Am I doing the right thing going no contact?

[nocontactnow]

I'm just posting on here for a bit of support.

I'm a 31 year old woman, I have borderline personality disorder which has plagued every single one of my relationships.

I was seeing a man for four months, he was really unwilling to commit, only wanted to see me once every couple of weeks, would rarely open up. This really triggered me and I began drinking a lot more alcohol and then texting/phoning him saying crazy things.

On Saturday he took me out for dinner, we came back to my house, had sex and drinks and then we had another argument instigated by me as they always are. He left the next afternoon and then voice noted to tell me he couldn't continue with things anymore. He still wants to check in every once in a while to see if I'm okay and hear how my life is going but it's over. This was Monday.

We have been in contact here and there since then, initiated by me but he always responds, however, is very cold. I keep demanding answers from him, 'do you still find me attractive?' 'Is there someone else?' 'Do you hate me?' He answers my questions but this isn't his responsibility. To be honest, due to my BPD I find endings very very difficult and I tend to panic and almost go into a state of shock.

I keep crying and feel really pathetic as it was only 4 months and we weren't serious at all, despite me wanting us to be. I've decided to, for once in my life, respect his decision and not contact him anymore. I haven't contacted him today so I guess this is day 1.

I'm just so over myself. I ruin every relationship I'm in and dread to think about how many lovely men I have pushed away throughout my life. I then start to question well maybe they just weren't meeting my needs and I only have the confidence to say it when I'm drunk.

I need to work on myself, I am in self destruct mode, I am so unhappy, I am the lowest I've ever been. I feel motivated to make a change though. Im booked into therapy next Wednesday so that's a start, im going to just try and be kinder to myself. I keep imagining the little girl inside me and speaking to her as I know my issues stem from trauma.

Im so sick of the way I've been living, I can't continue like this.

Is anyone else going through a break up? If you can even call mine that? Anyone else doing no contact/healing/working on themselves?

No contact after a break up is a wonderful thing (even though it doesn't seem that way initially). You have a lot of awareness of the potential pitfalls and your own reaction to the situation so trust yourself that this is the best thing to do FOR YOU right now.
Therapy also sounds like an excellent idea. I would jot his number down somewhere (just so you don't panic-text him) and then delete his number and all the message history from your phone. Give yourself 30 days. If you still feel like you want to talk to him after that, you have his number written down to re-connect. Chances are, you won't feel like you need to.

Of course you're doing the right thing by not contacting him.

You need to step away from relationships for a while, I think - it isn't fair on you, or on the people you're dating, if this is how you are when you're seeing someone. I think it's a very, very good idea to start therapy and to focus on that for a while instead. You're obviously really struggling at the moment and you need time to work through that without the additional complication of relationships.

You sound really self-aware and like you would be open to working on changing these patterns. Can you get a referral in your area for DBT (Dialectical Behavioural Therapy)? It can really help. Community Mental Health should be able to do a referral if it's available.

Yes you are doing the right thing. To be honest, from your post you are not in the right headspace for a relationship with anyone. Work on yourself, get some therapy and give yourself a chance to heal. This will take several years. Then helpfully you will be able to maintain a respectful relationship. However, this man's attitude would trigger insecurity in many women ( myself included) as the intermittent 'take it or leave it' / fuck buddy type scenario is inherently disrespectful unless BOTH parties want the same thing. If what you want is a boyfriend / partner - don't settle for less.

This is so hard. I cannot stop crying. I just went to the shop and felt physically exhausted and like I am carrying a weight around me. I honestly can't envision ever being happy without him, which is crazy as it was such a short term thing. I just keep crying at the thought that he'll never text me again, I'll never get that excited feeling hearing from him again. The thought of him meeting someone else. He has sworn to me there's no one else but i just feel like I've ruined everything with such an amazing guy.

I really want to text him to ask if we could meet as friends at some point in the future as he said he will still talk to me and still check in as he likes me. He said I was a 'gem' so surely he'll want to meet up at some point? Am I just deluding myself? I feel this real panic inside to bring him closer but know I can't.

I was seeing a man for four months, he was really unwilling to commit, only wanted to see me once every couple of weeks, would rarely open up. This really triggered me and I began drinking a lot more alcohol and then texting/phoning him saying crazy things.

Yeah, really amazing guy.

No contact is definitely the best thing, because this relationship wasn't making you happy, it was making you crazy. No-one needs a friend who does that.

It might help to think of that younger self as crying out in desperation for YOU, not him. That's what those yearnings really are. Keep on holding her and reassuring her. Your own love is so much more important than a fantasy relationship with an unavailable man.

Why do I have him on this pedestal when I know rationally he wasn't right for me and was driving my anxiety?

You haven't ruined a relationship as there wasn't one to ruin if he wouldn't commit to you. That would make a lot of people anxious and if they have strong boundaries to walk away. What you need to ask is why you can't set stronger boundaries, and why are you not trusting your intuition- that he is no good for you.

He belongs in the trash, not on a pedestal. He behaves like a jerk. Using people is what jerks do. Jerks also say a lot of things to get what they want. He could say bad things or good things about you, nothing he says or will ever say determines your self-worth.

What has him being in your life done for you, apart from increasing your anxiety and decreasing your self-esteem? Anxiety is not usually the "downside" to having a relationship, quite the opposite, in fact.

He's just text this morning saying he hopes I'm feeling a bit better. I really think I should just ignore but I don't want to come across as being cold and mean.

OP, it sounds like your self-esteem is so low right now, and you're seeking validation in this man. It actually does not matter what he thinks of you.

Please just ignore him, he doesn't sound particularly nice anyway and you will never 'get over' him if you keep having these crumbs of contact.

What else do you have to do today - what else can you focus on?

Thanks, you're right, I do seem to need external validation. This is why I'm so ready for therapy as it just shouldn't be this way.

Luckily I have quite a busy day with work. I have a meeting at 11 am and then I have a visit at 2 pm which will take up most of my afternoon. I then have my night time job. I'm actually feeling a bit better this morning but that's probably more so because I woke up to a message from him 😢

How are you getting on op? @nocontactnow