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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step-parenting

43 replies

ATC0403 · 07/02/2024 13:15

I need to know if I am in the wrong for my reaction. I have a beautiful baby girl who is 7 months old. I also have two amazing stepsons 6 and 11. My oldest stepson lives with us full time seeing his mum once a month and we share custody with the youngest having him every Wednesday night to Sunday morning.

I have a reasonable relationship with their mum. When she picked her youngest up this week she told me I couldn't have anymore children because 4 would be to many and her children would be left out. I adore my stepsons and spend a lot of time with them both as a family and individually. We take them abroad every year, see the youngest every weekend and have a 5 bedroom house so all children have their own bedrooms. We both work, my husband is an engineer and I work part time as a teacher so both children get everything they need. We also pay half for any trips, after school clubs etc for the 6 year old alongside paying maintenance.

When I told her if I have more children it's none of her business. Her response that my life will always be her business as I spend time with her children. Am I being unreasonable for thinking she has overstepped the mark?

OP posts:

Chocolatebuttonns · 07/02/2024 16:17

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

AmyandPhilipfan · 07/02/2024 16:53

I know it's easy to bite back but the best thing to do is to be the bigger person and try to defuse comments like that.

'Well, I would certainly be busy with 4 children wouldn't I? But I would still find time for all of them, don't worry. And this one is so little at the moment that I'm just enjoying the baby stage right now and will see how I feel as time goes on.' All said with a big smile.

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 07/02/2024 17:11

@ATC0403

I may have read this wrong, but you have the eldest full time. You have the youngest 4 out of 7 nights every week.

Wtf are you paying her maintenance for? She should be paying you.

FairFuming · 07/02/2024 17:14

My ex's ex got annoyed when my second was on his way as her DS liked to have my attention when he came to stay for half the holidays and it was bed enough I'd already had one baby.
When I left the child's father she tried to insist I still looked after him which I would have but she wanted me to drive the 4 hour round trip to collect and drop him off and when I told her this was too much for my children she said their needs didn't come before her DS...
I see him during his time with his dad and have had her blocked for years

No advice as such but there seems to be a streak of crazy folk. It sounds like she should be paying you guys maintenance though.

Flamingogirl08 · 07/02/2024 17:15

She nuts and lucky to have another woman to basically raise her kid for her.

Ignore.

Workworkandmoreworknow · 07/02/2024 17:26

What Mother doesn't live with her children full time. This makes my blood boil. You have however many kids you like.You're picking up the slack for her being an awful Mum. You've done enough

oh do sod off with your judgements. I’m one of those mothers for one (of 3) children who prefers to live with his dad. It is nothing at all to do with me being an awful mum and everything to do with personality traits, interests, and where the girlfriend lives (nearer to dad’s).

pootlin · 07/02/2024 17:30

She sounds like a twat. Who initiated their break up?

I would take this opportunity to limit contact with her. No more texts, pics, greetings at the door. Leave it to DH.

Let the twat see how little your life is her business.

pootlin · 07/02/2024 17:32

WillYouPutYourCoatOn · 07/02/2024 17:11

@ATC0403

I may have read this wrong, but you have the eldest full time. You have the youngest 4 out of 7 nights every week.

Wtf are you paying her maintenance for? She should be paying you.

Agreed! Stop the maintenance now.

Quitelikeit · 07/02/2024 17:32

Why does she only have the eldest once a month? Or does he have a different mother?

eggbot · 07/02/2024 17:33

No she's being weird. You have as many children as you want

lateatwork · 07/02/2024 17:38

Am really struggling to see here how and why your husband would be paying maintenance to the mum... It should be the other way around...

That aside, she doesnt get to say how many children you have.

Original poster

ATC0403 · 07/02/2024 19:20

The eldest doesn't want to live with his mother or have much to do with her, we unfortunately do not know why.

In terms of maintenance I know lots of people have asked. We pay maintenance as that's the only way we could have him as much as we do. She wouldn't give up her benefits etc so we just agreed as we love having him and didn't want to go through the courts. She has never had either child on a weekend, they broke up when the youngest was 4 months old. She picks him up around lunch time on Sundays because she says Saturdays are her day and she deserves to go out and have fun with her friends.

I have told my partner tonight I don't want her to contact me anymore and he can do the conversations. She currently contacts me and not him because I'm a teacher my hours mean I'm there more often.

I do want another baby, even though the 3 are amazing and they are all my family I want 2 close together so they can play together and have fun.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 07/02/2024 19:24

Ignore her, stop paying maintenance and get your husband to go via CMS. The arrangements are the status quo, no court is going to change them because she wants money from you!

HauntedPencil · 07/02/2024 20:22

Yeah that's really rude. Maybe she's worried you'll try and get her to have the boys more. Who knows

eggbot · 07/02/2024 21:20

lunar1 · 07/02/2024 19:24

Ignore her, stop paying maintenance and get your husband to go via CMS. The arrangements are the status quo, no court is going to change them because she wants money from you!

This

Sandia1 · 07/02/2024 21:30

I have so much admiration for you. You are a thoroughly lovely person and you have taken on your step-parenting role so well. She has lost out on so much of her children's lives, but that's her choice. She's taking benefits and your maintenance? If you can afford it then fine. Please make sure that if they were married that all the financial side was a clean break as she may try getting more money out of you once her children are older. I think you are right to step back. You are not her friend and your partner can deal with her in a business- like manner. Good luck with your lovely family x

PurpleNebula84 · 07/02/2024 21:42

ATC0403 · 07/02/2024 19:20

The eldest doesn't want to live with his mother or have much to do with her, we unfortunately do not know why.

I have told my partner tonight I don't want her to contact me anymore and he can do the conversations. She currently contacts me and not him because I'm a teacher my hours mean I'm there more often.

I do want another baby, even though the 3 are amazing and they are all my family I want 2 close together so they can play together and have fun.

So you pay her maintenance so she doesn't kick up a stink and never has the kids at the weekend?

That is crazy.

I think she's probably more worried the money will stop more than anything else if you have another child - which by the way - is none of her business and she certainly has no right to tell you not to have any more children - and to use the preface of it affecting her children when she barely has them them... Pure CF-ery!!!

Gloriosaford · 08/02/2024 13:59

She sounds more like an egg donor than a mother 😳

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