To be anxious about people coming round?

[Monster157]

Well I know I ABU but I’m really struggling with this. Bits of DIY need doing but nothing major, door frames need re-painting etc. House is small and we have 3 kids, 2 are teens.

My daughter just came home from school to get a drink and then was going back out. She said her friend was waiting outside, I felt bad about this 1. That DD may be ashamed of our house because lots of friends live in bigger fancier houses and 2. That I couldn’t bring myself to go and invite friend in.

I grew up in a not very nice house because my mum struggled with her mental health. I know our house is a normal lived in house, bits of clutter but nothing major. I feel sheer panic at the thought of people coming in. How can I overcome this?

I'm similar to you op, but when I sit down and think about it, I think about all the times I've been to friends houses and always just thought how lovely they are, never noticed mess or things needing done. In fact , I prefer a bit of mess / clutter in peoples houses makes me feel way more comfortable. And as a teenager I would have been the friend sitting in the car, terrified to come in and have to talk to some one else's parents , my money is on its something like that , or she just couldn't be bothered. I understand though, it's horrible to feel like that, even if you absolutely shouldn't

I feel that way about my home, but when I mentioned it to my friend, she said she loves coming round as it feels homely and cosy, it's natural to view your own home with a critical eye, but in reality most visitors will just want to feel they can kick off their shoes and put their feet up and feel at home. I'm sure your home is lovely, in reality I don't think many people would like the coldness of living in a show home. Be proud you have a safe warm place

Thank you, you are right I am never critical when I visit other people’s homes and I have been to places that are messier or need more DIY than mine. I just can’t seem to get past it. I’ve got worse since I was friends with someone who kept a pristine home and slated anyone who didn’t. 🙈 We aren’t friends anymore 😂

It sounds like you’ve got used to feeling that way because of your childhood home and these situations are triggering old feelings rather than being about your current house. Which is totally understandable by the way! But maybe it might help to be able to recognise this?

I think deep down I know it’s this but don’t know how to change how I think. I go in my next door neighbours house and they aren’t bothered if I’m in there and it needs hoovering but I’d be mortified if I’d not hoovered and someone came round. But I don’t judge them for it I just wish I wasn’t bothered!

I feel the same way and my house is really nice! But it does get messy. Shoes kicked off in the hall, coats flung on the bannister and the couch cushions are always flung on the bloody floor.
I'm this way because my parents house is always immaculate. My dad always passes comment if he comes here and there are any unwashed dishes by the sink, or any mess whatsoever. He'll say it in a jokey way. He's a good dad and he'll tell me and anybody who'll listen how much I do, what a good mum I am and that I'm basically brilliant. But he can't help passing comment on mess or jobs that need doing in the house. He's always been like this. Its definitely given me a complex.

Do you not feel you would know or be able to ask her if she was ashamed? And is she not old enough to invite her friend in? Why would you think it was your job, wouldn’t you just say. Oh why didn’t you bring them in?

I feel proper comfortable in a house that not perfect as it feels like a home, especially when it’s obvious that children live there.

I’m very similar and over the years I just can’t invite people into our home anymore, including playdates for DC. Our home needs work like a new kitchen and bathroom but some negative comments from visitors has dented my confidence. DH couldn’t care less what people think of our home and I wish I could be like him.

An ex-friend, who had just stayed for 2 weeks, told me that “you should be living in a much nicer home for your income ,” and my aunt looked around with disdain and said “do you like living here?”

Our home is clean and tidy, it just needs some work ☹️

Ultimately you need to take the approach that it just really doesn’t matter whether anyone notices what your house looks like. You know objectively that it isn’t unclean or dangerous. So if somebody does come to your house and notice that bits of DIY need to be done, nothing bad happens because they had that thought. And even better, their thoughts are invisible, so you don’t know about them anyway. Once you really accept that, there’s not much to panic about.

I’d bet a decent sum that as a previous poster has said, your DC’s friend waited outside so as to avoid the awkwardness of having to talk to an adult she didn’t know very well.

