Adult DD issues

[NothingToday1]

In 2021 we had a significant housewife which was deemed to be caused by a vape charging on the bed in DD's room. I wasn't home at the time, she was there with DS (who was 12 at the time) and he was the one who found the fire. Thankfully nobody was hurt, but they were both scarred mentally by it. Anyway, insurance paid out and all material things were replaced etc.

Since then I have banned all kinds of vapes from the house. Yet DD (who is almost 20) KEEPS bringing them in. She moved out in the summer last year due to this issue but then asked to come home at Christmas which of course I was happy to allow.

Last night I found a vape charging on her bed. I am absolutely distraught. I told her i don't care about her vaping, she's an adult and can do what she likes but they are NOT to be brought in the house. Since the fire this has happened on many many occasions. I told her if she did it again then she would have to permanently move out and she understood that and promised she would keep them in her car. But I can't help feel I am being harsh, after all she is my child. DH says she will have to learn the hard way, is he right?

House FIRE ffs. Sorry.

I agree with DH. She might be your child but she is an adult, she needs to learn that her actions have consequences and if the house fire wasn't enough, hopefully telling her she needs to move out will be

Kicking out an adult child, especially a girl is always hard as often girls are more prone to certain events

Once you kicked them out and even told them they could move back in once their attitude/behaviaour improved - you could not live with yourself if something happened to them

However, you have to think about yourself and others and therefore you have given her warnings, chances etc and is time for decisive action again. But ensure not to get into a revolving door scenario

We often think once our children are 18/9+ we will be ok - but adult kids living at home can make one's life miserable, seriously miserable.

She has a full-time job which pays well so is able to support herself. But wastes all of her money on shit she doesn't need, mcdonalds, starbucks etc. We worked out she was spending £50 a DAY on rubbish. No bills to pay, just £200 a month to us for rent and then whatever her car costs her per month.

In some ways she is so mature and then others not so much. For example, she won't ever put her own washing on. She would leave it to build up for weeks and weeks or wear dirty clothes. I try not to interfere in her life as she deserves to be treated like an adult, but she does drive me a bit insane. She is out all hours in the night, keeping DH up at night as he is a light sleeper (and then I get it in the neck!).

She is unlikely to stop doing it while living at home.

So either you accept it - most vapes don't start fires after all - or you give her notice to move out in a month or two.

She is working and earning a decent wage. There is no need to worry about her being on the streets and vulnerable to exploitation. She can find a room in a shared house with other young people. She will have a bit less disposable income but that is ok.

I'm with DH on this. She literally set the house on fire with a vape before and this sounds like the 1 thing you have asked her not to do while she lives at home. Obviously, she is not listening. You've given her a consequence.....time to follow through.

You need to start charging a realistic rent, equivalent to a room in a shared house, else she will never be able to leave. Alternatively make her save the equivalent of rent / a set proportion of her take home pay. You are not doing her any favours in allowing her to have so much disposable income. And that’s not even dealing with the vape/fire issue 😐

You are enabling her behaviour. Your DH is right.

Why did she come back home? Didn't like adulting?

If she doesn't get the vape issue then I wouldn't want her in my house.

It's no good issuing ultimatums unless you are prepared to follow them through. Time to give her notice I think. Ultimately it will be the right thing for all of you

Your husband is right. You're enabling her and treating her like a child. She needs to grow up and deal with the consequences of not living by your rules.

Thanks all. I know DH is right, just mum guilt is a real thing isn't it?

When I realised she was wasting so much money I made her send me £500 a month to save back, however that's only been this past month. You're right, she needs to start behaving like an adult.

When I was her age I had a job, my own flat, car to run and I also had her to look after (I was 18 when I had her!). She can't even do her own washing. My other two DC aren't like this, so there is an element of it just being her as I like to think I parent them all the same with the same values etc.

I think you should feel more guilty if you fail to help her become a functional, independent woman by mollycoddling her.

Parenting well isn't about making your adult offspring's life as easy and fun as possible. It is about enabling them to become well functioning grown ups who are capable of looking after themselves practically, financially, emotionally.

If she goes to live in some sort of fetid houseshare with some other filthy people, you can enjoying giggling when she complains to you about how disgusting they are. That or she lives with some young people who are much more mature than her and they shame her into growing up and not being the disgusting one herself.

My house fire (completely gutted the house and we had to move out for a year) was caused by the kettle.
Do you think I no longer have a kettle or more likely put it down to bad luck and have moved on with life?
Your house, your rules of course but if anything else had caused the fire would you be demanding they never crossed the threshold again?

I agree that she starts to do her own washing. She should abide by leaving it in thr car, but I'd be letting her charge it in the kitchen during waking hours. She's still a teen, so is learning to manage money. I think she needs pushing into adulthood by rules and time frames. Teenage boys are given so much more slack on here.

I don’t think the vape is the real issue.

She’s just ready to move out.

Personally, I’d have the conversation on this vein (that it’s clear she needs to go solo) and be supportive of finding somewhere etc. rather than ‘kicking her out because of the vape’

This. I'd not be able to stand for it at all considering the previous incident

Not by me they’re not!!

DS 23 has done his washing since student days. If he caused a fire by charging a vape - or anything - on his bed, and then ignored the lesson and repeated it, he would be out.

Mine know that phones etc cannot be charged on beds or other soft furnishings.

Sounds like she needs a nudge out of the nest. Tough love is necessary sometimes. I always say “I wouldn’t be parenting properly if I didn’t ___”.
It takes the heat off you and puts it onto the “rules” of half-decent parenting. (Different for every family, no judgment here!)

Some things you can change - she could know how to do laundry by the end of the week - show her and just stop doing it. Ignore any sounds of distress. Life skills build the confidence to try more things for themselves.

I try not to interfere in her life as she deserves to be treated like an adult

Well she isn’t behaving like an adult. And she’s living in your house, very cheaply too, so she should respect your house rules.

She could do her own washing if she wanted to, she’s just getting away with not doing it. Anyone can do washing, washing machines aren’t difficult to understand and washing powder packets have instructions! She must be a capable person if she has a full time well paid job. It’s time she learned to be responsible.