this right now, but who you are is beautiful. Yes, some personalities seem to be loved and admired more easily than others. That's nice while it lasts. But she's not immune to heartbreak, being bullied, being cheated on, making mistakes. And there will definitely be people who would feel more comfortable with you than they do with her. Your people.

Really? That's what you came up with?