You could ask dd to join in, 'what could we do to make the place nice for your friends' you'll get an idea of what's going on in her head and vice versa from response. And remember teens see cool cushions and throws not skirting!!

If the friends are true friends, you know what I mean, I do not mind them coming. I was offering dinners in a 1 bed flat a decade ago. People loved coming

I don’t care that our home doesn’t match, every piece in our home has a story. a mechanic doesn’t have a tool box with tools that all match, just like our favourite egg poacher doesn’t match my favourite wok or saucepan.

working nights, i find that when i come home, i do the hoovering, tidy and clean the kitchen, once I’ve showered I clean the bath, so if an unexpected visitor does knock I’m not running around looking for dirty mugs/side plates/cereal bowls in the usual places - that bothers me - but the house isn’t a show home that you see on reality TV, and whilst we are the caretakers of our home, the place will always be comfortable and be a safe haven for me and my loved ones - but never a show home!

I could have written your post , even about the prissy friend. Like others have said I think the teenager was a bit embarrassed to make conversation with an adult.
I just wish I had an answer, i would love to be able to invite people round but my fear and embarrassment hold me back, and I'm ancient 🙄

I live in a house that we have been slowly renovating for the past 10 years, much of it DIY. It has passed through all stages of chaos with building work and wild mess. I also have several children. We have people over every week for Sunday lunch and fairly often have guests to stay. I can’t say it isn’t stressful, but I just tell visitors that they will have to take us as they find us. I have over time begun to accept that I cannot live in the fear of other people’s opinions, and that if
I didn’t have visitors over until my house was immaculate, we would miss out on a lot of opportunities to socialise and give some lonely people company and a meal. If people want to gossip or be spiteful about our home, that is their problem rather than mine.

I know exactly how you feel because I feel this too but I am determined to overcome it because I grew up in a house where I wasn’t often allowed friends round because my mum was anxious about it and I must break this cycle! It’s also because I’m naturally extremely untidy and although I do really try to keep a lid on things I have no faith in my ability to “see” mess or dirt that I fear others will zero in on instantly. As a result every time we have people over (even kids! Absurd I know) I go round tidying manically. All I can say is, from one over anxious person to another, we should try to push back on these thoughts for ours and our family’s sakes

Ahh I love your attitude, I am going to try really hard!! I think a couple of DIY jobs that have been bothering me I can try and get done when I’m off work next week and then I will feel better 🤞

Any progress is a win! I really like to listen to Dana K White who has a podcast called “A Slob Comes Clean”. I really identify with her cleaning and tidying struggles and she provides some really helpful motivation when I am getting on with decluttering and housework, in case you might find that helpful.

I hope the woman who was sneaking every Thursday to her lovely single mum friend with 3 adorable girls, and was thinking shall she call SS, reads this thread and knock her head and double harder her heart and what compassion really means.

I understand too. Our previous house was in need of repair and revamping. I have seen inside since, and the purchasers did all the things I wanted to. But they didn't move in to it for about three months and got workmen in, who were then working in an empty house.

Sometimes doing the big things will take so much upheaval, it's really off putting.

I used to try to deal with it by being upfront to friends visitors and saying "this kitchen needs redoing. I can't decide if I want to keep the layout or move the oven over there" or "this lounge definitely needs decorating. I think we will change the doors and replace the skirting, but can't decide whether to have a glass panel door or all wood. What do you think"

Getting people's input and talking about it ended up being quite cathartic.

Hey OP

Here to agree with other PPs, but also to recommend this book. I’m currently only about a quarter of the way through (it’s v short and v readable) but it’s really helped me change my attitude towards this sort of thing. The central point is that cleanliness and tidiness is not a moral issue - it doesn’t mean we’re failing if we don’t have a tidy house. And she gives practical tips for sorting it out, but in a gentle, chilled way.

It’s helped me and I’ve only just started it https://www.waterstones.com/book/how-to-keep-house-while-drowning/kc-davis/9781529900033