Do I need help?

[sarahnels]

Split up with DP after Xmas.

Talked most days trying to work things out, lots of arguments and stuff.

He moved back in with his mum. He hates it, can't stand being at home.

Found out he's been sleeping around.

Says he did it because he hates being at home, he was trying to fill a void and hit rock bottom. Drinking a lot (way too much) and trying to forget me.

We decided we can't get back together.

But I can't stop thinking about him. I'm hardly doing anything at work. I'm irritable. I think about him all day and all night.

I torture myself thinking about the women he's been with already and all the ones he will meet. Torture myself thinking of him getting a girlfriend, going on dates, Valentine's Day, all of it.

I fantasise about us getting back together and all of that.

It's really affecting my life.

I don't have many friends but even when I'm out with friends I'm thinking about him.

Do I need therapy? Is this normal?

He doesn't talk to me anymore which makes me think he's with someone else

Why am I like this?

Its only been a couple of weeks since you've split with him so its probably still painful and raw for you. You haven't said if there are children involved or how long you were with him but of course if you were together a long time it's bound to hurt you. Cut yourself some slack, book yourself a nice spa day, talk to the friends you have about how you're feeling, get yourself out and about as much as possible.

He's obviously moving on and you need to do the same (I don't mean jumping from one person to the next like he is!) for your own wellbeing.

You are completely normal.

When I went through a similarly painful breakup, I found counselling gave me an outlet for my muddled feelings. Somewhere to put the feelings of longing for what I couldn't have, Somewhere to juggle the confusion of saying 'this is it, we're done" while trying to deal with that persistent whisper of "what if".

It's hard letting go and it takes time. I don't doubt it's right you've broken up, so don't look to go back. Just accept that you need to grieve the relationship and remember that you are already building a new life for yourself.

As you continue to do so, with new routines, habits, activities and people the fantasising will pass, I promise.

You're not wrong or broken but therapy could really help you. There doesn't have to be anything wrong with you for therapy to help. You're going through a really difficult time, so help to process it as healthily as possible could save you grief down the line. Assuming you can afford/access it of course.

It will pass, give it time. You must have split up for a reason, and that reason (or reasons) would still be there if you got back together.

@sarahnels

Even when a relationship is dysfunctional messed up its only natural to miss their company in a weird way,

but you know on a logical level somewhere that this relationship is over cause its no good and you have evolved enough to realise this now,

Definitely look into good therapy and widen your social circle in life through being curious about wide range of interests and hobbies,

and shore up your support network as much as possible

You will do just fine then

You be OK .!

@sarahnels
It's very much early days but it will get easier trust me on that,

You need healthy distraction interests hobbies combined with balance of good therapy ..

You do need to allow yourself to feel the emotions of the breakup and what he has done to you.
You grieve the loss of your usual life and now that has all changed.
Perhaps talking to someone will be a good neutral ear for you.
Are you able to take some work leave and unwind or have some time out? If you need too.
So he has and is out playing the field and I am sure it won't all be so great for him.
You are properly better off thinking about your future and not so much about him.

The phrase "I/ you need help" really makes therapy sound quite negative.

Therapy isn't a negative thing, something to be embarrassed about or any kind of punishment.

It's a really good opportunity to work through things in a safe space.

If you can do it and can afford it, you should give it a try. Most of us could benefit from it, and especially in a situation like yours. It sounds like you're struggling and could benefit from talking about it.

You don’t “need” therapy, but if you want to give it a try, it might help.

What you need is to be kinder to yourself and give yourself time to get over how you’re feeling. And other things to focus on - plans with friends, hobbies, anything you want to do (that doesn’t involve the ex!), especially stuff you couldn’t easily do when you were with him.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with you, or not “normal” about feeling this way.